Pronouns 101

Good evening, friends!

If you clicked an article titled "Pronouns 101" then one of two things is true. Either you're here to rage-read this and then tweet some choice words our way, or you recently were talking to someone, and they interrupted you to correct a pronoun you used. You felt a little judged, and a teensy bit defensive. It happens to all of us, but why? What are pronouns? Pro. Noun. Surely from the prefix and stem, we can surmise that pronouns are simply nouns that have surpassed amateur status for a steady paycheck right? Surprisingly, this is not the case and can land you in hot water with the wrong person.

The classic understanding you may have been taught in grade school is a set of words that can be used as shorthand to refer to nouns or groups of nouns with some assistance from context to keep people on the same page. It’s a simple enough concept that we use pronouns every day without batting an eye and personify any and everything around us from collectively making cars, boats, and other vehicles female(with the exception of my first car, a manual 2008 Honda Civic, Manuel) to referring to any inanimate object as a “good good boi.” Why all the hubbub with people customizing their pronouns now? Well, to properly broach this phenomenon requires an understanding of gender as a performance of social constructs. Now that is an intimidating bit of language, with not a pronoun in sight, but it’s based on some fairly basic concepts.

In order to break down that jargon into digestible pieces let’s start by first going over some terminology, starting with sex, sexuality, and social constructs.

Sex: The genitals you’re born with/without. (eg: Male, Female, Intersex, etc)

Sexuality: The kinds of sex you are or are not interested in. (eg: pansexuality, heterosexuality, homosexuality, swinging, monogamy, asexuality, the list goes on)

Social Constructs: A concept or idea that exists solely because of humans interacting and agreeing that it exists. These agreements serve a purpose and may seem universal, although the forms vary from region to region. (eg: marriage, jobs, bills, the rules to tic tac toe)

Gender: Often confused with sex or sexuality, it is the outward perception of sex with reference to social and cultural differences.

Gender Identity: A person’s internal sense of being male, female, or non-binary.

With these lenses defined we can start to bring “gender” into focus. If we look at it as a result of societal interactions (and let’s face it, “society” has not been the most informed, fair, or scientific influence on the human race *cough cough* human sacrifice *cough cough* torture *cough cough* capitalism) then the “performance” aspect becomes clearer. After all, if one is not innately born into a “gender,” but rather assigned one, and it is a result of how people display and perceive each other’s sex then that perception can be known, and, modified either at will or unwittingly. Thus, gender is performed by the individual as an expression of their inner world. Plainly speaking: This is what true freedom and choice looks like.

We live in a brave new world. Yester are the days where women are like this *confined to the kitchen* and men are like this *disallowed from showing emotions* but this false dichotomy can and should be disrupted. We’re the gottdamn human race and we decide our own fates and experiences thankyouverymuch.

Now that we’ve talked gender and gender identity to death, we can get to the real meat of why you clicked on this article: pronouns. And understandably, it can be a little daunting diving in headfirst.

Why should I use someone’s pronouns?

Using someone’s pronouns is a sign of respect to them and their choices. Conversely, not doing so is disrespectful, just like calling your cishet dad her would be insulting to him.

What if someone corrects me?

Not to worry, this situation is awkward for both parties! Apologizing might seem like the first thing to do but can feel hollow to the recipient if you honestly didn’t know. Instead of thanking the person that corrected you can smooth things over and allow you both to go about your businesses.

What if I get it wrong?

We’re all learning and growing together, likely the person you misgendered is understanding and you can get it right next time.

Why are there so many?

People identify in lots of diverse ways so there are corresponding labels to these identities. It may seem unknowable at first but think about all the names you know and use on a daily basis. You learned them after trial and error and the same can be true for new pronouns you discover around you.

How do I know which ones to use?

It’s as simple as asking. If someone doesn’t immediately use their own pronoun you can introduce yourself with yours and they will likely reciprocate!

Our hope is that this short introduction can help pave the way towards more open and affirming communication, inclusive relationships, and understanding, and we hope this helped you! Let us know by leaving a comment below, any social media by searching “Julian and Michelle Solutions,” or emailing us at [email protected] any other tips for being an ally to the movement, and what you would like to know next. We release two new articles every week Monday and Friday.

Chat with you soon!

Julian (He/Them) and Michelle (She/Her)