Hidden Under A White Sheep

"You're not a normal mother!". I cannot tell you how many times I have heard my daughter's say this to me. Sometimes, it is said with gratitude and awe, other times with disappointment and disdain. What I can tell you, is I am not going to change anytime soon.

When I was a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to be "normal" and part of an accepted group, to fit in. Now, after more than half a century on this planet, I cannot think of anything worse. Being part of the social norm, of fitting in, is no longer an attractive prospect. To be honest, I have felt that way for a very, long time, but social expectations prevented me from expressing this to myself.

As a high school student, the typical goal is to be popular and liked. Since I was six foot tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed and attractive, you would have thought that I would have had it all, by falling into that category. Like many things in life, there was a catch. I was, in addition to being a straight "A" student, a tree-loving nerd who preferred to have her nose in a book or to spend my free time with my pets. This does not make ones-self (and one's image) conducive to being popular and included as part of the "in-group".

My reality was far from that. For more than 5 years, I was bullied, teased and taunted at high school, for being intelligent and studious. Never mind that I could turn heads with my looks - the fact that I was intelligent made me a target, resulting in me being labelled as "different and unacceptable" by social standards. I could be attractive, or I could be intelligent, but by social expectations, I could not be both. This made me an outsider, a lone wolf, someone different, to be avoided and shunned. Five years is a long time when you do not fit in.

Being shunned by your peers for something that is seen as attractive and desirable in the male population, is soul-crushing. Being young and naive, I did what society demanded, and tried to fit myself into my "socially labelled boxes, to make myself acceptable. Believe me, I got very good at it, even to the point of creating a new image for myself as a "bad girl" and party-goer. And surprise, surprise! I was suddenly acceptable.

How long did this last, you wonder? Until I had children, and everything changed. I realised I did not want my daughters to walk in my footsteps. I did not want them to be scared to use the intelligence, talents and skills that they had been gifted with, just because society deemed them as "unacceptable" for a female. I wanted my daughters to be strong women who would not be scared to embrace themselves as they were and to build a life that they loved, on their terms. Not on society's terms.

I started by removing the words "stupid" and "silly" from my descriptive vocabulary when describing my daughters, their actions, their decisions, their feelings, or anything that was described concerning them. I refused to allow anyone to call, label or remark that my children were "silly" or "stupid". I was adamant that my daughters would not be made to think of themselves as stupid or silly because society wanted to use those words to label them. How many times have you heard someone say to a child "that was a stupid or silly thing to do or say"? Yes, we have all heard it said. One day that child will start believing what has been said because that is what people keep telling them.

With my change of perspective, came raised eyebrows and questions. How could I possibly be a "good" parent if I didn't follow what was socially acceptable? I refused to be part of the "mommy" crowd at school, and I began to raise my daughter's to question everything, to accept themselves as they were, to love themselves, to be strong, independent women that are fully capable of being or doing anything they desired with their life path. My goal was to raise them to not "need" social (and peer) approval. Have I succeeded? All I can say is so far, so good, and I have no regrets.

People often ask me why I have this view on social standards and norms? The answer is because it's time for society to change, grow, learn, adapt and become better. Think about it - social norms, traditions, and accepted behaviours have been dictated and determined by dead people, for hundreds of years. We are letting dead people tell us how to live our lives. The problem with this is that society is no longer the same as when those people were living. What was once considered normal and acceptable, no longer applies. Traditions (social norms) are outdated and have not changed with the times. Why? Because people fear change.

I don't want to "fit in" with what society wants. I am happy being different and challenging the status quo. I want to push the boundaries and change traditions. I want my daughters to be able to forge a new path for themselves, as women who can be themselves, without fear of being labelled strange, different, unacceptable, weird, or wrong. Being forced to "fit in" with what society accepts and expects is soul-crushing at best - go to school, get top grades, go to university, get a 9-5 job, look pretty, get married, have kids, and before you know it, life is over and you have lost your soul to the grind. No thank-you.

Can you imagine how people must feel when they wake up each morning and are deemed "to not fit in" with social expectations? You are not accepted because you follow a different religious or spiritual path, you are not accepted because your skin is a colour other than white, you are not accepted because you are female instead of male, you are not accepted because you love someone who is of the same gender as you, you are not accepted because you are too intelligent, you are not accepted because you are too fat, too short, too tall, too skinny! And the list goes on. This social acceptance attitude is beyond ridiculous in this day and age. It is sad, and rather depressing, that we even allow such attitudes to exist in the 21st century. Why do humans struggle so much to accept something or someone different from themselves?

Instead, my advice is to follow your heart, do what makes you happy and brings you joy, don't listen to "old traditions" when choosing your life path. Make new paths that encourage people to accept themselves, and others, as they are. Be bold, be different, be strong. Try new things. Try different things. Love whoever you want. Don't try to fit in just to keep everyone else happy, because that will only make you miserable. Don't be the white sheep that follows the other's over the cliff - if one jumps, they all jump. Be the black sheep that says "stuff this - puts on her dancing gear, and goes to live life on her own terms". Her soul is still alive and happy.

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