Getting Out There

Do you know one of the things that scares me the most?

Putting my writing out into the world for other people to read it.

I know that it doesn't make sense - I'm a novelist, I should want people to read my work, right?

But somehow, it is more complicated than you might think.

I've been writing a long time, with most of my writing only being seen by my close friends and family. A long-standing tradition has been for me to read my works in progress aloud to my brother, allowing him hands free to game while also allowing me to catch mistakes that I hadn't noticed. But beyond that, there weren't many people who have read my writing.

Once, when I was in college, I wrote a short story for what our Community Theatre called "Fourth Fridays." This was an evening where people submitted their short stories, had someone read them aloud, and received feedback from other writers. I don't remember much of that feedback, but I do remember the nerves that I felt while listening to my story be read.

Let's face it; people can tell you to be confident in yourself as much as they like, but it doesn't mean that you automatically do. Self-confidence has been something that I've struggled with for as long as I remember, and I'm honestly surprised when someone gives me positive feedback on my writing. That night, I remember that one of my friends gave me some great feedback. But I also remember that some of the more experienced writers in the group had deeper questions about the characters and the plot that I honestly hadn't considered.

Luckily, it was a very safe space, and all of the other writers were nothing but supportive and encouraging to me as a younger artist without as much experience.

Still, it would be years before I put myself out there like that again.

I attempted a self-publishing journey in 2016, which, as I've mentioned, didn't end that well. I didn't get much feedback on it, save for the lack of sales. Two friends did eventually give me strong constructive criticism, which led me to take the book down (and eventually rewrite it three times).

I continued writing, determined to be published one day and get over my fear of getting negative feedback.

Eventually, I returned to blogging regularly; I'd tried a bit in high school but stopped during the hustle and bustle of college. I wrote primarily non-fiction, blogging about events in my life. Occasionally I would write short stories, but anyone who knows my writing knows that I'm anything but short-winded, and short stories stress me out.

That, too, faded off as life went on and continued getting busy. It came back when I was dealing with anemia and fibroids, as blogging allowed me to both vent my anxiety and share my experiences with women like me who may have been going through the same things.

Just before I returned to blogging, I finished a draft of a novel. I had written outside of my normal genre - fantasy - to write a political thriller. I did so much research on this piece, learning about different governments and espionage, among other things. This was one of the few pieces that I felt strongly about sharing with others. So I started submitting it to agents, hoping to find someone to represent me so that I could get published.

I couldn't even tell you how many rejections that I received. I was extremely discouraged and turned my attention to the next novel that I was working on to keep myself from being depressed about the whole situation.

While working, I followed a friend's advice and started a TikTok channel. On it, I spoke about my different experiences with writing, asked questions of other authors, and connected with indie and traditionally published authors. It is an amazing community and I've made some great connections there.

Once I'd built up a following, I asked if anyone would be willing to read and give me feedback. I exchanged chapters with one of them for a while, and another read a few chapters. However, neither of them finished it. I did get some good feedback that clued me in to what needed to be improved - and why no agents had wanted to represent me.

I took this knowledge and applied it to my current novel, shortening chapters and focusing on the plot. At the advice of my boyfriend, I made a "publishing checklist" to keep me on track for what I needed to get done to get my novel published. After revisions and edits, I decided that it was time to put myself out there again.

I felt more prepared this time. The plot was tighter, the characters better, and the world more thought through. In preparation for beta readers, I released a series of videos explaining the draws of my novel for anyone who would be interested in reading. Then I released the call.

To date, I have eight readers. Three are personal friends, and the others are Tiktokers. My goal is to get at least ten. None of them have gotten very far, yet, but I've gotten some positive feedback alongside constructive criticism. And despite my continued anxiety of someone finding something terribly wrong...I'm nowhere near as nervous as I thought I'd be.

Preparation is big for me. The work that I did to prepare myself for letting people see my work - and be ready for feedback, good or bad - has been so important to get myself ready for the goal of being a published author.

Already this process has been so much better, and I can't wait to get all of the feedback and get ready for publishing for the world to see all of my hard work.

It just goes to show that sometimes you just need to get yourself out there.