Review of Sexton's "A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together"

The full title If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together piqued my interest. James J. Sexton, Esq. offers some great advice that has helped me recognize some areas I can improve to strengthen my marriage.

A Positive Narrative

In divorce court, Sexton crafts a positive narrative to present to the judge no matter how good or bad his client may be, and he suggests spouses can create their own narrative of the positive aspects of their marriage. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver illustrate how happily married spouses have a positive narrative of how they met. Ironically, Sexton shares stories of how some spouses had affairs with others because they had similar qualities or looks to a younger or happier version of their spouses. These types of affairs illustrate the importance of maintaining and building on a couple’s story. Furthermore, spouses can rewrite their narratives in a positive light at any time.

Honesty (in Arguments Too)

An overarching theme in Sexton’s book is being honest with yourself and your partner. First, you need to be honest with yourself before you can be fully honest with others. Part of being honest is understanding yourself and letting your partner know your needs and wants, even the kinky ones. Second, being honest helps couples argue better. They can search for the core reason for the disagreement and focus on the heart of the problem. It also doesn’t matter who is technically right in an argument if the results bring harm to the relationship. Third, honestly state problems quickly (and kindly) before resentment builds.

Gottman and Silver’s Seven Principles offers further guidance on how to argue better. They discuss the “four horsemen” of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as destructive elements in an argument to avoid (chapter 3). To counter these, spouses can work on taking turns to talk, communicating understanding, validating emotions, empathizing, and showing affection during arguments (chapter 6).

Facebook: an Infidelity-Generating Machine

One insightful chapter is entitled “If We Were Designing an Infidelity-Generating Machine, It Would Be Facebook.” Sexton is very anti-Facebook because he estimates he sees two or three cases a week that began with affairs started or facilitated through Facebook. Personally, I frequently receive random friend requests from all sorts of males, especially successful-looking ones in the army or medicine. He warns,

“If you’re vaguely unhappy with your relationship or marriage, and especially if you’re more than vaguely unhappy with it: Stay away from Facebook” (114).

He then lists eight reasons why it’s designed as an infidelity-generating machine.

“Facebook is the single greatest breeding ground ever for infidelity. Nothing that has come before — not swingers’ clubs and key parties, not chat rooms, not workplace temptations, not Ashley Madison, Tinder, or Grindr; no, not even porn — comes within a thousand miles.”

After reading this chapter, I recognize how important it is to keep my guard up when using Facebook. Besides, I know one person who began an affair through Facebook. I also know of wives who cringe when their husbands are looking at other women on Facebook as if they are porn. For this reason, I avoid posting glamor shots or filtered photos on Facebook; I try to show my real self. Additionally, my husband and I try to report our actions to one another when communicating with anyone we find attractive (or the opposite gender).

Parenting

Sexton gave parenting advice that has helped others after a divorce, which he believes may prevent divorce. First, incorporate self-care, time alone, and time alone as a couple. Second, recognize you are not a perfect parent and that’s okay. Third, share difficult childcare tasks and enjoyable childcare tasks. Sharing childcare duties prevents spouses from feeling overloaded or resentful toward the other spouse.

Furthermore

James J. Sexton, Esq., shares more advice, but I can’t fit all his advice or my thoughts on it in one essay. I tried to capture the meaningful parts. His other advice may be better for you. In that case, you can read the book for yourself, if you don’t mind reading f*** to mean “have sex.” It is definitely mature content in my opinion.

What has helped in your marriage? How do you argue better?