Realisation

I know I’ve been saying for a long time that I will do something lifestyle based and so, I am doing a lifestyle blog about things that happen on a day-to-day basis. I will be talking about my experiences with various things, some things will come back over and over again because my days are very much similar. If something else happens then it happens. Hopefully, you and I can get along and I can go along and tell you a little bit of a story about this experience I’ve had and then we’re going to talk about it. I’m going to discuss my reaction and my thoughts on the experience afterwards. Not only am I thinking about getting a dialogue going, but I’m also looking to make friends with people who have probably had similar experiences to me. Not only that though, maybe we can have a bit of a laugh and rethink this shit - maybe our minds can be changed and enlightened together. Or, you can just be here to enjoy the story and listen to me ramble on. If you want to read this in my voice then I kind of sound like a cross between Freddie Mercury and Scar from the “Lion King”. So get the full ‘experience’ there. So immersive.

Realisation

A few months ago now, my mother suffered a massive heart attack and I was on Instagram talking about it with one of my friends. Now, 2020 was a horrible year for me. There’s trouble everywhere, most of which I really don’t want to talk about but the one that gave me the most trouble was my mother’s heart attack. It made me realise that I wouldn’t have my best friend around forever - yes, my best friend is my mom. We nearly always get on and even when we don’t, she knows me better than absolutely anyone. She understands my difficulties with agoraphobia and hypochondria that she has seen me go through for just about ten years now. She knows about everything with me, including my problem with alcohol and gives me space when I’m going to have a breakdown or a panic attack. She gives me hugs when I need it and just last night, I had a massive panic attack and spent four hours having some sort of cramping fit, kicking things around and falling over. She hugged me when I finally sort of got over it. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat that night.

When my mother went into hospital after having a heart attack I got up from bed and almost immediately started baking things. I baked and baked and baked because I knew it was the only thing that was going to keep me sane. This was something I did for five or six hours everyday for the five days my mother was in hospital. When I phoned my mother, I would stay on the phone with her for more than an hour a day. I spent those five days in absolute despair and I couldn’t eat properly or sleep properly. Now, my mom knows what time I get up - everyday, I get up at 4am. I only sleep for four hours a night and having trouble sleeping for those four hours can have a terrifying impact on my mental state. It was basically like going through a phase where your own brain is trying to fight you. I kept checking up on my mother, checking if she was alright and I couldn’t visit her in hospital because of COVID. Now, only a day or two before she had a heart attack, I was in hospital for a night because I had a panic attack and hit my head hard. The ambulance was called.

But this isn’t about me, well it is but you get it. My mother’s heart attack was something which not only made me realise that I was actually older than I felt, but it also made me realise who my real family were because well, believe it or not, my extended family don’t particularly see me as a part of the group - I’m a bit of a freak. I’m the quiet and solo one. But when my mother had a heart attack, I got phone calls and texts from my family in India - but nothing from family who lived down the road in every direction. I clench my teeth and wonder whether these people are really a part of my family when people halfway across the world can message me to check on me and my mom but skip town and people don’t care apparently. If they read this, they know who they are.