Square One

There are seven songs that always remind me of the man I love. I noticed today while listening to them that they represent the emotional journey I've been on regarding our 'relationship'. I write relationship in quotes because it's complicated...like all great love stories. I'm being sarcastic- it is not a great love story...it's not even a great love. Whatever hold this man has on me will not be relinquished. I've tried. But I've reached a point in my life where I'm ok with this finally.

Square one. Having subtitled this a part two to my first story "Un(?)requited Love" one might find it at odds with the title- how can this be a part two if we're at square one? Well, let me tell you.

First though, I need to address a couple issues from the first story. I've just read it and couldn't believe I wrote that I needed a man to feel content. I suppose that's part of my journey, realizing that I don't need anyone to bring me happiness, that I make it myself. The next issue is that I insinuated that I'd be complete if I had a man- false. That's another thing I learned. And finally, when he told me he wanted a relationship with me but wasn't looking for sex- I realize now how gullible I was in believing him. To be honest I don't think I believed him but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I was blind. I still am a bit.

Okay, now that I've cleared the air I can explain this title. It's simple really. I feel like I'm at square one with him. It only FEELS that way, I realize that I've gone through a LOT in order to get here. And, at first, when I felt this I was sad and angry until I realized that it isn't exactly square one. It's almost as if I've gone back in time but with future knowledge. I'm in the right state of mind now to acknowledge and accept "square one" as it is- just a feeling.

The man in question is now what I like to call my uber boss, which technically means that he is the regional/market manager above the department I work in. It's "uber" because he is above even our store manager. He has a lot of power- which I have a weakness for, but that's another story.

For a long time he was out of my life. I didn't see him but on the very few occasions he'd come to 'help out' our store manager while he was managing his own store. Once in a blue moon he would send the odd text around midnight that I wouldn't get until the morning because I was sleeping. All he ever wrote was "hey". I would simply say that I was sleeping during this time and asked him what he wanted. I was doing splendidly. I stopped crying and feeling butterflies when I thought, talked about him and the rare times I saw him in person. I was doing REALLY well. Years went by like this which allowed me to heal, to focus on myself, my education, and my spirituality.

I believe in signs.

I kept feeling something was coming and all the cards said someone from my past was going to reappear...

You guessed it. He came back...with a vengeance. Not only was he back but he is in charge of my department. I remember the first time I heard the rumor that he'd be our new uber boss. I shrugged it off with the attitude of "I'll believe it when I see it".

Then I saw it. Or, rather, him.

I was doing so well. I kept saying this to myself as I saw him for the first time. I scoffed and cursed the universe for putting him back in my path. I couldn't ignore him now. I can but it's difficult. My feelings for him haven't changed but how I handle my reactions to him and my feelings for him have. I've grown a lot in his absence. I began to fight it, my attraction to him. But the universe kept putting him back in my path. I would ask for signs and not get what I wanted- which was someone else, if nothing. They always answered with him. No mistaking. So I finally gave in. My spiritual journey taught me to go with the flow, don't fight. I've given up, given in, but not to a point where it's detrimental to me, like before.

What does this all have to do with these seven songs? Here we go- I've tried to order them as best I can to the chronological order in which they resonated, comforted, and taught me. Music is a HUGE part of my life, especially my spiritual life.

Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" written by Prince-

I feel like this is self-explanatory. I'm sure most of us have felt the love and longing this song so beautifully conveys. As I've said before, I tried dating but compared all the men to him. It never worked out and it never will.

Kiesza's "Sound of a Woman" written by Kiesza and Rami Samir Afuni-

I was given this song by my best friend. He heard it and thought of me. I always listen to song recommendations, especially from someone who knows me well. While not all the lyrics resonate with me, there are a couple, and the overall feeling of the song certainly does. Lyrics like "maybe that's the sound of a woman, maybe that's the sound that her heart makes, when she's crying out to the one man chaining her to love that she can't escape" and "maybe that's the sound of a woman begging you to try just a little more" resonate with me because it is a love I can't escape, can't and don't want to because nothing compares to you. He did try a little more...just not with me.

Dua Lipa's "New Rules" written by Dua Lipa, Ian Kirkpatrick, Caroline Allin, Emily Warren-

This is an anthem for many people who need to learn their worth...as I did. There is no shame in needing to learn this. I can't remember if this was gifted me or I found it on my own. While the third rule does not apply to me (the idea does) the other two certainly do. You have to remember how they've treated you and know that you're worth more than that and you deserve better.

These first songs represent my earlier life and struggle with this situation- I was immature, angry, and sad. The latter songs represent maturity and acceptance.

Kim Petras' "Heart to Break" written by Kim Petras-

Not only is this a super cute video but it describes my situation almost perfectly. This is when my acceptance started seeping through. I first heard this song at D.C. Pride surrounded by the people I love and some of the most positive energy I've ever felt. Haven't been to a Pride? I suggest you do yourself the favor whether you're part of the community like me and my loved ones or an ally or simply curious. I promise you, you will feel welcome. I think coupled with that atmosphere and seeing Kim live (so adorable) really opened my mind to acceptance within myself and something just clicked. I was tired of lying to myself.

Fleetwood Mac's "Silver Springs" written by Stevie Nicks (The Queen)-

This song is similar to Kiesza's with the idea of "the sound of a woman". I'm well aware that it was written well before Kiesza was even born but I just found similarities. I absolutely love this song and it is my favorite of the bands. "You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you" is a powerful lyric that stands out to me. And I know he feels it too every time he looks at me. Incidentally, I read that Stevie Nicks was in Maryland (where I live) and saw Silver Springs on a street sign and thought it was so beautiful that she used it for the title. Silver Springs is a city in Maryland. Everything is connected...even if distantly. This is one of my anthems.

Dua Lipa's "Don't Start Now" written by Dua Lipa, Ian Kirkpatrick, Caroline Allin, Emily Warren-

This one is self-explanatory as well. It says "I'm over you and it's too late for you". This is a theme in my situation. Also, the lyrics resonate with me heavily describing my journey through the hurt "I'm not where you left me at all", "though it took some time to survive you," and self-acceptance "I met her on the other side". I did indeed meet myself on the other side.

Aurora's "Forgotten Love"- written by Aurora and Martin Sjolie-

Aurora is a beautiful, magical, ethereal being and singer/songwriter with a totally unique brain and voice. A song about accepting love and all that comes with it is a perfect ending to my journey. A journey that, of course, has no real ending but it marks the point of my true acceptance. Acceptance of my feelings for him, about the situation, life and the future.

"I release my body and there is no ghost of you inside my mind. I am moving on and thank god you let me try. You are the reason I can dance within the fire of goodbyes, of goodbyes. I can lie in the dark room without the feeling that I'm lonely"

Another lyric that resonates heavily is "I'm in love with the hunt itself" which allows me to move on and accept this situation. The time spent without him in my life has allowed me to strengthen myself and to know myself better. I'm asexual and a Brat. If you don't know what those are; asexual means I don't feel normal sexual attraction like most people and a Brat is a type of kink. Knowing this about myself has helped me realize that what I have with him now is enough. Not only does it have to be, since he just had child number three and I'm not a homewrecker, I couldn't satisfy him sexually, and I'm not wholly certain I'd want a relationship with ANYONE, I realized it IS enough for what I desire. Do I wish I could go back in time? Sure, I have regrets but what might have been good for me might have ruined his life so I'm content with what I have now. And who knows what the future holds.