Relationship with yourself

Past experiences from relationships have taught me what I need to learn to have a relationship with myself before I can have one with anyone else. I’ve seen people come and go from my life because I was considered, “complicating” so they didn’t want to deal with me. I went through a lot of different relationships, but when I sit and think about why they didn’t work out I realize that I just didn’t love myself enough. I was always doing for the other person, always trying to please them, and wasn’t worried about myself like I should have been. I always got the short end of the stick in the relationship and was feeling insecure all the time. My self-esteem slowly faded over the years. The last relationship that I was in lasted about four months, it was then that I realized I can’t keep giving out love when I’m not even loving myself anymore. I realized that I need to work on myself.

We as women tend to get carried away with worrying about others. We spend a lot of our time taking care of others and ignoring our own needs. Self-care and self-love begin with you ladies. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of another. I’ve learned that if my needs are taken care of then I can focus my attention on others who would need it. As a single mother of two, I completely understand that it isn’t easy to do self-care and self-love before attending to your children, so my point being is you need to find that time. Find the time once your child’s needs are taken care of to find time for you, a little “me” time never hurt anyone. Especially when you have a partner who is helping you. We all get overwhelmed and deserve that time to ourselves. No matter what you decide to do with it, take that time to learn you, to love you, and reacquaint yourself with you.

This has been on my mind since I’ve gotten dumped. I’ve thought a lot about just building a relationship with myself, especially since I’ve spent a good chunk of my time pleasing others. When I think about it I wonder if I even really know myself or if the things I am accustomed to doing are because of other people's influence. So, I decided that after a terrible 2019-2020 year that I would start 2021 fresh. I would begin by learning to love myself and build up my self-esteem. This year I am going to put myself first, as we all should.

Is this possible? How is this possible? A question that many probably wonder especially me. At first, I thought that I wouldn’t have time for myself. I thought that I would just get by with the way I was feeling instead of improving things in my life. Well, that isn’t true. If I who is a single mother of a three-month-old and an eleven-year-old can find the time, I know that others certainly can. We don’t spend enough time loving ourselves. We need to get back to self-love and self-care especially before we get into a relationship.

To do that you need to spend time alone. Now it isn’t going to be easy if you are a parent, but it is possible. You just need to make out a schedule and put some “me” time aside. I’ve noticed since I have been by myself, I have begun to grow more. Slowly I am learning that I don’t need anyone, but I do have people who would be there for me. My self-esteem will take a while to buildup, but I have learned to turn guys down. I’ve learned not to take offense to a guy not taking the hint or a blunt answer to me letting them know to leave me alone and move on. Being outspoken wasn’t a thing for me but lately, it has been a new trend. All these things take time and I’m noticing that I love every minute of it. I wake up each morning still stressed but not about a partner or significant other just life in general, there is no one to pick a fight with which is nice, and the peace is the most enjoyable. Never did I think being single would lead to such a wonderful relationship with myself. Don’t ever feel like you need to stick around in a relationship just to be happy. When we are unhappy in a relationship it is either the situation we are in or because we are sticking around for other reasons. Don’t let yourself get lost within the relationship either, that was a mistake I made multiple times leading to decreases in my confidence and self-esteem.

There are many benefits to being alone and yes there are times I’m lonely, but I am learning the things I like and dislike so that when I eventually meet someone I won’t be a chameleon and transform into who they want me to be. When I do eventually meet someone, they will know to accept me for who I am. One thing I’ve learned is I can’t please everyone, and I shouldn’t have to change to be in a relationship with someone. I should be accepted for who I am. If the person can’t accept the way I behave, things I enjoy, or my lifestyle then I am okay with moving on. Until I do decide to get back out there I will continue to build a relationship with myself.

I’m still new at all this blogging or journaling and hope to eventually improve in my writing but for now, I try to best I can to explain my relationships or situations so that others can understand that they are not alone. In situations I’ve been in I have felt alone even when friends and family assured me that I wasn’t. I was not loving myself enough to know that I could conquer anything and now I am thirty years old and still learning. However, I have made a lot more success since then. I just want others to know that you can continue being strong no matter what you are facing. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Only you can make the change you want to see. Put yourself first before anyone. Put your children and your family second. Make time for YOU. The relationship you build with yourself with be worth the time and effort put in. It will help to make your relationships with others just as strong and able to conquer any obstacles standing in the way. Love YOU first and grow from there.