Relationship Advice For couples With Trust Issues

Here is our advice on establishing trust and mending it when it has been damaged.

What Relationship Issues Affect Trust Frequently?

Trust problems come in many shapes and severity levels. More people encounter some than others.

Jealousy: Jealousy may lead to even more serious issues in relationships. When someone is envious, they can constantly want to know where their spouse is. Worse still, they could detest being apart from their companion. They typically have a propensity to be smothering, domineering, controlling, possessive, and may get angry fast. They may feel intimidated by others.

Pistanthrophobia: The dread of being able to trust people is known as pistanthrophobia. It's more prevalent in love relationships and may lead to an excessive and sometimes illogical dread of one's partner or of a certain circumstance or activity. It's critical to note that pananthrophobia does not include logical reasoning. Though those who experience it are unlikely to have really faced any of the threats or hazards they dread, their impression of them is so intense that they may learn to cope by avoiding or isolating themselves.

Broken "partner-picker": A broken partner-picker produces a person who lacks self-confidence. Actually, their spouse has absolutely nothing to do with the lack of trust. The relationship might still suffer greatly as a result, however. You will have to live with your spouse never feeling fulfilled in your relationship if they are this kind of person. They lack confidence in their own judgment and most likely consistently believe that the grass is always greener. They'll always question if greater things are on the horizon.

More wrong than right: Those who hold this perspective will concentrate on identifying all the "wrongs" in their spouse or relationship. They constantly criticize their spouse and look for reasons why the relationship won't work out because they are too harsh. They don't even have to be misbehaving in a particular way. They often just lack confidence in others, which may be troublesome for obvious reasons.

Advice for both new and existing relationships on how to resolve trust issues

In contemporary culture, there is a trust problem. Nearly 71% of Americans, according to the Pew Research Center, think that interpersonal trust between individuals is worse now than it was 20 years ago. What does this imply for interpersonal relations? Sadly, there might also be a problem with trust.

It might be difficult to know how to handle trust problems in a relationship. If a lack of trust is impeding the development of your relationship, whether you have trust difficulties yourself or are coping with a partner who does, you need to learn how to cope with it.

It may be draining, demanding, and overwhelming to not be able to trust your spouse or be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. It may lead to conflict, sabotage enjoyable moments, and all-around relationship worry. Your trust in a spouse is broken in a way that is similar to shattering a mirror. Even if you can put everything back together, it may be more difficult to see things clearly again the more fractures there are, whether in a new or old relationship. However, unlike a physical mirror, trust can be completely restored with time, and with the help of loved ones, you can learn how to overcome trust difficulties.

First, what creates problems with trust?

Understanding what can be the cause of trust difficulties is crucial before starting the mending process. If you've ever had a lover abuse your trust, the solution may be plain to you. According to Maya Maria Brown, relationship expert at relationship app Couples, "If your agreements with someone were violated in the past, such with adultery or dishonesty, it's logical that you would expect the next person you're with to act the same way."

Having said that, it's still possible to have trust issues even if you've never had a love relationship go bad. According to Brown, it's possible for you to acquire trust difficulties as a consequence of having an inconsistent or violent connection with your parents as a kid or observing other family members or close friends having unstable relationships.

The physical reaction of the body to trauma is one of the reasons why such trust difficulties might persist. According to trauma expert Peter Levine, PhD, "when you go through a terrible relationship experience, like having an inconsistent parent or an abusive or unfaithful spouse, your body recalls that event," adds Brown. "If that is the case, your body may react to any potential dangers of injury in the future—which may just be being in a relationship—by bracing itself for pain. In an effort to stop any more injury, you can have an uneasy sensation in your stomach, the impulse to flee, or a protective outburst. And the harder they may be to overcome, the more natural those self-protective reactions grow.

Is it possible to overcome problems with trust?

A good relationship requires a level of vulnerability that can only be attained by complete confidence in your spouse. You are effectively telling the other person, "Here is this gushy, sensitive organ of mine—please don't mess with it," as you grasp your heart in your hands and give it to them. So it might seem as if the universe is gaslighting you when someone betrays you, breaks up with you suddenly out of the blue, or does anything else that makes you feel like you made a serious mistake by giving up your heart and world. It's difficult to get past that sensation, and it's much harder to start totally trusting again.

Rebuilding that trust may be difficult, according to relationship therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT. You may wonder, "Am I being a fool for trusting again? Will I be harmed again? " once a relationship is shattered by trust. Because it feels so painful and vulnerable to do so after it has been shattered, people stop themselves from trusting again.

But love and being in love both need trust, therefore it's important to put the time and effort into figuring out how to overcome trust concerns. According to Brown, there is no quick fix for mending and finding the ideal spouse isn't always necessary to resolve trust difficulties. In the end, you must take responsibility for your own healing and learn to establish trust and accept vulnerability in your relationships.

Naturally, if your partners consistently betray your confidence, it will be more harder to do that. However, trust problems aren't always insurmountable. According to Brown, "it can be helpful to look for people in your life who model a trusting relationship or to speak with close friends, family members, or ideally, a therapist," who can help you unpack challenging experiences and gain understanding into how your past may be influencing your present.

The actions you may take to resolve trust concerns in a brand-new or long-term relationship and get closer to a solid understanding of intimacy are broken down below by therapists.

How to deal with mistrust in a new relationship

1. Be forthright and honest about your experiences.

Due to a lack of trust, you may not want to share all the specifics of how you've been wronged in the past, but communication is essential for laying a strong foundation in a new relationship. You want your new partner to be aware of what behaviors could be triggering for you in a relationship, which is particularly true when dealing trust concerns.

According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, "if you've been severely burnt, your tendency could be to keep it to yourself and not address it with the next person." But talking to them about your experience and your reservations will probably help you feel a lot better. Furthermore, if this is a difficult process, you don't have to disclose every aspect at once: "You don't need to put it all out there on the first date, but after things start going, let them know what you've gone through and how you may be feeling challenged," says Hartstein.

2. Seek advice from loved ones.

Consult with individuals who really care about your well-being and are willing to share their opinions if you observe any signs of dishonesty in a new companion. In particular, Hartstein advises determining if your loved ones believe the current scenario is really a problem or whether you could be projecting a result from an untrustworthy connection you've either experienced or observed in the past. The question, "Are there genuinely red flags here, or am I overreacting because of a prior situation?" may also be asked of oneself objectively.

3. Attempt to get closure on the past.

If your trust was betrayed in a past relationship and you haven't (literally or figuratively) burnt every image of your ex, you may want to think about this. It could be worthwhile to meet with your dishonest ex-partner to do a post-mortem if the relationship is still friendly enough to do so.

Just remember to go cautiously with this. It may not be a smart idea if their conduct has been really appalling, according to Hartstein. But in certain circumstances, hearing their point of view might enable individuals to put things behind them and psychologically move on.

4. Recognize that time does in fact assist.

It could just take a little while for your feeling of trust to return. The time factor, however, usually has more to do with fortifying the new relationship in front of you than it does with letting go of the one you left. According to Hartstein, "you are likely to feel better the more time you spend with your new spouse and the more you build on the strong foundation that you are constructing."

How to resolve problems with trust in a long-term relationship

1. Express your thoughts, worries, and inquiries.

It's crucial to resist punishing or blaming a long-term spouse who betrayed your trust up front. However, it's also not a good idea to just absolve them of responsibility or try to forget the harm they did you. Instead, you should make it obvious that you've been wounded and explain why—whether it was entirely as a consequence of their acts or a mix of their actions and prior experiences that altered your perception of trust. In any event, opening a constant line of communication is the first step in learning how to overcome trust challenges in a long-term connection.

Being able to express the emotions and ideas that have arisen for you after learning about your partner's behaviors that violated your trust is a necessary aspect in regaining trust, according to Thompson. "Your spouse has to understand where you're coming from and how you've been harmed," says the partner.

2. Recognize that the process of regaining trust has no time limit.

Someone in a long-term relationship may have trust challenges for a variety of reasons. But one of the most frequent is adultery in some kind, whether it takes the form of emotional cheating, sexual cheating, or any other conduct that exceeds the predetermined limits of your partnership. And it's important to recognize that it may take as much time as necessary to learn how to mend after being betrayed and regain trust in that situation.

According to Thompson, "many couples who have affairs wonder how long it takes to move on and past infidelity." "Both parties must recognize that there is no deadline for it. It may progress more quickly if everyone works to be open and honest with one another and seeks treatment.

3. Improve your sense of worth.

According to Thompson, "usually the victim of a betrayal feels horrible about themselves and maybe not good enough." It's critical to address these emotions and rebuild yourself. Rebuilding trust goes hand in hand with restoring your sense of worth and confidence. Therefore, be careful to pack your calendar with activities and surround yourself with positive people.

4. Obtain aid

If you still have doubts about your relationship, make sure you have love and support from a person you can rely on. This is someone you can honestly communicate your thoughts and worries with and who won't criticize you if you decide to keep the problematic connection.

At this stage, a lot of individuals may seek out therapy, and that can be quite beneficial, adds Thompson. Healing from a broken trust may be very difficult and bring up many problems from the past and the present. It is crucial that you get assistance to help you get through them.