She Won't Wait for You

Exhaustion hung in the air and around my head. I could hear my heartbeat, slower than normal as I stood and stared at the wall. The droning whirr of engines somewhere far, far below me alerted me to the fact that the ship was in warp. The information meant nothing to me, and I didn’t care to step back into my room. I cared to stand in shock instead.

She’d said it. She’d said she loved me.

I was trapped in that moment. With tears in her eyes, she’d begged me to admit that I loved her too. Something invisible had lifted from my shoulders, and I remembered responding to her. Had she said the word, I would have left the academy, my friends, and my mentor for her. I would have left everything for her. I loved her too.

A nearby port window, looking out into space, caught my attention as a sudden flash of light illuminated the hallway. A distant star that was a little too bright, nothing more. My attention, momentarily diverted, turned back to the wall across the hallway. Sighing deeply, I turned to go back to bed.

She startled me, standing at the end of the corridor, having made no noise as she approached. She wore a light gown, equipped for sleep. Her blonde hair fell down past her shoulders, loose and unkempt. Even from here, I could see the simultaneous desperation and relief on her face. I uncrossed my arms and moved to her, as she did to me. In an instant, I had taken her around the shoulders and squeezed her close to my chest. Liv’s arms wrapped around my waist, a hug that was strong and gentle. Her head rested against my chest, and her body moved, relaxed, against me. Her hair smelled like vanilla. She sniffled as I held her.

Neither of us spoke until she pulled away to look at me. Her blue eyes reflected the dim lights of the corridor as if we stood beneath the stars themselves. Some wisps of hair framed her face. Looking at her was mesmerizing. I gently traced her cheek with my thumb. She did not react, except to take hold of my elbow and smile a bit.

“Kris.” She finally spoke. I wanted to melt as she inclined her head and gave me an innocent look. “Come and fetch a mug of tea with me?”

In a moment, everything stopped feeling soft and light. A heaviness weighed in my heart as I held her. I had no reason to say no. There was no one else here. We’d have tea and catch up, like it was the old days. I’d tell her about the academy, about my own ship and adventures. She’d tell me about politics, whatever that was about.

I let my hand fall from her face. “Don’t do this to me.” I begged.

Her expression changed to a worried frown. “Kris?”

“I want to,” I told her, and wondered when and how badly I would regret saying the next words, “but I can’t.”

A moment passed. Torturous sorrow etched itself into her features and she looked at the ground. “Oh.” Her voice came out too softly. “I know.” A moment passed. She let go of me, turned suddenly, and began to walk away. Without thinking, I grabbed her arm and stopped her.

“Liv.” She looked at me, her eyes full of tears. I thought I was going to burst. “I’m sorry.” I told her. “I’m so sorry.” She folded herself against me for a second hug and burst into sobs. I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my face against her head. She cried into my chest silently for an eternity, but I couldn’t let her go. I placed my hand against her head and rubbed her back. My breath felt trapped in my chest. It tried to bubble up and out of my lungs but in my desperation I’d forgotten how to let it out.

After a while, Liv stopped sobbing. I clasped my hands behind her waist and rested my head on hers, now sniffling as much as she was. Unconsciously, we began to sway in the hollow hallway. Silence pervaded the sadness, time stretched on indefinitely. Her head against my chest was comfortingly heavy, her hand on my shoulder offered nearly weightless support.

“It’s too late.” She startled me with her speech.

I pondered. My contract with the Federation would take me to the ends of the galaxy. We could not be in the same place at the same time. I’d grown to love my work. After all this time, I couldn’t give up something I cared so much about. “It’s too late.” I responded. The finality of it hit me harder than ever. A lump rose in my throat and to keep from letting a sob out, I pressed my face into her hair.

We stood for an indefinite period of time, until my arms had cramped from how tightly I was squeezing her. Her breaths had synced into mine, and we stood, a single unit, for what felt like hours. After a while, curiosity got the better of me.

“Aren’t there people guarding your room?”

She did not so much as stutter, “There’s a vent that leads into the hall.”

“Oh?” I forced myself to composure but did not let go of her.

She sighed deeply, her breath reverberating in my chest, “It doesn’t matter.”

I shook my head and smiled. “It matters to me. You should have an escort, Liv. You are a very important senator lady.”

She pulled away from me, removing one hand from my chest to place it on my cheek. The suddenness of the movement surprised me but it was not unpleasant as she rubbed my face with her thumb. “Be my escort then. Just this once.” I hadn’t expected her to try to convince me a second time. I reached up to take her wrist. She smiled, her eyes lighting up, as I kissed the hand that I’d taken and let go of her to step back and bow gently.

“Anything for you, Senator.” When I looked back up, she regarded me gently. Her voice was choked.

“Anything, Kris?”

I moved, bare feet silent on the carpeted hallway floor, to stand beside her and face the way we’d come, offering my arm at a more comfortable angle where she could hold my elbow. “Anything but space rats.”

“Oh.” She took my arm. We walked down the hall.

“Why would I want space rats?” She asked, “If not to…”

“Eat them, Senator?”

“Well, that is the obvious use.”

We chuckled quietly and pressed closer together at the same moment. Liv felt stronger than she had fourteen years ago. “What’s the less obvious use?”

“Earth hockey, of course.”

At the mental image of a rat used as a hockey puck, we burst into exhausted giggles. Frantically, Liv shushed me and I only heard footsteps down the hall once she dragged me by the arm to the left. Still crushing laughter into our bellies, we crammed into a dark broom closet in the corner and left the door cracked. I draped my arm around her shoulders as we heard a sentry make his way down the hall. Once the footsteps faded, Liv peeked out of the door ever so slightly and checked that the coast was clear before she pulled me out. We allowed for slight giggles to break loose as we picked up the pace and turned down the hallway to her quarters.

“I’ll race you.” She said, mischief in her eyes when she looked at me.

A beat passed as I smiled back at her. In the moment, I was a kid again, planted in a moment of space and time with Liv, simply glad to have found her when nothing else made sense. But this made sense. I blinked at her and smiled wider. Liv made sense.

“You’re on.” I arched an eyebrow. “You want a head start?.” She cocked her head at me and scoffed.

“I’ll take a ten second head start, thank you very much.”

“Wait!” I gasped, “Um, I was joking.”

“Okay, Kris,” She reached out to pat my shoulder then dashed down the hallway at a breakneck pace. I ended up giving her at least five seconds before I started after her, gaining quickly. She uttered a profanity as she noticed I was quickly catching up. I stifled laughter as I began to pass her by.

“No!” She squealed, and reached out to grab my sleeve. I might have pulled away, but let her grab my arm. To my surprise, she body slammed me into the ground and my breath was blown out momentarily. As a gasp of shock jolted out of me I reached to grapple her to the ground with me and my hand grabbed thin air. When I looked up, she had reached the end of the hallway and turned to look back at me, her small arms raised over her head in victory.

“Yes!” She hissed quietly and I stood, dusting myself off and panting. As I straightened my hair, I approached her, sniffling with my chin in the air.

“Calm down, sweetheart, you didn’t win anything…” I said in an attempt to water the victory down. She punched my arm when I came close enough.

“You can’t take this from me!” She laughed, “I beat you, I beat you!”

“Oh, yes, say it louder.” I said, “Shall I make you a trophy, Senator?”

“Please and thank you!” She laughed, “Inscribe it so; Senator of Pathos, faster than Kris, the slowest of all Captains.”

“I can’t imagine what you’re like when you lose.” I shook my head and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead.

We found ourselves in an adjoining hallway to the Duchess’ quarters following an eventful second race. I continued to pinch the bridge of my nose and soak up the blood flowing out of my nostrils with the silky headband that Liv had been wearing not moments before she’d thrown me to the ground. I didn’t remember how my nose had started bleeding, only that she’d won the second race. Together, we pressed up against the wall and she peeked around the corner to look at where her guards stood.

“They’re still there.” She whispered back to me.

“Where else would they be?” I asked, and received a sharp elbow in my ribs for my comment. I wheezed and giggled, unhurt.

“Well,” as she turned to gaze up at me, shadowed in the poor lighting, I wiped my nose free of the remainder of blood and sniffled loudly. She changed whatever she was going to say by reaching forward and hissing, “Shh!” with a grin on her face.

“Oh, forgive me,” I replied, “I’ll be sure to play by mafia rules next time.”

"They’ll kill me if they find me outside of my room!” She giggled, “Quick, boost me up to the vent!”

“Oh… wait…” I felt unprepared to say goodbye. “...wait, Liv.”

The smile died from her face but remained a ghost on her lips as she looked at me, vibrant in the early hours of the morning. The heaviness around my chest had never quite lifted, but I’d forgotten about it in the heat of the moment. Now, it felt as if it made a grand return. “Here’s… um…” I held out her silk scarf, “Here’s your thing back. Sorry…”

“Oh, no.” She replied, pushing my hand away. “I don’t want that. It’s got your snot all over it.”

I hoped to stall for time. I didn’t want this to end. “Nah, take the DNA and then just wash it, it’ll be pink now.”

“You’re disgusting.” She smiled at me and tugged on my arm. “Now really, I can’t reach this vent by myself.”

“Wait.” I gasped, and reached out to grasp her around the wrist. My heart pounded in my chest. Without allowing myself to think, I dropped the fabric I held, reached forward to gently cup her face with my hands, and kissed her.

She’d expected it. She reached up to grab me under the elbows but I could hardly tell. The only thing I could think of was the feeling of her lips against mine, the breath from her nose that brushed against my cheek, the gentle sigh that escaped her body as I moved one arm to envelop her head and draw her closer to me.

It ended too soon. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I hugged her around the shoulders, clutching her tightly to my chest. I wondered what would happen after this, or if it would really matter. I wondered if this meant I would be any different.

I finally pulled away, remembering that it was my fault that we were broken. Her face, barely illuminated, held a certain peace to it as she gazed at me. Before I could reach up to tuck her hair behind her ear, she lifted her hands and cupped my cheeks. “Don’t be sad, okay?.” She requested. “It’s not your fault, Kris.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded. “After all, it would never have worked between us.” She said, her tone lighthearted but her eyes sorrowful.

“I’m sorry?” I found the courage to speak.

“I couldn’t be with someone who was such a poor kisser.”

“Oof,” I smiled, feigning incredulity, “that bad?”

“Awful. Disgusting. Terrible. Let me have another.” She moved forward and planted her face against mine a second time. I could nearly feel her heart pounding in my own chest as she gripped my face and I her waist. Eventually, she giggled, her breath harsh against my face, and broke away to rest her forehead against mine. I smiled when she wouldn't stop snorting with laughter.

“You're terrible.” I told her.

“No, it wasn't the kiss! I just… I smelled your blood and now I’m thinking about when you face planted into the carpet…”

“You had to ruin it, didn’t you?”

The moment was further interrupted by voices down the hallway, in the general direction of Liv’s room’s entrance. She sighed and pulled back ever so gently to look at me.

“Well?”

I kept hold of one of her gentle hands and kissed it quietly before I led her to stand directly under the vent in question. I knelt and cupped my hands, creating a stirrup which she could stand upon. I looked up at her.

“Liv.”

She reached out to place a hand on my head as she stepped into my hands. “Kristopher.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled and placed her hand under my chin briefly before focusing on the wall and the task at hand. At the same time that she leaned her weight on me, I hoisted her up in order to get her off the ground. She didn’t weigh much, and with my help she was able to reach the vent that led to her room and get a fair hold inside of it. I watched as she wiggled her way inside, and she gently replaced the grate that guarded the outside of the unit.

“See you soon.” I heard her call out to me.

I listened to her crawl her way back into her room, then moved out of the small hallway and into the larger, better illuminated passageway that would take me back to my quarters. My mind was turbulent in Liv’s absence. Everything that I felt pounded at the base of my skull. It didn’t make sense in my gut and it hurt in my heart to leave. This hurt a lot more than I’d expected it to.

I remembered kissing her. A smile leaked onto my lips as I lost my footing in the hall momentarily. That was nicer than thinking about leaving. Slowly, I made my way back to my room, and couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of my face.