Setting Boundaries

Boundaries, what a wonderful tool to implement into your life. Setting boundaries is the fundamental step in truly respecting and protecting yourself and your emotional worth. If there is one thing I would say to my past self it would be to set boundaries and quite frankly, I do wish I had done it sooner.

I have to give credit to my psychologist who helped me with this simple yet profound realisation. I spoke with her about how I always felt so mentally and emotionally drained after interactions with certain people or after doing certain things for/with other people. She kind of half sighed and slouched in her chair, and quickly grabbed a pen and piece of paper. She drew three circles within one another and said 'this is the three types of self we have, you need to be careful with who you let into these circles' - ah huh, it makes sense. If we let those who do not serve us or help us grow into our 'circles of self' then of course we will feel drained and exhausted after each interaction. It is ok to say no without explanation and it is ok to do things for ourselves without someone else's validation.

You have three versions of yourself that make up who you are as a person. There is the inner self, outer self and the self you choose to show other people. In order to honour these, you have to identify your core values (inner self), your social influences (outer self), and what you bring to the table for other people (the self you choose to show others). Then, on top of this, you need to look at the different types of boundaries. There is an abundant list of different types but for argument's sake, I will focus on emotional and mental boundaries - perhaps the most important kind. You would be right to say that this is a lot to take in and you would also be right to think that this is easier said than done. However, nothing worth doing is easy.

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious.

You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”

― Anna Taylor

Setting emotional and mental boundaries is the most powerful kind of self-care and self-preservation. This is where the art of saying no comes in to play. There was a period of time when I felt like I had to take responsibility for the feelings of others, I had to sacrifice my own needs to please others, or I would let how someone else felt dictate my mood. It's no wonder I was so exhausted all the time. When my mental health deteriorated rapidly mid-2018, I had to make the choice to prioritise my own well-being in order to regain a sense of my inner self. Along with medication and appointments with my psychologist/psychiatrist, I began to practice mindfulness and gratitude. I gained a new perspective of the world around me and I regained my sense of self. I finally realised the value in putting my needs first. Not everything that weighed me down was mine to carry. I started to say no without explanation, I stopped carrying problems that weren't mine, and I am completely done with people pleasing my way through life.

I invest my energy in things that fuel my fire. I let people know if they are overstepping. I don't seek validation or approval from anyone except myself. A simple way to visualise yourself setting a boundary is 'drawing a line in the sand'. You are within your power when you draw the line between what serves you and what doesn't. It is no easy feat. But, I want you to ask yourself; are the people around me serving me emotionally, mentally, spiritually? am I investing my energy wisely? am I putting my needs first? do I need to eliminate something from my life that exhausts me rather than vitalises me? do I say yes when I really mean no?

Be firm in what you accept and what you don't. Setting boundaries is the ultimate form of honouring yourself.