Sticks and Stones:

When we are young and someone teases us on the playground our parents tell us "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." They dry our tears, tell us they love us, and send us back into the world armed with these wise words to protect us from future attacks. What we don't learn until much later, is this is one of many lies our parents will tell us throughout our lives. Words are profoundly important and may be more powerful than even those proverbial projectiles.

Growing up my older brother loved to beat me up. It was the 1980s and we were like two young wolf pups tussling and fighting whenever mom wasn't looking. He terrorized me with this large dinosaur bone "pillow" that I swear was stuffed with sand. He called it his "Purdue fighting chicken" and man did that thing hurt (seriously, imagine a pillow fight where one of you has a sandbag). He made me play football with him which was essentially me running at him and then promptly being knocked on the ground. I drew the line at playing hockey with him on the concrete floor of our basement because I liked my brains being inside my skull. He desperately wanted a little brother and did his best with what he got - this scrappy, feisty little sister who used to write him love notes in computer class. The scrapes and bruises of my childhood healed. At 37 and 42 years old, we can kick back with a beer and joke about all the ridiculous things we've done. Despite all our bickering and tackling we always knew how much we loved each other and would protect one another from anything. He might be allowed to hit me with that stuffed dinosaur leg but if anyone else tried something they better run!

Then there are the relationships that are free from physical trauma. Instead they slowly inflict tiny wounds to your psyche with their words. They gaslight you into disbelieving your own thoughts and value. They subtly twist your words of concern into self-damning confessions. They break you down so subtly that not even your closest friends and family members can see it. You morph into the "crazy girl" all while your partner sits there smiling free from any blame or wrong doing. The scars run so deep that when you are finally free you still have nights where you cannot breathe from the fear that bubbles deep inside. You distrust every well-meaning act of kindness because "what does it really mean?" and "when will the other shoe fall?" You realize your life now has a baseline level of anxiety that you will never be rid of because the roots are too deep. And you find yourself thinking, "if he just hit me would this be easier now?" maybe the sticks were the better option all along. And with that thought you realize just how messed up your brain has become because who in their right mind would choose sticks over words.

As we in the book community debate the power of words. If these are "just books, relax" or if they are more - I am reminded of the things that really do keep me up at night. Of all my negative self talk that is really a reflection of the negative words I've internalized over a lifetime. Of governments who banned works and even killed authors in order to control the political narrative in their favor. Of the young people who killed themselves after being bullied for being different. Words are one of the most powerful tools we have. Words can change lives for better or worse. If words weren't this important, our parents wouldn't give us a white lie to cling to in order to help us cope with their power. The intention is to protect us from their wounds. In reality, being blind to the innate power of language will never protect you.

We must protect ourselves by understanding how our words are received and what we can do to protect others from potential harm. We need to be open to constructive criticism and productive dialogue around tough topics. Throwing up our hands and saying "everyone is so offended today, gosh you just can't say anything anymore," effectively kills any chance at meaningful communication. No, we do not have to agree on all things. Yes, we do need to be respectful and listen when others call us out on things that are hurtful or offensive. We also need to be respectful while we're calling people out. It is never ok to send threats. It is never ok to tell someone to harm themselves. It is never ok to use your words to cut someone down. Your words can hurt. No one is exempt from this rule.

Get ok with being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable can be the first step toward change. Embrace the power of words. Do all things with the intent to be respectful. Listen when someone says "you have hurt me" and don't listen just to react. Listen, pause, reflect. Give time to understand. Ask questions when you don't. Read books that challenge your thought process. Open your eyes to other points of view and lived experiences. We will accomplish so much more working together than at cross purposes. Sticks and stones will hurt me, but so will words if we use them like weapons.