Strangers

Where did you go? For years I wondered where that guy went, the one I once knew the one I thought loved me enough to jump off a roof because we weren't together. Not the crazy one. The one that had all that love for me. That guy I thought would do as I would for one another. Love you apart. Love you together. Love you with respect. Love with honesty. Love you in a way that nobody else would understand. You were my family. I have to wonder how we became strangers all of a sudden. What changed in your life that now you look at me as if I was the enemy?

The funny part is that your idea of me changed when you found out something and automatically made an ass out of yourself. You’ve held on to that assumption thinking it was true and now to save face you constantly try to throw that at me. Really sad part is you are further from the truth it is ridiculous that we keep coming back to this point 5 years later. And you say if that didn’t happen, we would still be together. Ha ha ha, I laugh in the face of the lie. We used to have each other backs for everything with no complaint and my stupid ass still hold true to that even though we are no longer together. How did we get here?

I concluded that you are more hurt then you keep telling. How is that even possible when you moved on so fast that the eye wasn’t about to catch the change? People say that’s a rebound. Guess that’s why you had so many issues with her out the gate. Karma is such a beautiful creature when she delivers. Her and fate play their games but know who needs it when it should be given. I know I don’t have all the answers, but this is mind blowing to me and I can’t seem to grasp how over ten years of loving someone turns into so much hatred. I think all that anger is a manifestation of how he feels about himself and because it’s harder to beat yourself up verbally then directing that towards others. (Smacked myself in the forehead) this may be the dumbest shit I have ever tried to explain about someone. It could be true. You never know, right.

Trying to think of how to explain without using so many situations to really broaden the view of how I imagined the relationship we use to have. Issues by Julia Michaels captured completely how I thought our love used to be we had issues but that was okay because it was our problems and we were the only ones to solve them. Guess my mind made up all that I felt. Well not what I felt what I believed he felt because he lied and told me that he was in love with me forever. Scratching my head because I thought forever was longer then when he let someone come between us. Even though I often wonder how I lost him and when did we become such strangers. The fight is no longer within me and I won’t be that female that keeps trying to maintain something over and over again when all that keeps happening is dirt being kicked in my face.

Losing love doesn't mean you have to lose who you are. Losing love should make you stronger than they didn't give you credit for when you were together. He may be a stranger to me now, but I know I will be better off not having him a part of my life. Now I feel like a walking contradiction when I add this part. In my head I know my heart is better off but my heart has many compartments and it still hurts and will probably always hurt knowing that the guy I once loved so much could create such discomfort within me. I wouldn’t be human if I let my emotions get blocked off from hurt, love or any other type of feeling. I am who I am today because of the pain, the love, the crazy that has been my life.