PTCJ- Search for Meaning

Wandering Hopelessly amidst Black Clouds of Despair, with Anxiety Suffocating my Lungs, and then I would start to See the LIGHT at the End of the Tunnel when I recall why I started on this Path.

I would remember the Time when I was Doing THAT 9–5 Working Weekdays and Partying-Hanging out with Official n unOfficial “co-workers” on Weekends, Spending Carefully enough to Send some back Home and enough to Secure my Future and enough to put in Stocks.

Those “Hard-working” days I would Think World is a Awful place to Live, where Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. You work Hard at a Job you Don’t Like so You can afford to do the Things you Like.

What a Complicated way to Live one’s Life. Some days, when it’s your Day off, You’re sitting at Home thinking,

“Is this Job Paying you enough to take the Stress it gives?”

the Self-Respect I sacrifice for the Money, the Shit I take for not Working like a Machine, Pretending to be Friendly with people I Hate, where I have to go out of my Way to be Social Enough to get a Promotion.

Why can’t I just keep Improving my Art of Working and leave out the Mastering of Socializing?

It’s a Flaw, according to my HR, that I am not Social Enough, but to ME, I Love that I don’t Tolerate Pretentiousness, not even to Save my Life.

My Core Beliefs and Principles, that Makes Me who I am, feels threatened everyday and Losing Myself to Attain Financial Freedom stops feeling like I ll NEVER be Free in my Life.

The More I would Suppress my Feelings and Thoughts to Retain the Constant Flow of Money in My Account per Month, the More I would Feel my Heart going Numb.

I Would hear Others say, “You have to get Used to this kinda thing when you’re in a Corporate.” but getting Used to Suppressing Feelings in turns just Raises the Stress Levels in my already Stressful Life.

Sometimes I would wonder, Maybe it’s just my ADHD Talking and I should take my Pill to get Normal but then Another thought would pop up saying,

“Am I really that Different from the Rest or they just Got “used to” the Circumstances?”

It’s Fine they Made themselves to Believe that It was the Right Thing to Do, but then WHY DOES THEIR EYES LOOK LIKE THEY’RE ASKING FOR HELP?

After Doubts and Questions, More Doubts and More Questions,

I go to a Better and a bit Relaxing Space, with Heat and Wi-fi, out of the Cold and Snow. I Thank GOD for Saving Me from Frost Bite.

Then, Going with That Flow, I would Start Counting My Blessings during these Tough Times.

Tougher Mental Fortitude after I started Believing in GOD, that God has a Plan for me which I can’t Understand. For everything happens for a Reason and it’s for my own Benefit. Once I understood that in Order to Attain the Success I Desire, I first have to be capable enough to Handle that Success, that’s the reason I am going through these Tough Trials as they are preparing Me for the very Success I truly Deserve.

Some might say it’s a way of thinking to Avert your Attention from Reality, I came Face-to-Face with this Cross Road and Decided, Reality is gonna stay the way it is, regardless of my Mindset so why not go with something that Put Less Stress on my Mind?

It’s that thing, what they say that “Chasing your Dreams is an Balancing Act of Intimidating Self-Doubt and Fierce Self-belief.”

it’s indeed a thin line to walk but being Able to/not able to walk it can move Mountains.

and I Greatly Thank GOD for making Me Capable of Understanding the Intricate details of Life and this really Helped me Retain my Sanity during these Testing Times.

and I also Thank my very Good Friends who held my Back during these Times, how much Emotionally and at times, Financially they supported Me. How much they Listen to Me Blabber about Universe and GOD and Spirituality without any Judgement Saved me Countless Times for the Past 8 months I ve been Unemployed. Even when trying to get me to Find a Job so I can sustain a minimum earning so chasing the dream becomes easier, they never back down once even after I never Listened to Them. I can never repay their Kindness for letting Me be Selfish.

As You can see from my Profile, I never Shut Up about putting Connections over Competition and This is a one Big Proof.

If I would to Imagine a Scenario where I had Saved enough Money that Didn’t need to ask for any Help from Anyone, first of all, This Experience would Never have felt so Thrilling and Adventurous which made me Feel Alive when I would go many days without Eating anything and hanging in a Life-and-Death Situation, in that Situation these Guys came to my Rescue and We deepened our Bond like it was never before like this, without the need of help our Friendship would had Stayed the Surface Level and…

I feel Blessed to call these Guys my Friends whom I can Trust Blindly, and You don’t Find this Easily in Today’s World as I See A lot of Rich People Online being Sad that They don’t have genuine Friendships in their Lives.

The more every Individual is Becoming Self-Sufficient, attaining Riches while opening up small scale businesses on their Own, without any Help and Becoming Arrogant that they Won at Life and Everyone else still in Struggling Phase of their Life are Beneath them, These Poor Rich people don’t Realize that amidst feeling Victorious, that same thing is Creating a Big Wall that Prevents them from Making Soul Connections.

Just Plain Surface Level Aquaintainces, asking Each other, “what you been doing these days? I just Added one more Passive Income Source to My Empire, Where are you Financially?

Desire of Creating Competition just to feel like they really are winning at Life, External validation if you may, but that Bucket just never Fills up, and they get Stuck in a Loophole of Building more and Gaining More Compliments to feel a little elated everyday because…

The thing of Happiness is, You can’t Feel it to it’s Utmost until and until You have someone You can Share it with, But These unfortunate Soul already had Sacrificed their Wish to Make Meaningful connection because Their RoleModel tells them, “DON’T TRUST NOBODY”

You know, I feel much better Giving Benefit of the Doubt to every person that I come across, even if they Disappoint in the End, the fact still Remains that it was Meaningful at Some point.

Plus, Getting Disappointed a couple of Times and then Totally Giving up on trying again sounds Horrible, coz you’re Literally killing a Part of yourself that Wants to Trust people and Trust me, No amount of Riches can Fill that Void.

I’VE TRIED. I’VE SEEN.