Shattering The Pedestal

We have constantly been fed the myth that our parents will strive to do what is best for us, that they have our wellbeing as their priority. But what if this is a lie to make parents less accountable for their more destructive actions? This gives them an excuse to claim "I was trying my best, I only wanted to do what was best for you!" and to then be expected to be forgiven because it was in our best interest.

No one is immune from having social norms and expectations affect their morals and beliefs, but to what extent is entirely up to each individual. Educating oneself on what is or isn't acceptable is the responsibility of each individual person. So what happens when our parents don't educate themselves and remain ignorant and biased? The answer is, the children suffer.

Do not get me wrong, I am by no means a perfect parent, but I most certainly am an unconventional parent. I have tried damn hard not to let my prejudices and skewed points of view influence those of both my daughters. This has meant that I have had to kill old outdated beliefs that I once held, and rebuild them with new improved versions - definitely no easy feat but totally worth it if you put in the time, effort and energy.

Both my parents came from a blue-collar (working class) background, and I will allow that some of their prejudices came from that social standing. However, that was over 50 years ago and times have changed immensely. It is natural for those born with little to strive for more, but at what cost?

Throughout high school, I was, for the most part, a straight-A student. I studied and worked hard because I had a huge fear of not being good enough and an even larger fear of letting my parents down. They constantly praised me for being ambitious and studious, and I knew my excellent results made them happy. I never questioned myself as to why this was so important.

My father repeatedly told me that if I did not go to school and do well, that I would amount to nothing. It was near demanded that I go to university and study for a stable career that would provide money and benefits. Being young and naive, I trusted my father, believing he was telling me the truth. I had, like most children, placed my father upon a pedestal, he was my hero, and he could do no wrong. This was my biggest mistake.

What I didn't know then but do now, is that he wasn't doing this for me, he was doing it for himself. Because he had not achieved what he wanted in life, he placed that burden on my shoulders and expected me to carry it without defiance. He wanted to live his life vicariously through me.

Being a "good daughter" I did what was expected of me. I put aside my love of the creative arts and writing, to follow a path of science and maths. I squashed every fibre of my being that wanted to be an actor, painter, writer, or anything in the creative field, and instead followed the path that would make my father happy. In doing so, I lost my soul and happiness. I became a shell of the person I once was.

University was followed by getting married and having children, both things I had claimed to never want for myself. But it was expected of me. So it happened. Following the birth of my daughters, there was nothing left of the original me. I no longer knew who I was and I was completely broken. I was lost and I hated myself.

When did I realise my father had lied to me and my whole life was lived for someone else? The day my ex-husband told me he believed the act of homosexuality to be evil and that they would all be damned to hell. The moment he said that I had an epiphany. It was as if I was outside my life and looking in from a totally different perspective, and suddenly everything made sense. I told my ex-husband then and there that I wanted a divorce. I was living with a man who did not make me happy so that I could keep my father happy. Who does that to their child?

Totally as expected, my father told me I was making a huge mistake and that I should reconsider my actions. I told him to mind his own business and to stay out of mine. The rose-tinted glasses I had worn regarding my father had been removed. And that's when I realised how long I had been manipulated by his beliefs and views.

He had manipulated me into believing that I had to follow what he deemed as "good choices" for one reason - so that he could show me off. It all came down to the fact that he didn't want to be embarrassed when talking to other people about his eldest child. Now it's one thing to be proud of your child's achievements and share them with the world. It's a whole other issue to be too embarrassed to speak to others about your child because you don't agree with her choices. It was this revelation that smashed the pedestal.

I was nothing more than a possession that he could use as a tool for boasting to family and friends. And now his control over me had come to an end. Six years later and my father and I rarely talk. Maybe once or twice a year I will receive a phone call, and it usually doesn't go well. Even after all this time, his biases and prejudices have not changed.

He called me earlier this year and told me I had to stop my eldest daughter, his granddaughter, who is now nineteen, from posting "that homo crap on Facebook" (yes, his words). He told me that I needed to talk to her and tell her that it was not right. My reply? I told him that my daughter would be allowed to love whoever she chose, be it male or female and that I would not dictate to her what she could do with her heart. He hung up on me, and I am expecting that will be the last I hear from him. Do I feel sad? Definitely not. I don't want a man like that having any influence over the lives of my children.

I have replaced the expectations, morals, beliefs and views that he imposed on me, with my own, and he does not like that. I have changed. I have grown. I have found myself again. I am finally free to live the life I choose, not the life someone has chosen for me. I create, I write, I read, I paint, I garden, and not one of those will make me wealthy. These are my choices and I will live with them. But I honestly do not care. Finally, I am whole, I am happy, and I am at peace with myself. At the age of fifty, I have finally found my happy place.

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