Suicide Reflection
In the Bathroom Mirror
There you were. Your beautiful face, the magnificent wonderful face, staring at me in the bathroom mirror. You couldn't see me but I was there and I could see you. I could see the pain in your eyes and the sorrow in your tears. I could feel every heartbeat that dared to beat. You fooled everybody. All the smiles and laughter. No one knew all that you held inside. No one ever seemed to understand or get the real you. You felt that it didn't matter. You knew no one would see past all your layers. You always looked for ways to numb all the feelings that consumed you but nothing was ever enough and then you just finally told yourself that you had enough. There was unbearable loneliness that I could feel that surrounded you. This underlined yearning for something that you knew would never be able to be obtained. I pounded on the mirror and screamed as loud as I could as I realized what you were doing. I pleaded and begged for you to stop. For you to look at me. For you to remember all those who loved you and were here and wouldn't understand. I screamed until my voice echoed into silence. We promised each other a long time ago we would never take our lives for granted. That we would live them to the fullest. But I could feel you and a pain that was crushing your soul. I could feel you. And it was killing me. There was nothing I could do because when you decided to take your life was the night the shadows that were in mine ceased to exist. And I was too late. I told those around me about the presence I was feeling of the fear of the unknown. How it was crushing me. But it was you. You were sending me these signs that just to me were so incomplete. Every time I have lost someone close to my heart the shadows come and I knew something wasn't right. I just couldn't see what was right there in the mirror of my nightmares. It was you this whole time. Crying out for help. You were one of the only ones who knew of the shadows and how they haunted me. How something had a hold of you. As far apart as we were I still felt you. I loved you. We were soulmates. This was one of the things that I learned is that soulmates don't have to be lovers. Soulmates can come from different walks of life or different lives altogether. They form a bond far beyond a deep connection that is tested but will never divide. You would always find me and I would always find you. And now you are gone. I am incomplete without you. There will be a part of me that will search the ends of the earth for you. Until I cross the veil to finally find you. And I hope that you knew that in those last moments that you were not alone. I was there, while you cried all those tears. I was there while you screamed at yourself that was there in the mirror. For I was in the bathroom mirror as you took your last breath. Standing next to the reflection of you. I believe that is when you finally saw me. Because that is when I woke up. And you were gone. Your beautiful soul disappeared and darkness fell over my heart. You were gone. The presence that loomed over me for days was gone. The shadows that I was seeing in the corners of the rooms during the day and the night, were gone. You no longer remained in the realm of the living. You left but I felt that you finally felt free.
-by Tia Dalu Souhrada
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The Animal Within
A fire was ignited within me. From the day I was born. It was the only thing that kept me warm, kept me whole, and kept me alone. There it stayed. Nestled behind everything that makes me, me. Protecting me time and time again . From the coldness of the world, the cruelty, and the injustice. As the years went by the fire grew. Feeding my soul with the strength to continue on. When you are a child there are certain things you should not have to worry about. Such as food, shelter, and even love. Because how can someone that is suppose to love you toss you away as though you didn't matter? Why wouldn’t you fight for someone or something that was once a part of you? Why would you not fight against wrong doings? That question seemed to run through me more than the blood in my veins. At a young age the thought of my existence just seemed irrelevant. Everyone always talks about having a purpose in life, but how could I, when the only thing I knew was a feeling of hope that I could survive. As I got older, I remembered things that should have stayed buried in the deepest depths of my mind. The disturbing stories you find in the news headlines. The type of memories that, even now, you can't seem to distinguish between being actual events or the torment of nightmares that still haunt you to this day. There was no one around that I could ever talk to about how I felt or even the things that I had been through. I was a caged animal in a world of savage humans. It will always remind me of watching a bullfighting program on TV. There he was: a beautiful, mighty, majestic bull. Standing proud as though he was making a grand display of his purpose. I always felt as though I was a misunderstood bull surrounded by a massive crowd of matadors waving muletas consisting of hateful words and phrases in front of me tempting me into releasing the rage built up inside. It’s kind of funny how the bull represents me. Everyone thinks that bulls are angry with the muletas being red. But, in actuality, bulls are color blind and it is the action or movement of the matador that causes the raging bull to attack. Just as the words and actions of others can affect an individual and even me. It has taken every fiber of my being to maintain the animal within, to remain in a peaceful state. I don’t think that many people care how they treat others. How their words and actions can affect someone else. How their words can either positively or negatively impact someone’s life. Reflecting back on the bullfighting program, I will never forget how I felt watching the bull go down. Seeing red. I cried. For the bull didn’t deserve his demise the way that he did. I didn’t understand why everyone was cheering. Why was this ok? That is the world we live in. We find power in the ability to manipulate a situation or others. That is why this fire burns within me. My soul is angry. It wants to fight against the wrong doings of this world. The worst part of it all being that humans are the main cause or root of all of this. We destroy what we don’t understand. We destroy the best parts of the world. We destroy each other. We destroy ourselves. We take what we can and keep what we shouldn’t. Many times throughout my life, I have heard that it only takes one person to make a difference. One person brave enough to buck the trends. I believe that one person can make a difference, with the support of others. Being a cohesive unit with a singular focus. That is when you can actually see change. This is how it works. This is how it has always worked. Good or bad. We study history to learn not to repeat certain events that have taken place over time. But it repeats. The world is washed over and over again following the directions as that of a shampoo bottle. Those of us that are angry and try hard to break free from a cloned society are put on display and brought down ending up with the same fate as that mighty bull. What do we need to do to be heard? Where do we go from here? Why don’t others listen? I may not know why I am here. I may not even know my purpose. I may never know. But I do know that I will continue to help others. I will continue to build others up instead of tearing them down. I will stand up and be heard when something is not right and will scream my words when I feel or see injustice. I only hope that, at the end of the day, this fiery bull within me will ignite the fire in many.
By Tia Dalu Souhrada3 years ago in Humans
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