Spot the Narcissist: 6 Signs You Might Be Dating a Narcissist

I didn’t know I was dating a narcissist until we broke up and a friend suggested it to me. As soon as she did and I began researching it, it was clear as could be. The signs were so obvious that I had to question how I had missed them for the two years that we were together.

The truth is, narcissists are slick. They’re smooth talkers, able to smile and wink and sweep you off your feet in a romance that feels like a fairy tale. By the time you realize it’s not all wine and roses, it’s too late. You’re already sucked in, thinking you’re in love and have found your soulmate, your dream lover, your happy ever after.

But if you can learn what to look for, you can spot a narcissist before you get drawn into their trap. You can put the brakes on and avoid getting lured in.

Look for these seven signs that you might be dating a narcissist.

Moving very fast in the relationship

Saying I love you on day two or week two. Wanting to move in together after just a month. Pushing for engagement when your dates barely number in the double digits.

Narcissists want to lock you down. They want to know you’re a sure thing. What better way to do that than to get you legally committed to them — or at least unable to get a whole lot of space away from them to think?

The high of a whirlwind romance is part of the charm. You feel like a fairy tale princess (or prince) being swept off your feet. But while you’re busy dreaming of a beautiful, loving future, they’re just trying to chain you up so they know they have an endless supply.

Talking about old flames a lot

A lot of people might talk about exes. Particularly if you share kids with someone or had a very long relationship, you might still talk about them from time to time. But narcissists talk about their exes a lot. What might be more noticeable than the amount is the way they talk about the exes.

While you or I might mention our ex because we share kids with them or were married to them for 10 years, and we are able to acknowledge both their good and bad, the narcissist will go one of two ways:

· Trash the ex as if there are no redeeming qualities to them whatsoever

· Put the ex on a pedestal as if there is no one else on earth who matches up

Why does this matter? Two reasons, depending on which of these they do.

If they trash the ex, it’s a sign that once you’re no longer doing what they want, you’ll be added to the list of “irredeemables.”

But if they put the ex on a pedestal, they’re likely manipulating you. By making the ex sound so great, they’re trying to make you jealous. And if you get jealous, and if you’re insecure enough, you’ll go out of your way to try to be everything they want — which is exactly what they want.

You’re always the one to reach out after a fight

You might know they’re the one in the wrong, but you still send the first text or make the first phone call. You’re the one who says, “I’m sorry,” even when you know that it’s not your fault.

Narcissists will never admit they’re wrong. They won’t say they’re sorry, even if others can clearly see that it is, in fact, the narcissist’s fault.

No matter what you argue about, no matter who starts it or how it starts, you will always be the one trying to reopen the lines of communication after an argument with a narcissist. And if they’re good enough at their manipulation and control tactics, you won’t even question it. You won’t even realize that you’re the one apologizing when they’re the ones who did something wrong.

And if you do get an apology from a narcissist? Pay attention to the wording. Those who think they’ve gotten an apology from a narcissist often failed to notice that it wasn’t a true apology. It’s usually more of a, “I’m sorry you couldn’t deal with what happened” than a sincere, “I’m sorry I did that.”

Many, if not most, of their friends are of the opposite gender

First, friends of the opposite gender is not necessarily a red flag. Plenty of people have lots of friends of the opposite gender. For some people, most of their friends might be the opposite gender. The key here is in the fact that the friends all like the narcissist — they like like the narcissist. And the narcissist pretends to have no idea.

You’ll notice this in things like the way the friend talks to the narcissist, in pictures of the narcissist with the friend, and in gifts the friend gives the narcissist. You’ll clearly see that the friend likes the narcissist as much more than just a friend.

But if you bring it up to the narcissist, they’ll look at you with wide, innocent eyes and act surprised. Their friend likes them as more than a friend? Are you sure? Maybe you just misread the signs.

Trust me, they know the friend likes them that way. They know, and it’s the whole reason that friend is kept around. They need supply. They need backup supply in case their main supply — you — dries up. So they constantly have “friends” that they can turn to at a moment’s notice, drop some attention and express some interest, and boom — the friend gives them all the supply they need.

Intimacy & affection are only on their terms (if at all)

Whether you’re counting the days, weeks or months since you last had sex or merely trying to remember when the last time you held hands, kissed, or even brushed up against each other in the hallway, intimacy and affection are done on their terms only and often with lots of time in between.

Intimacy and affection, and particularly sex, might feel real in the moment. But when it’s over, you’ll often feel more disconnected from them than ever. You might even crave the sex or affection in an attempt to connect with them, to feel close to them — which is all the more reason they’ll withhold it from you. They know that it gives them power over you, and they’ll use it to their advantage.

You might even notice at times that it seems like they “gift” you with intimacy and affection when you do what they want, and “punish” you by withholding it if you displease them. If you confront them about it, they’ll gaslight you and make you think you’re crazy. Trust me — if you noticed it, it happened. You’re not crazy.

Making decisions for you

It starts out as deciding what you’ll order for dinner. Romantic, right? But this tends to escalate quickly from there. They start deciding where you’ll eat every time you go out. They decide what movies you’ll see, and the other activities you’ll do together. You might not even notice what they’re doing at first.

But there will come a day when you realize every movie you’ve seen for several months or years has been one they chose. Or that you’ve been craving that Mexican restaurant’s salsa, but your partner will only take you to that Texas-style steakhouse.

When it gets really deep, they’ll make decisions for you about things that don’t even concern them. You might even reach a point where they don’t have to make the decision for you — you’ll automatically start thinking, “What would ‘narcissist’ want me to do?”

And then they know they have you. You’re theirs without any worry anymore.

Don’t let yourself be fooled. A narcissist will tell you that you’re imagining any, or all, of these signs. It’s called gaslighting, and it’s meant to make you think you’re imagining things. But you’re not. If you see these signs, you should run as far and fast as you can. Trust me, you won’t regret it.