Sincerely, a lonely flame.

No matter which way this was gonna go, my mind was at ease, because I know you’ll be okay. You may never chose me, but I will always chose you. Even if I have to play the bestfriend role, for you, I’ll win oscars. Even though I wanted to be a singer, I’ll be an actor for you. Deep down, I know damn well that’s not the script I want to read. But I don’t care what I want, my heart tells me to do what you want, what you need. I’ll do my best to make you feel safe the only way I know how. I always felt like this was going to be a one way street, but my heart told me to keep walking down that road no matter how far away I watch you disappear into the horizon. I’ll walk behind you and admire your growth from a distance. Whatever it is, I’ll do it. As long as you’re okay. I say all this with as much compassion as my soul will allow.

I’m sorry if I come off as too much.

Also... We both know that, you said words that didn’t ring truth. I would like to believe it, but... No. How incredibly beautiful, and dammed is this? I’ve been burned in love but somehow this feels so much more atomic. When you aren’t in my life I feel smaller than a spec of dust in the cosmos. Then when you are in my life, it’s like I expand to the size of the sun, and I gravitate all the goodness in the universe towards me but I only wanted it if you noticed. You envelop me in such happiness like a hopeless romantic, I can’t stop beaming even if I were to be in a storm with no umbrella.

The truth is, I know you never loved me the way I did love you. So I pushed my feelings right down to a platonic level. As I wrote this, my eyes moistened and two lonely water droplets fell... but I’m okay now because, we’re still friends. With that being said, I will stop being selfish from now on, I won’t push the envelope ever again, I need to start realizing how much of a gift it is to even be here. You consider me like family, if that’s what you want then I’ll take it.

Man, I really need to manifest a different ending to my life’s story, because I dreamt about how things could have been, (a lovers kryptonite, ahh I am hopeless, hahah) it was magically doomed to forever be a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I would think, if only I had the chance to grow up with you the way I hoped to. Maybe things would have been different. You don’t know any of this, and I’m sorry for putting it all out there. But you know how I have to say these things out loud. That’s how I let it leave me, I really want to make peace with it and move on.

Until now, I never forgave my mom for taking me away from the happiest time of my life. Nothing was ever kind or concrete where I grew up. That’s why I don’t think you fully understand what it meant to me to have a look at what love is supposed to be. To have had those moments with you as kid. They meant everything to me. But that’s also not fair for me to expect more from you just because it meant more to me. That day... after I told you I was leaving, I turned around and let your hand go, I ran so fast! But it wasn’t the wind drying out my eyes creating all those tears that blinded me, it the first real heart break I ever felt.

I had to let you go and you probably forgot all about me.

Fast forward from that moment, as luck would have it, we met again after almost 20 years. Me leaving a place of such trauma and terror, I had serious issues that I had to grow from. Whereas you grew up in love and protection. I had children from failed relationships, while you had a long term high school sweetheart. The more I think about it the more I know we were not meant to be, or it would have happened, however I do feel like we were meant to be apart of each other’s lives. We shared insight with each other and it helped us mould into better people.

That’s something I’ll never take for granted.

The day we seen each other for the first time in over a decade, I felt this overly invigorating wave of life crash down and crush me. Instead of trying to reach for air, I let it absorb me. Little did I know I was about to drown. That’s my fault though, not yours. You’ve done nothing wrong, I will never be angry at your choices, nor do I have the right to. Its your life, live it in whatever way makes you happy.

In the end, that will make me happy.

As close to you as I am, I still feel so far away. In any case, I’d rather stay here in limbo forever, cause lets just be real, it won’t go well if I were to speak up, I know that better than you. Once upon a time, I had hope, but that is no longer. On a realer note, the thought of never having you in my presence is more devastating than being told you don’t feel the same. So my lips are sealed.

Without a doubt I played off the words you said, “one day I just might have to marry you...”. My heart fluttered. I couldn’t speak. Then I stopped myself, because I know better than to believe someone whose feeling bubbly from liquid courage, at the same time you were heart broken already.

It’s not fair of me to think anything of it. And I won’t do that to you.

Even when youre with another, I come to your aid, like I always do, like I always will. When another breaks your heart, I want to break theirs too. Because to me, you’re someone that needs to be protected, always. Not a lot of people see the real and vulnerable you, but you let me see that part of you.

And I cherish that.

Unfortunately, I feel conflicting at times... when I said “I want to protect you always”. The reason I feel conflicted is... I’m the reason for you leaving, I don’t know how you ever forgave me either. I can’t even forgive myself. The moment I said those words, I ran to my room and cried all day, and all night. I couldn’t eat. Every time I closed my eyes, your face flashed through my mind, your smile stained my memory. The time you cried in my arms replayed and I felt destroyed because I know I caused you pain.

I betrayed you.

But to be fair, you betrayed me too.

You didn’t believe me, in a time I needed you the most, I hate to mention this part but you made me fear you. I was so scared of what you could do with your anger. At the same time I still wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you’re a good hearted person. And so for that, I will always make it a point to make sure you’re okay, maybe not financially, I wish I could. But listen, you know the time you were so sick, I was so afraid. After we left I called my mom and cried to her and begged her to make you medicine to save you!

I’ve never done that for anyone.

I’ll never hold that over your head, not now, not ever, I just want you to know that I had to do it... because I couldn’t imagine losing you again. A world without you would feel emptier than dark space. Your spirit is a lot more beautiful than you know. As an empath it rubs off on me, and maybe that’s why I love being around you or talking to you.

You’re lucky... You’ll never comprehend how it feels to have such heart break from someone you never touched intimately. It’s an odd experience, but as real as any other. Back to that situation, I honestly appreciate you coming to apologize to me after the entire ordeal. I guess you did know how much it hurt me, and that’s why you called me to tell me you’re sorry... even still, what hurt the most is, I thought you’d know the difference between a good person and someone who only says they are for popular points.

But hey, “nothing heals the past like time.” - Dean Lewis.

I knew instantaneously that if this moment ever happened that I was going to forgive you. It was obvious to me that you didn’t know the truth yet, I couldn’t expect you to believe me when he was such a good liar. So I let the truths handle it for me. I knew it was just a matter of time before I was going to win. Still, I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for that moment happen. I finally was able to relax when you called...

A lot has changed since the day we reintroduced ourselves after almost 2 decades. I’ve grown and so have you. That’s why I feel so strongly towards what I just wrote. Every word I wrote was written with every fibre of my body. I’m passionate about every experience, every moment, every sunrise and every sunset. With each trip around the sun and each moon cycle, I become more and more aware of my ability to be great, to be kind, to be selfless, to be forgiving, to love with and without attachments.

Partial to that is because of you.

To finish, I want to give my good graces to you for being my teacher, I hope you know that you helped me evolve. I always had hoped that we were meant to be together, but I suppose that’s not what the universe had in plan. But I’m happy with the outcome. No matter what it entails, as long as you’re apart of it.

Thank you.

Sincerely, a lonely flame.