Struggling
A cry for help
I am sitting at a table looking at the things around me and wondering why i am here. Tears just randomly sliding down my face.
The early morning quietness a temporary balm to my soul thinking hopefully that it l will last before the noise takes back over. My hands grabbing the braids on each side of my hair and pulling hard thinking the pain will distract me. Shall i cut it, shave it all off ? Running a finger over the fat veins showing in my arms as i try and write.
Later in the day, I ask and beg for time alone hoping someone will "ask are you ok" but no one does.... no one ever does. Its' mom this and mom that with me dealing with their problems making sure they are ok . Keeping a fake smile on my face for everyone else in the house struggling to listen to the criticism of my as she finds fault with everything i do or say ..... understanding that they don't realize that i'm silently struggling to keep myself from breaking completely.
Using my phone as a buffer to distract and rein in the impulse to hurt myself. As a mom, I am always busy it seems making sure that my kiddos are well in every since of the word, but even my own parents don't seem to realize that I might be neglecting my own mental health.
Summer has seem to make it worse having no time truly for me to just turn off the mom part of my brain and just relax. Single moms (by divorce) do not have it easy without a village that they can trust. So i struggle without showing it because I am supposed to be so fucking strong and able to deal with anything.
Writing this despite getting interrupted several times over the course of this day has somewhat helped put the demons to rest but what about the next time. I know that no matter what my children love me, so i fake smile and pretend to be ok infront of other adults including my parents.
I AM NOT OK.....I STARTED THIS OVER a month ago and just now being able to finish by adding this last part. School is back in session but Depression is hard when you are being told to be strong and to be an adult.
I am not ok..... and never will be. I struggle with my loniliness daily keeping my quietness to myself only breaking the shell when reaching out to make sure others are ok. My heart swells and sometimes I break my shell to experience joy but I AM NOT OK.
How are you ok when your heart bleeds in your dreams? imagining a world in which your children are better off without you in it? Thinking everyone would be happier instead of you thinking that they blame you for their problems...... subconsciously even though they are not.
Shall I continue? I am Not Ok. ...... some days when my migraines are really bad and its a bad Bad day ..... I wonder if my meds would just make me sleep but I Never Give Into Temptation because I am mom. Each of my heartbeats need me for something as they navigate their own paths through life.
I know this seems to ramble but it started off as a poem but the words needed to tumble out even with distractions of having to be present. I am ending this here but not without saying this ...... Live life and seek help cause its much to short
About the Creator
Kia T Cooper-Erbst
Writer, poet, author. submissive. Mom of three wonderful human beings. These are the first things that come to mind when I think of myself besides being the obvious.... which is daughter, wife,etc.
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A Mother's heart and strength
In memory of Mamie Till-Mobley ( Nov. 23rd 1921- Jan 6th 2003) and Emmett Till ( July 25th 1941- Aug 28th 1955) We all know the details: Emmett Till was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. During the month of august 1955, He was visiting relatives near Money, Mississippi. One day on a trip into town with his cousins, he allegedly spoke to 21-year-old Carolyn Bryant, the wife of the store owner. Bryant took offense and accused Emmett of disrespecting her, which during those times was a violation of the laws in the Jim Crow era. Several nights later, Roy Bryant and his half-brother J.W. Miliam tracked Emmett down at the home of Mose Wright ( Emmett’s great uncle) and forced Emmett to go with them. After Emmett was forced to go with them , he was beaten and mutilated before they shot him in the head and used a cotton gin to weigh down his body in the river.
By Kia T Cooper-Erbst2 years ago in Humans
Comments (16)
Good day are you out there and you are going through relationship break up and you desperately need your lover back and you do not know how to go about it or you want that ex lover you love so much back then I will advise you contact this great prophet who helped me when I was also going through heart break.You can contact him via Email @ [email protected]
I found your writing and openness quite helpful. This vulnerability is what binds us humans together. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. My children are now adults, but I remember the struggle I faced when they were little. You're amazing and beautiful and I'm glad you're here.
When you find yourself in hell…. Keep going…. I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. I see already there are amazing and beautiful words of support below so instead I wish to offer practical advice. Balance your body and the mind will follow. Your situation will not change quickly but your perspective and ability to deal with it will. https://youtu.be/liOKEDQGLs8 This is me… a couple of years back I intended to start posting health related content like this before my life went in a different direction. These questions are a really great place to start. Remember that grief and pain in life is unavoidable- but suffering is a choice. Care for the body, protect yourself and do the work. That work will lead you into everything becoming better. Speaking of…. Look up the Holistic Psychologist - Dr Nicole. Her book How to do the work is excellent and she has tons of free content on Instagram that’s super helpful. Depending on what specific areas of your life are most in struggle, these are the ones to look up experts in. Eg. If it’s about self worth, try Marissa Peer, if it’s physical health, try Dr Berg on YouTube and also Dr Joe Dispenza, relationships? Esther Peril. Jay Shetty. Sadhguru. Lewis showed School of Greatness podcast (you tube) is also brilliant. Sandy @ Breathwork Beats is AMAZING for fast feeling results.(do it WITH your kids) Get the body moving, fluids in, prioritise sleep and calm, and breathwork, get the mind focussed on something / anything that is not painful. You’re not being punished. You are being broken down to show you that the way you are living is not conducive to joy… and the UP side of that… is now you will be able to work out where you are wrong and change your life. Sending a lot of love and motivation your way 🙏
Great work 👍
your words are truly touching
So proud of you for leaning into vulnerability and sharing your story, feelings, and experiences, Kia. They're all valid and true. Echoing what everyone has said before me: you are not alone. I hope you continue writing within this amazing Vocal community and that it brings you a little bit of that heart swelling joy you wrote about so eloquently <3
Hello, I am also a parent and I have bipolar disorder type ii, so I understand your feelings of helplessness and despair. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Recommending therapy isn't always helpful because I know I don't have health insurance and can't afford it. That said, if you ever want to talk coping mechanisms or you just need an ear to listen, feel free to reach out to me via discord or Facebook. I'll share the links to my profiles so you don't have to go looking. You got this even if it feels like you don't. Sending you my love and wishing you find strength to continue on in this fight. Discord: ashnotketchum#0 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ashley.lima.5?mibextid=ZbWKwL
I have been here more times than I can count. This was beautifully expressed and I truly hope you can find peace. I'm so glad you were able to write this, I hope getting it out there has brought you some catharsis. On top of that it is so well penned, to be able to express yourself so eloquently in a time of tumult is such a gift. Take care of yourself the best you can. The world is better with you in it.
heart touching write up
It is amazing that you expressed yourself as you have. If more individuals wrote letters like this then more lives would be saved. Keep being a strong powerful woman and mother, you’re in my prayers and you are not alone, in ways that you don’t know.
😩I can definitely relate to some of this…I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way! I hope that writing this helped a little! please keep going and please keep writing, you are NOT alone.
Sorry to hear. It’s sometimes good to have a vent..particularly in writing. It can help clarify a few things in your head! At least that is what I find, yet I guess talking about it is good too. 😊
Yes, please continue! Always continue! Your words have value and are read and seen and enjoyed (however heartbreaking they may be). Your love for your children shines through your frustrations and your earnest descriptions of strife. Keep writing this poem, forever if you have to. Sending love your way.
Sending love your way randomly in the night! I pray your migraines ease. You, Kia, are the bravest of the brave and the rewards for your enduring motherhood will be great. Keep writing and unapologetically let it out. We are your community and though you don’t know me, I care. Scott Wade
Kia, l'm so sorry you are struggling. I am very close with someone who has seen these dark days, and I know the weight of the burden you carry. You are a valuable piece of this world, and you are loved. The days can get very heavy sometimes, but they do pass, and tomorrow brings another chance for the light to shine in. I know we don't know each other, but I am here if you need to chat. I'm a mom too and can relate to some of the hardships. I'm on Facebook messenger, and I'm also happy to give you my number if you need to talk! You are not alone on this journey. Sending lots of love your way! 💞💫
I can easily relate to this. When my first husband left me for a 19-year old, I was already 30 and we had two sons. My alimony and child support was not nearly enough to pay the mortgage, pay bills, and buy food. I was working two and a half jobs. Almost every night, I prayed for death. It never came, and yet, I made it through another day. 35-years later, my sons and I are closer than ever. Their father rarely talks to them and they don't care. Even though each day was tough, I found out that I was tougher. I made it! ..... I believe you can too. Good luck.