Manhood Before 30

Have you ever seen those annoying drivers who can't make up their mind on which lane they’re in? Those drivers who drive slow and take forever just to simply change up a gear when they come into the fast lane? They do 40 when they know full well it's a 50mph zone! "What on Earth are they playing at?” They are so incompetent on the road that their passenger always has to give them clear instructions on which way to turn. They're such "special" drivers that they need to have a special cone on the top of their car with the big red "L". You know who I'm talking about... Learners!

I found myself getting frustrated as I was stuck behind two learner drivers once. In fact, it was that very experience that brought me to write this article. As much as I was frustrated by these learner drivers, I was quietly reminded, by a simple thought: “that was once me!” In fact, that was once all of us! At some point, most of us will need to pass the theory of driving, then bite the bullet and just get on the road. The thing about driving is that you can’t truly learn how to drive unless you actually drive, and there are no separate lanes dedicated to the less experienced. We all have to use the same road!

I turned 30 back in 2016 and as I took some time to reflect over my life, I was reminded about my journey into manhood. I was reminded of the successes and the (very many) mistakes and failures along the way. I also took a moment to remember the input of the many instructors I have had (and still have) that have been helping me navigate along this road called manhood.

Hitting the big 30 milestone in my life was something I could not let pass without sharing 5 key lessons that I learned (and am still learning) in becoming the man I am today.

A man's duty is to mentor

Just like the learner driver, I found myself stuck behind, I too was under the guidance of a few instructors/mentors/men in my life, who have been helping me learn how to become a man. Some people may be under the illusion you become a man as you blow out those candles on your 16th, 18th or even 21st birthday, however, the facts would suggest that age is not what determines manhood.

Becoming a man is a learned behaviour and takes effort and multiple attempts at getting it right before you can even getting close to mastering manhood (if you can actually ever master it). I was once shown the way by men like my father, brothers, granddad, teachers and other close friends of the family. So many people have been there for me and play a part in supporting my growth from boy to man. They have been there teaching and giving me opportunities to sink or swim whilst putting these skills to the test in my attempt to become a man. They invested time, not because they were obligated to do so but because they saw it as their honourable duty to be that village that raised a child and added value to another man's life.

Think about the people that have invested time into your life! If someone once had the time to invest into me then it is my duty to pass that on to someone else. I must also take accountability for those that I chose not to invest in. The truth is that some guys have honestly never had anyone to invest time into them and they have had to make it on their own. To those guys, I would encourage even more so to be accountable for those young boys who are facing a very familiar situation to that which you were once in. Make sure that they do not have to face the same neglect and absence of the support of a positive male role model.

I wholeheartedly believe that if a man would invest his time in positively impacting his family, neighbourhood and community, then a great change would take place, presenting a solution to many of the global problems we currently face. This can only be done if we step up as men and invest time in mentoring someone.

Find your lane

I spent a large chunk of my life trying to run in other people's lanes, always getting frustrated that I was not the best or not acknowledged as even being a front runner in that lane. (Very egotistical but hey!) The problem with not being in your own lane is that you are forever chasing someone else, playing catch up and sometimes even imitating the actions of others in an attempt to do what they do, speak like they speak and ultimately become them.When you understand your purpose and learn to (say it with you best Kevin Hart voice) "just do you", then you can truly start to run your own race. You have the space to be a front runner because no one else can do what you do, how you do it, better than you! When it comes to my relationship with my wife, I have sometimes had opinions regarding our relationship based on how others are in their relationships. I have learned that this is pointless and foolish because there really is no comparison because my wife is not the same as those that I would or could compare her to (not that I would or could. I'm just illustrating a point here!). With that in the forefront of my mind, I can never expect her to act or think more like someone else and she could not expect that of me as we are in our own lanes, and imitation of anyone or anything else takes us out of the lane we should be front runners in. I have learned to find my lane and run like Forrest Gump.

When you understand your purpose and learn to (say it with you best Kevin Hart voice) "just do you", then you can truly start to run your own race. You have the space to be a front runner because no one else can do what you do, how you do it, better than you! When it comes to my relationship with my wife, I have sometimes had opinions regarding our relationship based on how others are in their relationships. I have learned that this is pointless and foolish because there really is no comparison because my wife is not the same as those that I would or could compare her to (not that I would or could. I'm just illustrating a point here!). With that in the forefront of my mind, I can never expect her to act or think more like someone else and she could not expect that of me as we are in our own lanes, and imitation of anyone or anything else takes us out of the lane we should be front runners in. I have learned to find my lane and run like Forrest Gump.

Make New Mistakes

Mistakes teach you valuable life lessons and help you discover who you truly are as a man. I used to fear to take that next step and to some extent still do in certain areas of life. I saw mistakes as proof of failure rather than looking at it as the evidence of an attempt. I had an unhealthy fear of making a mistake because I would then doubt my abilities and it would eventually highlight my inability to accomplish a task

In reality, I wish I made more mistakes when I was younger as now I see that not taking many risks in my younger more pliable years was probably the biggest mistake of all! The Wright brothers invented the first successful aeroplane but I can bet my house that they fell on their face or even came near to death before that plane eventually took flight. I've spent a lot of time playing it safe because making mistakes means that you have to remove the safety net. It's sink or swim. Soar or fall flat on your face. If you dare to remove the safety net it can sometimes increase our awareness for every little move we make and then helps to build a level of self-confidence in your abilities as you strive to avoid making the same mistake.

I watched a documentary on the self-made billionaire, founder of Spanx, Sara Blakely and she shared that when she was young her father would ask everyone around the dinner table "What did you fail at today?" I think this question is so powerful because it embraces the fact that it's ok to fail because it is proof that you are trying something that is out of your comfort zone. This process of making new mistakes is an evolving process that is forever shaping, moulding and carving out who we are. So I advocate making new mistakes as they play a massive part of our personal growth.

Protect and Serve

Although physical protection is a part of this, it is much bigger than just the physical. I have learned that it is a man's duty to protect what is right and honourable. It is important to stand up and be heard speaking out about what is wrong. Most of all, I've learned that it is important for these values to start within my home first. I have learned this the hard way as there was a point in my life that I felt helpless as I was made redundant from my job and did not know where a meal was coming from. This was an extremely low and hard part of my life but it has taught me some valuable lessons and I now value more than ever that the provision provides protection for my family. When I do not make provisions for my family, a little bit of that protection is stripped back.

I will strive to further protect the ones I love by passing down the tools that I found late in life to make sure that no one has to make the same mistakes that I had previously made. I live to serve my family, not only because I love them but because it was me who invited my wife to come aboard my "ship" to be my co-captain as we ride the waves of life and raise a family. (I know what you're thinking... "he can't make up his mind if he wants to reference ships or cars" - well it's all transportation so get over it!)

Where was I? Ah! The point I'm trying to make is that I now understand that my protection must be for here for the present but must also extend to the future. My presence, provision and physical strength provide protection and service in the present however my advice, values, and teachings will serve and protect my children and hopefully their children in the absence of my presence long after I'm gone.

Vision over Method

I have grown up wanting to do and be better than my dad. This was not birthed out of competitiveness; rather, I have always seen it as a father’s duty and a son’s responsibility to build on top of the shoulders of his father. You can't build on top of someone if your goal is to just match their achievements or be half the man that they were.

I shared with my father at a young age that I want to achieve greater than his highest pinnacle. It was this desire in me that made me copy some of his characteristics and mimic patterns of speech and actions; however, not everything that brought him success as a husband, father and business owner was done in a way that is transferable to this day and age. In fact, most methods he used in the 80's and 90's are almost completely extinct or not relevant in this day and age. It has taken a while but now I understand to look at the purpose; the WHY behind the methods he used, rather than simply copying my father’s actions like for like.

Coming from a black cultured family, I grew up where "physical encouragement" was a well-used method of disciplining an unruly child, however, the purpose of that action was not simply to inflict pain but it was to deter a child from repeating bad behaviour.

Times have change and believe it or not, parents actually have more leverage now when teaching discipline to their children. Because I understand the reason why I was disciplined, it makes it easier to apply different methods to gain the same outcome.

There are so many other examples I could share but I think you get the point and can make your own connections to other areas in life where this "holding stubbornly to the vision - loosely to the method" would apply.

Conclusion

Those were a select few out of the many things I've learned over the last 30 years of my life that have helped shaped and define who I am as a man. I have learned so much from so many great men (my father being my MVP in the lineup!) and this road of discovery is a journey that I hope never ends.

What top 3 lessons have you learned that you wish a younger you knew ten years ago?

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