Stop Asking Why I Don't Have Kids

We live in a society that doesn’t dare talk about or ask about someone’s mental health issues but has no problem asking a woman about her plans for parenthood. How is that your business? How is it anyone’s business outside of the individual and his/her/ their spouse? Truth is, it is not! However, our society still believes in the old-fashioned ideal that as an adult you get married and start a family. So when people get to a certain age the questions switch from “When are you going to have children?” to “Why didn’t you have children?” as if someone has something wildly wrong with them if they are 38 and childless. For some people the answer isn’t a simple one. Then they are faced with the dilemma of explaining the complicated version or just lie to end the conversation. For a long time, I would often go on to explain my long complication answer.

The truth is I always wanted children, at least 2 (one girl and one boy). I dreamed of motherhood and fantasized about being pregnant. I picked out names and knew the themes of my nursery for each child. In fact, I was pregnant at one point in my lifetime. When I was 21 years old I found out that I was pregnant and then two days later I found myself in the emergency room in excruciating pain. It turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy- occurs when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the main cavity of the uterus, most often occurs in a fallopian tube which is called a tubal pregnancy. Though it wasn’t a viable pregnancy I still wonder about that child and how different my life with be if I had a 17 year old right now. But my situation is a bit complicated. So it isn’t as easy to explain to those nosy people that want to know why I don’t have children without telling them my whole story.

When I was 18 (almost 19) I went to the doctor because I found a lump on the back of my neck along my hairline. My mom insisted I get it checked out. So, she went with me and the doctor started asking weird questions about fatigue and aches and joint pain. I was told the lump was most likely a swollen lymph node which is not usually serious, however the reason behind it being swollen could potentially be serious. The nurse took a few vials of blood to test it for several different diseases and disorders each sounding scarier and scarier. Lyme’s disease, autoimmune disorders, mono, and a few others. A week later we got a call that they needed to take more blood because the results show it was an autoimmune disorder now they had to determine which it was. After two different rounds of bloodwork and a few false positives I found myself back in the doctor’s office to hear my results. That was the day my life changed forever. I had to accept that my life would be different, and I had to find a new normal. Lupus? What is that? How is my life going to change? Am I going to die prematurely because of this disease? Will anyone want to date a sick person? Will I ever be able to start a family? I am sure there were a million other questions going through my mind when I was sitting on that doctor’s table with the paper making crinkling noises every time, I shifted my body. But I did not hear anything the doctor said after lupus and my mind did not retain all the questions or thoughts swirling in my head. You may be wondering what this all must do with children, well let me finish.

Let’s start with some facts. Lupus is a chronic (long-term) disease that can cause inflammation and pain in any part of your body. It’s an autoimmune disease, which means that your immune system (the body system that usually fights infections) attacks healthy tissue instead. Lupus most commonly affects your skin, joints, internal organs, like your kidneys and heart but can affect any part of your body including the central nervous system. Lupus presents certain risks during pregnancy so it is considered a “high risk” pregnancy. A high-risk pregnancy is one of greater risk to the mother or her fetus than an uncomplicated pregnancy. Complications involving high blood pressure can affect up to 20% of pregnant women who have lupus. High blood pressure can be brought on by pregnancy. High blood pressure can also increase your risk of preeclampsia. This is a serious condition in which there is a sudden increase in blood pressure or protein in the urine or both. It occurs in about one out of every five lupus pregnancies. Approximately one out of every five lupus pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Miscarriages are more likely in women with high blood pressure, active lupus, and active kidney disease. About one out of every three women with lupus delivers preterm. That means before completing 37 weeks of pregnancy. This is more likely in women with preeclampsia, antiphospholipid antibodies, and active lupus.

Despite knowing all of these risks I did still hope to have my own biological children. My family didn’t feel the same way as I did. They told me they do not want me to risk my life for the sake of being a mother. Truth is it was easy for my mom and my sister to say this. They both had kids. They both felt the kick of a baby against their stomachs. They both knew what it felt like to bring a child into this world. So of course they could say this because they didn’t know how absolutely gutting it is to hear people telling them to not have biological children when that was all they ever dreamed about. They don’t get the looks of pity for being childless in their late 30’s. They don’t have nosy people asking them personal questions about why they don’t have children. Because they followed the societal norm by getting married and having children. They don’t have to tell the world their personal story just to answer a question that should never even be acceptable to ask.

So for a long time I would explain to people that I made a personal choice that if I did not have my own children by the time I turned 35 then I would just adopt a child. After 35, a woman becomes high risk during pregnancy due to her age making me double high risk in my eyes when you add lupus to the equation. But it is surprising to see the looks people give you when you tell them it was your choice to not have biological children. Their face goes blank and they blink a few times as if they can’t believe they heard you correctly the first time. Then I always feel obligated to tell them my whole story as an explanation. After that grew exhausting, I started lying. I would just tell people I was unable to have children due to fertility issues. That always stopped the conversation immediately but often resulted in looks of pity to the poor infertile woman who wouldn’t get to experience the joy of birthing a child. I know it was wrong to lie about that. Fertility issues are serious and quite devastating for any couple that has ever had to deal with or is currently going through. My heart aches for those individuals that have trouble conceiving naturally. I can emphasize with their devastation.

Over the last year I have embarked on a self-love voyage. I have learned to love myself again. The journey wasn’t easy. I spent hours listening to self-help audiobooks. I have filled many pages journaling my thoughts and feelings. I covered my walls with post-it notes that had affirmations written on them. I meditated on countless mornings. The most important lesson I learned throughout this journey is simple but profound. Not everyone deserves to hear your story. Now I choose to not answer those nosy questions about why I don’t have children because not everyone deserves to hear my story. I know I don’t have to explain my choices or my life to people because they ask. We should stop normalizing asking such personal questions. It should not be acceptable to ask about someone’s plans for children. We should normalize talking about mental health. We should normalize talking about sex at an early age. We should normalize talking about feelings. Let’s make better choices!