Springle... The House

This story is about one of my mother’s many boyfriends. This one’s name is Willard. My brother and I called him the rat man in honor of the main character in the movie of the same name.

Willard was quite interesting indeed. He had four of his upper front teeth (all in a row) missing, he was kind of stocky (more chunky), and from time to time he had a gold cross painted on his chest. He also kept a wooden stake on the back seat of his car. You guessed it…he was afraid of vampires. According to him a vampire had attacked him one night as he was coming out of a liquor store. Hmm. He said he had not been drinking yet. Hmm. He said he was across the street from a public park. The story went that out of the corner of his eye he saw the shadowy figure of a tall guy coming across the park toward him; slowly at first, but strangely, more floating than walking. Then the pace picked up. The figure was now more flying than floating, with a cape flapping in the wind behind him (You know, like Superman, or Dracula). Willard said that all he could see was the figure rapidly approaching with glowing red eyes and shining white fangs. He could hear a distinct growl, as the figure got closer. He froze in his tracks. He could not run, or even scream. He was doomed! Willard said the only thing that saved him was the bottle of liquor in his hand. When he put his hands up to block the attack, the monster’s fangs struck the glass instead of his flesh. This confused the creature long enough to allow Willard to run to his car, fumble with his keys (notice that he did not drop the bottle of liquor), finally get in, start the car, and peal off, escaping in a cloud of smoke from tire burnout. He said that ever since then he keeps a wooden stake in his car and paints a gold cross on his chest when he goes out at night. He even sometimes wears a garlic necklace. Now, why my mother hung out with him I can’t say. Stephen and I never knew where my mom met these guys, or what the criteria was for them to become someone to be allowed into The House. Maybe it was because he was fun, or they drank the same kind of liquor, or maybe because they were both a little bit of the same kind of crazy. I thought he was ok until that one day.

My mother was in the bathroom and Willard was standing outside the bathroom waiting for mom to come out. I was trying to walk past him to get to the front of the house and, eventually, go out the front door. Well, he kept blocking my path. But, the mistake he made was to reach for and grab me. He pulled me toward him and, much to his surprise; I lifted my knee and caught him squarely in the groin. I imagine his face looked much like the vampire’s did when he bit bottle instead of neck. When my knee hit home he said ohh, like when you unexpectedly get the wind knocked out of you. He crumpled and fell to the floor. There he lay in the fetal position, gasping for air, looking like a fish out of water. I stood over him for a second. It was then that my mother came out of the bathroom. She asked me what was wrong with him. I said “I don’t know, ask him.” I shrugged my shoulders, stepped over him, and continued on my path. I don’t know what they said to each other, but I never heard anything about it. I do not remember him being around after that. So much for the rat man.