Sounds of Peace

Where is self-expression contained?

The importance of self-expression as an innate human characteristic has been a subject of continued discussion for many years. This idea of self-expression is more crucial to our existence than first realized. Innovation & progress require a significant degree of creativity & free thinking. Limitations placed on exploitative minds not only affect progress but mental health and other unseen issues. Even more frightening is the exploitation of creative potential for profit and war-related goods. Imagine being full of so much promise & ability without being able to express it. Imprisonment of the soul causes devastating results that only through breaking the chains of adversity will one flourish. Revisited repeatedly, regardless of conscious decision to do so, is self-expression, which remains a significant element for happiness & inner peace.

There seems to be a forfeiture of specific values crucial to humanity’s happiness. Has our modern commercial culture stripped away these values that seemed much more prolific in the past? Where were these values extinguished, perhaps long ago? Asking the question to various individuals; what do you find value in?— asked to myself & others produced answers based on an individual passion. "I want to paint"—"I want to play music"—"I want to program video games." Each unique passion has one generalizing quality; "I want to create!" or self-expression. When asking another question; what do you do now?— the answers were again similar. "I work at a grocery store"—"I clean windows"—"I program but for an insurance company" (or whatever job it may be). Again different answers had a generalizing quality— the fact that one is producing something for someone else. These latter folks seemed less satisfied with their lives which is understandable. It's often considered a child's dream to desire an artistic/creative path. Perhaps one may think that to work for the good of society is crucial regardless of their own happiness. I’d argue both are possible without having to step on each other’s toes. Self-expression does not necessarily mean traditional art or music, though arguably, these practices are beneficial for psychological facilities. All of humankind, from toolmakers to astrophysicists, are the embodiment of artistic potential. Security and manufacturing goods for the larger society are now valued above all else, stripping us of our innate human quality to make the internal-external; the true essence of self-expression.

Thus far, what has been expressed may seem like conspiracy jargon or abstract, immeasurable concepts that could be throw to the side as nonsensical ramblings. On the contrary, these ideas have been discussed by sociologists, psychologists, and anthropologists for decades as a significant contributing factor to a multitude of issues within our society. Creative minds have been indirectly influenced to produce technology for war efforts rather than progress. These efforts are supported by a large portion of the society, highlighting the fact that true progress holds no value to the majority. While this particular issue is not the topic of discussion in this essay, I could argue that fear, greed, and lack of education drive this prevention of progress. All I can do is talk about my own experiences, which I hope will provide some value to the arguments and of course, entertain the reader.

Discussed further will be how self-expression was both sought out then lost along a perilous journey toward true happiness. The power of substance extinguished this drive over time, only to be returned in later years after realizing this missed potential.

Development & extinguishment of purpose

As a teenager, around the age of twelve or thirteen, a spark of interest toward music & art developed. Interest turned to passion and passion to purpose. With purpose then came pain and pain, a beautiful body of work that can be held with pride & humility. The body of work remains minor and amateur for now but will grow through more experience and effort. Nothing superficial can be distinguished as to why this passion developed besides observing this unique undefinable quality that seemed beyond typical human character. Through my current lens of perspective, these characteristics are all too human. As mentioned, these interests have been classified as being innate to our species. These unique attributes of what makes a creative individual have only recently been discovered as I now see these qualities developing in myself. 

Simultaneously, this spark of interest seemed to manifest itself when experimenting with substances such as cannabis, tobacco, alcohol, stimulants, etc.— really anything that could alter my reality. Much of my own personally began to form around creative attributes that surrounded anti-society values/rebellion. Both music and drugs seem to be attributed to all that society deems wrong, making the appeal even more desirable. As most of us know by now, many of these artists are not just famous for their music but the messages and lifestyle involved in their entire character. A lifestyle that is attached seems appealing to many—im not necessarily referring to the fame and fortune but rather the self-destructive lifestyle associated with creativity. It’s only until this point in my life where I understand the appeal of this destructive lifestyle. It’s only now where the term self-destructive should now be replaced with externally destructive once the consequences have been set before me. Of course, all of the consequences were not visible immediately. Expressive souls are beautiful, but a destructive lifestyle isn’t required. Perhaps we didn’t have a choice, but I’d like to think that pain was necessary. Certain forces may have been at work that indirectly influenced us in that direction.

During my moments of intoxication & living sky-high, which was most of the time, I began to dabble in various art forms. Drawing, painting, making jewelry, but most importantly was playing guitar. Music fascinated me, but the guitar seemed to have some magical qualities. Either acoustic or electric, it didn't matter—I just wanted to play. 

The journey began with a few simple tunes from my favorite bands; Pink Floyd, Metallica, Rolling Stones, etc. Unfortunately, though I loved to play, substance became my absolute passion. It wasn't long until my values shifted. The guitar started collecting dust while I was off to get high or drunk. An even more despairing fact is that I didn't notice until recently how easily I gave this passion up. Was it even a passion to begin with, being that I just threw it aside so easily? Little pieces of my soul were lost over the years where now music is used as the tool to retrieve them. Not all that was lost can be found.

Over time my substance abuse progressed as I drifted further and further from my own nature. I missed a significant amount of school, resulting in being sent to a military academy during my second year of high school. Grateful for the experience now my priorities changed during that time. Exercise became more of a passion, where music was almost entirely placed on the back burner. At this point, my love for music was almost completely forgotten. A little piece of me was still missing without music. Physical training still couldn't fill the void that music once could. 
I felt it necessary to mention this phase of my life because I was sober for the most part. Regardless there was still a chase for something unsatisfactory.

A turning point

Several years ago, a series of psychedelic experiences unconsciously reintroduced the desire to play music again. Some of these experiences took place in foreign countries, which perhaps increased the experiences' profoundness. Having been "rehabilitated" into a "proper" functioning member of society, self-expression was now regarded as non-vital to my existence. Indeed I was waiting to emerge spectacularly— and spectacularly, I emerged years later. By no means will I attribute negative qualities to all substances. In later articles, I’ll discuss the use of psychedelic plants and other psychoactive drugs. All things have both positive negative attributes. What determines adverse outcomes is the motive behind the use of the substance as well as the frequency, amount, and of course, the type.

After an LSD experience, there was an intrinsic desire to purchase another guitar. It was like the psychedelic experience reminded me of who I once was. It brought this sort of youthful energy and nostalgia back to me. I felt like a happy kid again. There was no need to question this desire. The next day I purchased a guitar, and almost every day since, I've been playing again. 

During these experiences, a devil still stood on both shoulders, directing me toward unending despair. This devil was alcohol. Alcohol has been my newfound love for several years at this point. Social interactions were fueled by ethanol resulting in a more developed dependency. Anger, lust, greed, and desperation all began to take hold as driving anti-values. Alcohol is a fuel for self-destruction where the desire is the flame. Not only was a dangerous lifestyle developed, but alcohol became my creative fuel. There always had to be a beer opened and ready to drink while playing or writing music. No booze meant no tunes—if the liquor stores closed, so did my soul. 

Eight years later, it almost seems I'm finally coming out of a daze—a long period of fractured memories & burnt bridges. How could one drink their way through nearly a decade? Periods of sobriety now feel as if my best friend is gone. What then resulted from this despairing feeling was a void, one in which nothing but music could fill. Strangely, it now feels like the first time picking up my guitar as if I were a teenager again. Playing through the basic chords and scales gives me an almost immediate sense of peace & satisfaction. No expectations are placed on what needs to be played, but I still strive to become a better player. No pressure, no superficial goals, no hatred—only love and my guitar. 


Picking up the pieces

Now, since a period of sobriety for several months, various activities have been recommended to me. None have given me the same satisfaction as playing music. Having the ability to take pain & trauma and personify its raw beauty has brought a sense of joy to a damaged soul. While the pieces of what was "lost" are still being found, new ones are being picked up in the process. 

My current practice is picking a certain amount of time to sit down, just me and my guitar, and play. Usually, I will play through some songs I've learned or start learning a new one. I have written several songs, several of which are based on addiction & other experiences discussed in this writing. Lately, I've been trying to take a more disciplined approach to practice, going through exercises, scales, and reading about music theory. As this story suggests, I don't want to make playing music feel like a job. With that being said, challenging myself to play a more complex piece is also part of the passion—I don't want to stress over it, though, so I keep it as casual as possible. 

After wondering what qualities existed in those individuals I found so fascinating at a young age, those qualities now somewhat exist in myself. Yet again, a question remains: did I put myself through the wringer, or was this path inevitable. Another philosophical question that's been asked for many millennia—fate versus free will. Do we have control over our destiny? Having lived hard, fast, and with a sense of disorganized purpose, I now feel it necessary to write about these experiences. A messy stream of colors was left behind that eventually turned black— trying to turn around and chase after old experiences made it harder to accept that there's nothing there— going a million miles an hour, slamming on the breaks, stopping everything at once, and causing a shock of realization that was inevitably recognized as destructive. 

We are mortal, but mortality is what makes life worth living. We are not beyond our limitations, even though we can see past them. We place humanity on a pedestal believing that we are immortal or beyond nature. Controlling nature has brought forth our destruction and continues to be our downfall. To the optimist, this claim may seem absurd. In reality, we must understand our capabilities & limitations, which are vital to our progress as a species. While some of this may seem over the top regarding the rest of the story's content, this all is applicable. During my journey, I forgot what it meant to be human. Striving for things outside of my control brought nothing but unfulfilled expectations. Keep a sound and sober mind; one's nature will be fulfilled if patience & virtue are maintained. 

A reshaping

From my teenaged years to only very recently, addiction has dominated my existence. The older I got, the more I realized that substance is one of the most significant factors that perpetuates a multitude of issues in our modern commercial society. An epidemic of addiction I like to term “soul-sickness” has swept over many lives. Initially, I asked why, but it only makes sense. Many may use to deal with trauma. For myself, I wanted to fill a void; perhaps one put there from a series of events. There was an inability to express my inner being externally. After being connected with my creative potential, the desire to use substances began to fade. Of course, I’m not perfect. The demon bellows, with an appeal so magnificent. The mind tends only to want to remember when the substance gave me a sense of relief. It takes a conscious effort to remember the consequences so that they are not repeated.

“Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even in their blunders.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Our society seems to require individuals to produce, but production leaves a void of value obtainment. Substances such as alcohol and nicotine are readily available, which "help" individuals fill this void giving the 'illusion of reward.' Working a 9-5 job can certainly be draining. Perhaps the job may leave one feeling hopeless or without purpose if it's something one is not passionate about. Often I wouldn’t say I like giving advice because I know nothing more than anyone else; no one does. I will say this; Do what you love! Don't pick up the bottle, a joint, or a needle; pick up a pencil and draw, or a harmonica and play some tunes! Use this quality to your advantage. Remember that human beings have this innate quality for self-expression that allows for the externalization of the internal, making us unique (not better) as a species.

Many may say, "it's a waste of time to create." They are the ones who have been steered away from their true potential, not you who desire something so beautiful and intrinsic. Remember that this desire is natural. The desire to use a substance is also natural, but it only leads toward despair, while creation leads to spiritual & philosophical growth.

I stopped comparing myself or looking up to those with material wealth. Now I seek guidance from those with spiritual & philosophical wealth, a wealth that only those with those values or who seek to obtain those values can see too. In my experience and through observations, the best among us occupy our time creatively. Time is all we have of true value. Whether it's for a hobby or to make a living is irrelevant as long as one can find inner peace. 

Understanding addiction has shown me that it's a progressive disorder that can be treated if specific actions change the habits. Human beings are habitual creatures. While it may cause a shock at first by changing a routine, a new healthier one can be developed. Emphasized here is the word "treated"; there is no "cure." A "cure" in the context of addiction is regarding passion, whatever it may be, filling the void left from no longer having that 'illusionary friend' there anymore. Substance isn't your friend. Friends don't leave you to die, cold and alone. They pick you up when you're down, walk hand in hand with you toward a better purpose, and grow alongside you through both adversities to success. Building a relationship with music has reintroduced purpose into my life. Music also connects me with the other aspects of my life in both my anthropological studies & philosophy. I hope to share that with others who may be struggling.

To tie up loose ends, let’s return to that ideas for a moment discussed in the first section. With our modern society, we’ve lost a certain degree of value. It seems certain substances have given some individuals this perception that they are achieving satisfaction. A concept known as instant gratification versus delayed gratification can be applied in this context. Whatever it may be, work toward a goal, and the result will produce longer-lasting, more profitable (spiritually and philosophical) results. Of course, substances will bring this illusion of reward, but it’s only that, an illusion.

Final thoughts & notes

Note: It's only in the past few years that these psychological issues have been taken seriously. Only physical health was of concern to health care professionals where the unseen mental faculties were regarded as non-existent or at least non-important if the behaviors were not destructive to society. Moving out of the age of behaviorists, I hope to see psychology steer further away from the disease model and more toward understanding these faculties for what they are. 

Note: Just a final note regarding the psychedelic experiences mentioned earlier. I am by no means suggesting the use of any substance. Any illicit substance can be abused regardless of the possible realizations that can manifest from use. What I will say is I don't know why I sought out these substances. Perhaps I thought that it would be a shortcut to spiritual enlightenment. There is no shortcut for anything in this life.