Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas.....

I have never been a woman with very many regrets in life, until now. With the Pandemic and Civil unrest, I have not been confident with anything or any decisions I have made lately. I guess I could contribute it to too much alone time. Too much time to think, too much time to miss things and people that I shouldn’t. I went online and Googled how to relax and meditate as I heard this is one way to make it through the Pandemic without pulling out all of your hair or committing a heinous crime.

Just as I am sitting in deep thought and finally able to relax, my phone vibrates. I am not in the mood for anyone’s drama or bad energy, so I decide to let the phone call go to voicemail without viewing my caller id. After 7 back-to-back phone calls and irritating vibration noises, I pick up the phone to see who is interrupting my Peace and Tranquility.

Irritation turned into concern once I saw the phone calls were all coming from my father’s phone number. He never calls back-to-back, so I immediately knew something was wrong. I took a big deep breath and picked up the phone to return my dad’s call. I could tell from the tone of his voice that something was wrong.

“It’s your grandpa!” I just spoke to grandpa the day before as we were planning our fishing trip next month. We laughed and both were excited as this fishing trip was long overdue. I always told my grandpa and Uncle Frank that I wanted to accompany them on their fishing trips. I never made time until now. I guess the fact that the world has shutdown made it easy to make time for my uncle and grandpa.

I didn’t realize that my father and I both were sitting on the phone in complete silence for what seemed like minutes. “Daddy, what do you mean it is Grandpa?” My dad continued to sit in silence and then I heard him whisper, “Open the door.” I ran downstairs and immediately opened my front door. I was shocked to see so many of my family members. Our family reunion was cancelled due to COVID-19, so I was confused why so many of my family members were masked up and at my door.

This is not social distancing, and everyone knows how important precautions are to me. Precautions went out the door when I saw the stress on my father’s face. I immediately hugged him and then looked at his puffy red eyes and asked where grandpa was…everyone was quiet and staring at me as if I was caught committing a crime.

Everyone stayed outside except my father and uncle; they followed me into the house. Before we made it all the way in, I started screaming, “No! No! No! My grandpa is dead, that is why everyone is here, what happened, how could you let him die?!” Something came over me and I felt the absence of my grandfather, as we were awfully close; I was told for years I was always his favorite grandchild.

Dad looked into my hazel eyes and said, “Yes…” I could tell he wanted to say more, but he could not muster any more words. At that point, my uncle took over the conversation as he grabbed my hands and looked me in my eyes to tell me that Grandpa passed away. I had a million and one questions like how, when, why and are you sure?

“We won’t know the cause of death until the autopsy, but they think it was a heart attack! I went over to his house so we could grab breakfast and talk about our next fishing trip. I rang the doorbell several times and there wasn’t an answer. I waited several minutes and called his cell phone and heard it ring inside of the house. I felt something was wrong, so I called your dad and talked to him until I used my keys to go inside. I went into his bedroom and he was in the bed. I went to touch him, and he was stiff and cold. I called 911, and here we are.”

My legs gave out and I was about to fall, but my father and uncle caught me and put me on the couch. As we sat on the couch, we hugged and cried for what seemed like hours. “I just spoke to Grandpa yesterday morning and he sounded fine. He was extremely excited when I told him that my new fishing gear arrived. We laughed and talked for over an hour. I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with him.”

My dad hugged me tightly as we both take in the fact that our family has lost our patriarch. We were all shocked by this tremendous loss of our family member. My dad had to meet with my grandma and figure out the best way to let grandpa’s church members know about his passing. Grandpa was loved by more than just his family, he pastored his church family for over 50 years. I wanted to sit and hold my dad forever, but I knew other people had to be informed and other protocols had to take place, so we said our goodbyes.

A few days later I decided to drive to the lake. This was not planned, but I felt like I needed to go and be one with nature. I woke up and put on a sweatshirt, a baseball hat, brushed my teeth and walked out of the door. I had a lot of the fishing supplies in the car as I was supposed to visit my grandpa this weekend to get his approval, as he is…was, an avid fisherman. I could hear his voice so clearly, “You got’s to have the right gear baby girl or the fish won’t bite!”

I was sitting at the lake on the dock and staring into the water. Until now I never had any “Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas”, but today I was feeling it and I started to cry. I was always too busy to go fishing with my grandpa. I should have made more time for him. If I had known he was going to die, I would have made the time for him. When I think about it, I could have made the time for him.

Just as I was in deep thought I heard someone call my name. I was confused because the voice didn’t sound like my Grandpa, so I was convinced it was God. I continued to meditate and think about how much I already missed my grandfather. I was then startled by a tap on my shoulder accompanied by a man saying my name. I jumped up and looked at the familiar face. I was startled, confused and wondered if I was dreaming. I looked up and said, “Quinton?”

He said, “I thought that was you! How have you been?” He had on a face mask, but I still knew his familiar build, smell, and face. I wiped my eyes and greeted the man that was supposed to be my husband. I whispered, “Hey, what are you doing here?” He almost looked as depleted as I did but seemed to brighten up a little when he saw me. “Your dad called me. I am so sorry for your loss! I wanted to call you, but I wanted to clear my head first….” I could tell he wanted to say more, but he couldn’t find the words to say.

Tears violently started streaming down my face. I started thinking about the “Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas” with grandpa again…and now with Quinton. My career took off during our relationship and I couldn’t be the woman that Quinton needed at the time. I didn’t have the time to devote to him and my career; in the end my career won. I loved Quinton more than life itself, but no relationship is guaranteed. My grandpa loved Quinton as well, and would tell me, “Don’t work so much that you die an old lonely cat lady!”

Quinton grabbed and held me tight as we shared a very intimate moment. The intimacy that can only occur between two people with an extraordinarily strong connection and bond. As we reluctantly let each other go, he told me he would be right back and disappeared towards the parking lot. As he walked away, I wondered were these suppressed feelings real or were they present because I was super vulnerable right now. As Quinton walked back towards my direction, I started crying again. I saw several items that looked familiar to me and that brought back an array of memories.

“Quinton, did you plan this? Wait, I never told anyone I was coming here today.” Quinton had tears in his eyes as he walked towards me and said, “No, this was not planned. I woke up this morning and my heart felt empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I prayed and asked God for direction and he led me here. I missed you a lot. Matter of fact, I missed you so much that I called your grandpa a few months back to check on him and the two of us went fishing.”

I was so confused because grandpa never mentioned any of this to me. “You missed me, but you reached out to my grandpa. Make that make sense for me, please.” We both laughed and Quinton said, “You always were a smart ass, but I loved it. Your Uncle Frank and Grandpa invited me to go fishing with you guys next month. We had something really special planned.”

I always knew that my family loved Quinton, but I had no idea he was still in communication with them. “So, wait, you knew about the fishing trip?” Quinton filled me in on the entire plan as I sat there with my mouth wide open from shock. Quinton told me that he came to the lake today to clear his head. In his hands were a blanket from our first picnic and a bottle of Mojave Rain; my grandpa’s favorite wine.

“I remember when you first introduced this wine to me on our first date. You told me it was your grandpa’s favorite wine, and it quickly became mine too. Once I tasted that Dark Chocolate finish, I knew you and your Grandpa were both people with exquisite taste.”

Quinton grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes and said, “I think your grandpa may be one of my Guardian Angels. I had no idea you would be here today, but I am so happy that you are here. I said a prayer today and it was answered. I was unfair to you in our relationship before. I was not patient with you and put demands on you that weren’t fair. For that, I am extremely sorry. I would like a chance to get to know and appreciate the new you. I brought this bottle of wine out here to pour out in remembrance of Grandpa, but I would also love to cheers to a New You, a New Me, a New us.”

I was shocked but needed the comfort of this man to help get me through the loss of my Grandpa. I passionately kissed him and grabbed the bottle of Merlot and poured out some for Grandpa and said, “This is for grandpa!” I then took a swig of the Mojave Rain and handed it to Quinton to reciprocate and said, “This is for the new you, the new me, the new us. To our second first date!” I then took the bottle and drank the remaining wine as Quinton sat and smiled at me. I thought to myself, No more “Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas!”