Self-Care and 'Baywatching'

2017 was the hardest year of my life. I accepted a job that, though it paid more, it also moved me more than 90 minutes from my support system of friends and family. I was given a nearly impossible task, I had to turn around an entire business and I had to do it while also learning how to actually do the job. It’s a job from my field so I wasn’t completely unprepared but it came to involve far more than my typical skill set.

I began spending endless hours at work, 12, 13, 14, hour days, non stop work, very little sleep and the worst diet imaginable. I was seeing progress so I refused to give up but I was also burning out. I was always in my office, always under pressure and constantly feeling the scrutiny of my peers and superiors. This endless cycle of minor success and modest failure became the norm. Much like a failing dam, when I would plug one hole, another opened up. It was truly exhausting but I had convinced myself I would be rewarded for this down the road.

Eventually however, it all came crashing down. I had a massive failure, I was ridiculed, I was talked down to and when I stood up for myself, I was ignored. I was exhausted, ashamed, heartbroken and in complete despair. I’ve battled depression for most of my life so I am generally prepared when the darkness settles over me. But something about this time felt different. Something about this particular despair, the unending feeling of failure and the pressure I put on myself to succeed became this rushing torrent, a flood of negative emotions that I’d never felt before.

I was sitting in the dark with the only light coming from my laptop. It was some time after midnight and I was sweating and nervous as to whether the latest attempt to fix a problem would actually work. I would need to babysit this project through the night to be sure that it was working properly. I was running on little sleep and my mind kept searching for something to go wrong, as was the default position of my disposition, pessimism. Indeed a failure did come and I was going to have to come up with something else.

I was in despair, I couldn’t take it anymore and I began, for the first time since my teenage years, to seriously consider self-harm. I was alone, in the dark, my support system far away. My identity tied up in whether I was good at my job or not and whether I could survive being fired. I slipped down to the floor and quietly wept. It was the darkest moment of my life. Then, I noticed a notification on my phone. I’d seen it earlier but I had ignored it. I look at it now and it could not have been more surreal to me at that moment. It was a YouTube notification. It told me that a new Baywatching had been posted.

For those that are not aware, Baywatching is a very silly YouTube show created by the wonderful creator, Allison Pregler. Using funny voices and goofball jokes, along with some genuinely smart and insightful observations, Allison critiqued the very silly show Baywatch. Baywatching had become my favorite show on YouTube over the prior years and for the first time in days my mood picked up just a little. I smiled for a moment, even as tears were still coming.

At that moment, I had two paths as I could see it. I could follow the darkness and desolation to my death or I could watch Baywatching. Being afraid to die, I chose Baywatching. I watched the new episode and caught myself smiling for the first time in days. I started the Baywatching playlist and when Allison performed the voice of the character Eddie for the first time, I laughed. It was the most surprising and unexpected laugh of my laugh. At a moment when I thought perhaps I was at my end, something had actually made me laugh.

Over the next four hours I watched Baywatching. I laughed at the silly voices, the jokes about Mitch’s meat fetish, Mitch’s hatred of dogs, and his petty competitive side with his fellow lifeguards. The words “My Save” began to get a laugh every time they were said in the voice of Mitch and fellow petty lifeguard, Stephanie. The idea of the Baywatch lifeguards investigating murders and drug deals are so wonderfully absurd, they provide a perfect target for satire and Allison is just the right person to make it hilarious.

I distinctly recall the episode Cretin of the Shallows as the moment when I knew I was going to get through the hardest night of my life. The episode features a character that Allison called The Night Puncher. Watching the Night Puncher punch Eddie in the face and Allison’s incredibly funny Eddie voice had me roaring with laughter, even as I had seen the episode several times before. So many of Allison’s running gags are part of this episode including Eddie’s Pug with Angel Wings t-shirt, Craig’s creepy stare, and Mitch’s obsession with meat. There is also the use of a song, I believe it is called The Root Beer Rag, I can’t even think of it without chuckling about it.

Baywatching helped me get to sleep for the first time in days. The comfort of the show simply eased my mind. I have seen every episode of Baywatching more than once and yet, the jokes never fall flat for me. I could watch Baywatching forever and never tire of the voices, the tropes, the running gags and these wonderful characters. In the last few years, Allison has added Baywatching Nights to her channel and that bizarre show has only made Baywatching even more hilarious.

To Allison Pregler, thank you for creating Baywatching. I was asked by my therapist to write about my self-care and one of the cornerstones of my self-care is watching Baywatching and your movie reviews with Phelan, I can’t get enough of those either. Baywatching, as silly as it is, pulled me through the darkest night of my life. Your show was a life preserver in a moment I desperately needed one. I’m not trying to over-inflate the importance of the show, but your humor is truly a comfort to me and I imagine to thousands of others as well.

Thank you Allison, on the darkest night of my life, it was Your Save.

May Pugs with Angel Wings smile upon you.