Stargaze with Me

1. It's not that cold. Aidan looks cold anyways. The moon overhead is casting too much light for my comfort. The stars are difficult to see because of it, but he doesn't seem to mind. We sip hot chocolate and sit so our knees touch. We look out at the mountains, illuminated by the moon's bright light. Snow has touched their massive rock faces. When Aidan laughs, his giggles are higher in pitch than I would have guessed. When I catch him smiling at me, I wonder how it's possible for time to stand still this way. I tease him relentlessly, he seems to enjoy it.

Sitting on top of the continental divide, with him beside me, I feel invincible.

"Remind me to tell you something when we get back home." I request. Setting myself up now ensures I won't chicken out later.

"Okay." He says, slowly. The conversation lulls. He knows.

Conversation picks back up, and I forget my anxiety about the thing I'm going to tell him later. We laugh at the suspicious car parked nearby, gather our things, and drive down the mountain pass.

"What were you going to tell me?" He asks on his way out of my house, much later. I can't look him in the eyes. If I do, I'm going to get lost in them and stumble over my words. He gazes at me as we stand outside, in the cold.

"Oh." I shuffle my feet, like it's no big deal. "I was wondering if I could maybe kiss you sometime."

Aidan's silence is measured, without looking I can hear how he's trying to keep it cool. "Okay."

"Really?" I expect an awkward rejection, an uncomfortable farewell, a restless night spent shaming myself for mentioning it.

"Yeah." He's still not smiling, but sounds pleased.

"Okay." I haven't planned this far. "Cool."

"Yeah."

"Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight." He turns and leaves. I go back inside and as he starts his car up, I can't decide what to do with my hands. I want to jump and scream and kick something. I have a hard time remembering the last time this feeling had welled up so strongly in my tummy. I want to laugh and cry and run back and hug him all at once. Instead of breaking out into a wild dance, I force myself upstairs to my room to think it over and bask in the feeling of being wanted.

2. "I'll race you!"

Main street is deserted at two in the morning. Soft lights twinkle in the windows of local businesses. There's a single car parked in front of one of the local shops. The roadway, illuminated by artificial light, is cold and unyielding as Aidan scoffs at my challenge.

"You can't win against me."

"Watch me, nerd."

He wins, of course. His legs are much longer than mine, and I doesn't help that I can't stop laughing once I start running. Sprinting down the middle of the deserted road in sandals, I realize I miss playing. Playing with Aidan is freeing, it's easy. As he claims his victory with a bow, he's illuminated by overhead spotlights and the stoplight behind him. I finally catch up, and try to push him off balance. We hustle back, noses and fingers red from the cold, to my house. I'm giddy, he's smiling.

My living room still smells like impromptu cinnamon rolls. We've grown tired of watching TV. At the same time, I know he doesn't want to go home. I don't want him to leave. We tidy up plates caked in leftover icing and sit on the couch. Hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder. I nestle against him, he rests his cheek on top of my head. His scruffy face makes my scalp feel itchy. He smells like food, cold air, Old Spice. He feels like home.

3. Grief pulls in my chest, threatening to pull my heart into my stomach. The morning is cold as I walk past Aidan's house on my way to visit my friend Glynnis. His truck is parked outside. He's probably sleeping in. The weather is not nearly cold enough to distract me. I cry as I walk; I don't know how to stop. If I recognize that I'm in denial, does it still count as denial?

A woman in a car pulls over about two hours into my walk. Her face is etched with concern. "Are you okay?" I step over to her car, putting on a smile.

"I'm okay."

"I'm just making sure, hon. I understand if you've got troubles at home. Can I give you anything?"

Gently, I refuse her help. She seems wary as she drives away. I would be too, if I saw a kid walking alone ten miles out of town. A cop seems to have the same idea, and slows briefly to check in. I wave him on with a call of thanks, and continue walking.

It's turning out to be a beautiful day. Every so often, a cloud blocks the sunshine, offering respite from the overbearing warmth. I look out across fields of weeds alongside the road. Early light bleeds through the fibrous grain, the golden color is difficult to look away from. The mountains are vibrant with fall. Desperate to turn my attention to something outside of me, I take time to study the houses, the road and the rocks.

Glowing sunshine seeps into my skin as painful realization soaks into my skull.

He doesn't want you. Regardless of how true this is, I realize that I'm having difficulty acknowledging the end. After all, it feels so sudden.

You knew, though. You knew it couldn't last.

Yes, I reply to myself. My knees are achy from the morning trek and my heart hurts more than it ever has, I knew it couldn't last. I just hoped that it would.