Refocusing your Marriage

Have you have you ever been sat for hours on end in front of your computer trying to focus on something for an important deadline? You've been at it for so long, however, things are becoming so blurry that you just can't see the tree for the woods? You've lost focus! You take a moment to step away from the computer, grabbed yourself a beverage and now you've returned back to the computer all of a sudden you see clearly. The glaringly obvious is steering you in the face. This is often how we become within our relationships. We can be face to face with our partner for so long that her beauty (mind body and soul) become a blur. That feeling of disconnect begins to kick in and you start taking what you have in front of you for granted or even worse, you slowly start to fall out of love without even realising it.

Falling in love is relatively easy, however, staying in love can often take a fair bit of work. The reality is that too many people give up on their relationships because they believe they've fallen out of love when in fact, sometimes it's a case of us falling out of focus, not love. Life can get disjointed at times and we can lose sight of what's right in front of us so in this article I wanted to share some of my thoughts on how to rekindle a dwindling flame by getting things back in focus.

REASSESS

They say the first steps to recovering from anything is reassessing your situation and holding your hands up to admit that there is a problem. Be bold and accept that things may have gone off track. You may have taken your eye off the ball and you may have to work at falling back in love again but at least now it's on the table. Sit down together and just talk it out. No judgment, no arguments just an open conversation. There is a great power in having a conversation, not for the sake of getting our point across but to discover the unknown. Having a conversation can hash out a lot of our problems, especially if the root cause is miscommunication. Reassess the facts but be considerate the feelings too! Be open to listening rather than sitting on the side of the defence, waiting to point the finger. Sometimes we need a bit of time to ourselves to reassess and for some, that's ok too. Some would argue that there's a healthy benefit from having a bit of space to think for a moment to get some clarity about what it is you want for your marriage, however, we can only truly gain perspective when we aim to see through the lens of our partner.

REFOCUS

The heart of this process should be, focusing on what really matters and that’s the future of your relationship. Set some parameters that you are both accountable to and for. Again... don’t point fingers. Learn to focus on working together against the problems that have caused you to fall out of focus. When someone's back is badly misaligned they will often need to make several visits to their chiropractor in order to have it realigned. When we spend our time intentionally together we re-aligning ourselves with one another and become refocused and more in tune with each other. I never feel more focused than when my wife and I spend time in the mornings either reading, meditating or even praying together. Whatever your thing is, mutually decide what time of day works best and spend quality time each day working together toward the goal of having a more intentional focused time on your relationship.

REKINDLE

Remember what sparked that flame. Ask yourself these questions: "What made us click?" And "What qualities led me to fall in love with this person in the first place?" It's good to reminisce on those moments that set the flame ablaze at first but it's also about establishing what keeps that flame lit now. It's often the case that as we grow older the things that ignite our passion are no longer the same and the marker has moved. Knowing this truth is the foundation of sparking a new flame that is grounded in the reality of your present situation and not on old memories. I think love is something that you have to work on to keep the flame lit, and with practice, it develops over time and experience. Love is a practice.

RE-ENGAGE

Find new shared interests. The everyday mundane routine can make any living being become disengaged, uninterested and out of focus in any area of life. If we allow it to, life can play itself out whilst we participate on auto pilot and marriage can become a place of limitations rather than exploration. Remember the Disney classic "Aladdin?" (Stay with me on this one. I'm going somewhere) Well, whilst Aladdin was on the magic carpet showing Jasmine a whole new world (not a euphemism) it was at that moment where the two characters really engaged with one another. Two people from two completely different backgrounds were having a moment of transparency where the other could get an insight into a world they had never seen before. Sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that we can only engage in a topic, activity or thought that we already know, understand and subscribe to, however, the opposite is often true too. We can re-engage with our spouse not by thinking alike but by trying to think together.

RECONNECT

Sometimes when we fall out of focus, physical intimacy takes a hit too and this is often a hard one to overcome in the absence of intellectual intimacy. It starts in the mind so take the step to connect on an intellectual level. Once you've engaged the mind... get back on the horse* and put sex back on the table again. Figuratively speaking... unless that’s your thing. Contrary to popular belief, sex can actually stimulate and increase mental intimacy, however, we often believe it to be the other way around. Frequent sex helps to release endorphins in our brain and can increase libido and our overall attraction to each other. (You're welcome!!!) When people feel like they're falling out of love, sex is often put on the back burner, but, sex can actually help build and strengthen an intimate bond in a relationship. It makes both men and women feel appreciated, sexy, physically attractive and self-confident. It makes us feel really good about ourselves and that has a massive knock on effect for our spouse. Sex doesn't just help bring us closer together physically but mentally too. An interesting fact to know that was found in recent studies is that sex relieves stress, helps lower blood pressure and burns 170 calories or more for every hour in the sack. So for God's sake get busy with your spouse. The health of your relationship isn't the only thing at risk!

*Disclaimer – for those unfamiliar with the term, I'm in no way shape or form referring to your partner as a horse. It's merely an expression. Lol.

CONCLUSION

1 out of 2 couples end their relationships in divorce. There are many different reasons as to why, however, it’s often as a result of falling out of love with their partner. (research and get evidence supporting why people divorce) I wonder how much of a different outcome we’d get if we took the moment to regularly refocus and recalibrate when we feel like the love has gone. I’m told a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. So forgive any previous shortcomings and re-commit to focusing back on growing your love for one another.