Problems

I sit on the swing in an old park that was all but forgotten by most kids. My eyes were glued to the stars that are shining beautifully on a moonless night. While their beauty wasn’t lost on me, I hardly registered it. My heart was pounding against my rib cage and butterflies danced in my stomach, a goofy smile resting on my face as I think of my reasons for being here. Well, reason, as in one, him. He is my reason, Zack. We’ve been friends for years but just started getting to know each other and talk with each other recently, and I couldn’t be happier.

When I was first introduced to the long-haired stranger with cold blue eyes, I wasn’t impressed with him. In fact, I didn’t think we’d make good friends at all. I’ve never been more happy to be wrong in my life. I tilt my head back and release a squeal of delight as I think of all the reasons he could have for wanting to meet on such a perfect night. Maybe he’s going to confess his feelings for me! If I’m lucky, he may even ask me on a date. The very thought sends me reeling in anticipation.

“Jen,” I tilt my head to the side at the sound of a familiar voice calling my name. It’s him, Zack, he’s here. My heart skips a beat as he approaches, but something is off about him tonight. His air of confidence that normally surrounds him isn’t there. The smile that seemed to always have a spot on his face is gone. I slowly stand up, my own smile falling as I walk over, meeting him halfway.

“Z,” I reply to his call hesitantly, eyeing him over with feelings of dread dancing around my stomach. He’s rubbing the back of his neck and his eyes are glued to the ground, his head hanging low.

“I,” Zack starts but trails off, not speaking for a few minutes before trying again. “I don’t know how to say this.” I force a smile on my face and take his hand in mine like we’ve done so many times before and give it a reassuring pat.

“Whatever it is,” I’m surprised at how steady my voice sounds, “you can tell me. We’re friends, you know that.” Zack squeezed my hand before pulling it away, I do my best to ignore the stab of pain in my chest as he does.

“Right, friends.” He takes a deep breath and looks up at me, hesitance swimming in his eyes. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I hold my breath, my heart beating like an unstoppable drum. “You and I, we’re friends.” I nod, not daring to say a word. “I think,” Zack looks away from me briefly, “I think we need to slow down.” My heart stops. I blink at him, shock taking over.

“What?” I gasp out, taking a hesitant step back from him, needing to catch my breath and right the world that spins around me.

“We just need to stop talking for a while,” my stomach sinks, my heart sinks, shredded by tiny blades. “We should stop talking before it creates um...problems.”

“Problems?” I repeat, fighting the tears that threaten to fall and the growing pains in my chest that spreads its way across my body. I try to tell myself I have no idea what he means by ‘problems’, but I know exactly what it means, we, more so, I already have this so-called problem. He must know it too or this conversation wouldn’t be happening. My face burns red in shame.

“Yeah, wow I don’t know how to word this.” I shake my head, I can’t let him see my pain, can’t let him know.

“It’s fine, I get it.” Zack looked up at me and I force a tight smile, fighting to keep my bottom lip from trembling.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, Jen.” My resolve weakens at the sound of his voice, I grind my teeth together. Stay strong.

“Why would I? It’s cool Zack,” he doesn’t appear to be convinced. I can’t blame him, I don’t I sound convincing either, but that’s just because I know the storm that’s raging beneath the surface.

“We can still be friends and everything.” He adds on quickly, I force a laugh and shake my head.

“Of course we are, why wouldn’t we be?” Zacks smile appears on his face in an instant, I bite my tongue at the sight of one of the many things I’ve grown to love about him. Zack walks closer and wraps his arms around me in a hug. Don’t cry, not yet. I hug him back, aching and hating when he pulled away from me.

“I have to go now, but we can text later, my friend.” I nod and wave as he backs up then jogs to his car. When it pulls away I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding and fall to my knees. All the tears I’ve been holding back fall down my cheeks in waves as I cover my mouth with my hands to stifle the cries of agony building up inside me. Everything hurts, my heartache has turned to a physical pain I can’t shake. I was a fool, I knew this would happen. My body quakes at my cries of despair.

The stars have dimmed and everything seems to be a little darker. The flowers have wilted and the gentle breeze seems more cold than comforting. How is it with such a simple conversation, just a few words, my world changed so drastically? I fear it may never be the same.