Self-Destructive Selflessness

I don't want to give up hope. I want to believe most people are good, but what even is "good?" It seems that what I deem for myself as "being good" isn't the same as everyone else. Bending over backwards for those I love is sort of my M.O. I don't mind. Really, I don't. Seeing how shocked and happy people get when I surprise them with cookies on a rough day or drive an hour to have a 30 minute lunch with them makes my day.

Obviously, I don't do this for everyone, just the people actively involved in my life; however, I do it for everyone actively involved in my life: coworkers, friends, family, etc. As happy as it makes me, sometimes, it's exhausting. Growing up I heard that love requires sacrifice, and I've always been someone who wants to spread love, so while people rarely ask or expect me to, I'm usually one to drop what I'm doing and help out when feasible. I've worked on setting boundaries for my mental and physical health, but I still will stay up til 10 pm doing homework when I have work at 4 am because someone was having a mental breakdown, so I visited them for a hug and some cookies. They deserve to know that they are more important than a stupid homework assignment, but that assignment still needs done.

This is how I think. Naturally, I feel like everyone thinks similarly, although I know it isn't true. I'm also human. I have bad days where I need or want support too. Which is why it hurts a little bit when the people I care about aren't there for me. Personally, I don't think I ask too much. Honestly, I don't think anyone does, but if I make a request, I try to keep the inconvenience factor as minimal as necessary. Things like asking my husband if he can clean the living room while I'm at work, but I didn't get around to it the night before. Because I try to communicate to others how much they matter to me by what I do, it's hard to not feel worthless when they turn down my requests. It's hard not to feel like I'm valued at less than 30 minutes and 30 bucks by people I would move mountains for.

Mind you, moving mountains, is not my expectation. My expectation is just slightly more than minimal effort, which doesn't usually seem to be the case. The people I keep in my life are good, kind people, until I get too close, then being taken for granted seems inevitable and I wonder, is it my fault? In trying to show them that they are worth the world, did I instead show them, that I am worth nothing?

Some, I see in hindsight, were malintentioned from the start. While most people are good, not all are. I can picture at least one face clearly when I think of those who intentionally took advantage of my selflessness, but most, I think just undervalue the subconscious importance of the little things I ask of them. Which makes me wonder if it's my mindset that should change, or theirs? On the one hand, if everyone went out of their way for people the way I try to (albeit imperfectly), I think the world would be so much better, with people who are so much more fulfilled! On the other hand, no rational person, myself included, can expect that of people. It'd be unreasonable. Since that is the case, is my impact, while well-intentioned, a negative one?

I don't have all the answers, or in this case any, but it some food for thought that I hope by putting into the universe, will start digesting into a better outcome than my current predicament.