Pages for Not

Another day at the construction site, and as most days go it wasn’t a bad one. The weather was decent, the material made it on the barge this morning screaming job security. If you’d asked me what I would be doing after graduation I wouldn’t have said leading a construction crew, but you have to do what you gotta’ do to get by.

Making my way through the sweat of the first half of the day I gave the signal to break a few minutes early. This, of course, perked Sam up.

“What’s up boss? Yuh’ not get yuh’ Wheaties today?” He laughed as he did after most ingenious remarks.

“Nah, I’m just hoping you ate yours,” I said with a conspicuous smirk. “This early lunch is to make sure you get that 20 min. bathroom break out the way before the work begins.” Laughter ensued.

“Keep goin’ Sammy, lunch AND entertainment. See ya inna’ few boss!.” That was Jim, always a good buffer. I took a deep breath feeling the surrounding eyes and ears slowly dissipate in a nice spot on the roof. Always a sandwich, gotta save that money. I have a girlfriend, she isn’t high maintenance by any means but when you live where we do, life tends to be just that.

As I took a bite of ham and cheese with a little lettuce and mustard, I felt my phone go off as it tends to do around lunch time. She’s probably wondering about dinner, around the fourth buzz I decided to stop letting her squirm.

“Hey hun,” I said confidently... I heard rustling which probably meant butt dial so I tried again. “...Babe.” this time with more volume.

“Mmm my god…” The sound of another man's voice crept through the speaker burrowing into my brain. The cold ice of realization imprisoned my every thought and movement. As the mutual agreement began I hung up. What just happened?...I knew what was happening -but what in the hell happened? I’d just grasped it. That feeling that brightens your present and future. Somehow forgives the past. Now, I feel nothing.

I sat there a few moments, phone in one hand sandwich in the other. The contents of the sandwich had slid out of the bread making a new home in the dirt. A new home in the dirt… how appropriate.

“Fun stuff,” I said with empty enthusiasm. I had just made an executive decision, I’m no longer in need of sobriety. Funny, a chip can lose meaning when your support system crumbles. We are all human, even she. Even me. I made my way out of the building with a fake smile deflecting the many questions shot at me. Not now boys, sorry. I can't allow anyone to step into the lava with me...

I found a bottle and a nearby abandoned building and caught my breath with little ease after the first guzzler. "What SENSE," I said to the animated letters on the bottle. "We built everything up for nine years and with one double ass-dial from my own bed... she is nothing." This whiskey was my dad’s favorite. I could use some wisdom, above all honesty but he is another story entirely.

After more rambling I felt myself begin to fade knowing one thing. Soon, no problems will break through this eighty-proof wall of alcoholic anguish. The numbness set in... The little cognition I had left recognized that my body became heavier to one side, and from on the floor I heard my own voice echo: “See you on the other side, champ..."

“Mmmmrrahharrhegnin.” The sound I’d make more than once, and for a few reasons. The first being that English had become an acquired taste again. The second was due to the fact that I was laying in a dumpster somehow adding bitterness and grease trap to the foul tastes in my mouth. Having to face reality was enough to percolate anxiety.

I begrudgingly accepted the role of Screw Up for the day and hobbled out of the container. After remembering how to stand again I reached for the cigarettes in my coat pocket. “Well, at least it’s starting off right,” I muttered realizing I still had a handful of smokes left. This was a rare thing. For any of you that don't enjoy alcohol and nicotine, ‘hand in hand’ is a very gentle euphemism.

Pulling the pack and lighter from my pocket, I noticed they had been accompanied by a strange little black notebook. This, however, did not stop me from first lighting a cigarette pre-investigation. I put the pack away with my left hand and held the notebook in my right, staring in utter curiosity having never seen it before.

Exhaling a couple worth of smoke I'd decided to open it. “Always Think Twice” was scribbled across the back of the cover. I scoffed, “right now, I don’t know what to think FIRST.” There was a pen showing itself through the spine of the book

A chilling breeze swept through the alley when I freed the pen and scratched in terrible form, “I think more than twice about money, how about 20K!?” This number held no particular meaning, but to someone like me it was debt relief. Repocketing the book and pen I snubbed out the last of the smoke and hit the road.

This day began uphill so I decided coffee was an appropriate jumpstart. This little breakfast joint on the edge of the city I liked just happened to be a few dumpsters away. As soon as I entered the building I smelled breakfast and started to feel a little more human. Seeing an empty spot and sitting down I caught the waitress's eye. Immediately noticing something against the wall in the booth, I gave my attention to the waitress so as to get caffeine in route.

"Anything I can get you sir?" She asked with a slightly southern draw.

"No thankyou, just coffee would be fine. Some Sugar and creamer if you've got it." She smiled, seemingly happy to have a polite customer and took the order to the front. As I looked left to see the mystery item something caught my eye outside. I saw a man in the shadow of this tree, he was staring right at me...There was no question in my mind. I couldn’t see his face, yet somehow there was something familiar...My gaze was interrupted by a creamer dispenser the waitress set down making a loud clanking sound of metal to glass. As I quickly turned back to see the man in the shadows, he was gone.

Browsing I saw no one resembling this man.... I quickly shook it off, remembering the item next to me. It looked like a small jet black handbag. The tag on it still, as if it’d never been used, yet it was full enough to the point the owner had to tie the handles together to keep it closed.

The tag read, "A.T.T." …What could that possibly stand for? I unbound the bag to see more hundreds and twenty dollar bills than I'd ever seen. "WOW," the sight forced me to say aloud. "...How the?" I was stopped speechless at the amount of questions I immediately had all at once, as well as the approaching waitress.

I knew this was life changing money, and I made that decision I mentioned in the beginning of our story, and in the words of Steve Miller, "Ohhh, took the money and run."...Woohooowoo.

"Anything else you need let me know, ok?" She started pouring coffee unaware of my new "possession". As I moved my coat over the item I nodded and smiled displaying years of fake complacency. Now I was aching to get a look at my glimmer of hope, I no longer considered breakfast.

I paid the bill, without thought for the first time in years, and made my way outside. I knew I couldn't go home so I made my way to the park up the street and found a quiet bench to count the big break. Smiling I passed the first five thousand, ten...my god. There’s about twenty thousand dollars in this bag! Suddenly I felt like I was being watched -my eyes searched the park a second before landing on a man in the shadows."...Is that the same guy from the diner?" I was mumbling at this point, keeping my eyes locked on the mysterious figure. He crossed his arms, his focus seemingly locked on me as before. I wouldn’t have blinked had not a group of joggers run into the optic crossfire.

I stood up quickly so as to not lose this shady character but just as before, he’d vanished as if he'd never existed. After a second of bewilderment I began to panic. this man was after something… Either me or the money, one sure thing I wasn’t excited to discover what or why. With that, I decided to get rid of it the way I enjoyed most. The tracks.

I was running out of the park faster than I’d hoped the shadow man could possibly travel. Within minutes I was at a booth ready to drop money. Just one bet. If this creeper was going to do anything, it’d better happen in the next thirty seconds before the bookie cleans this money. At the end of the race I’ve either doubled a good thing or destroyed part of some jerks' poorly spent retirement.

The bookie was more than happy to oblige. I picked a horse and one popped. "Huh...M.C.," I laughed quietly. It clearly wasn’t meant to end with Hammer but why not. I made my way to the stands, ticket in hand. At this point I’ve sweat through my clothes, complimenting the smell of trash heap left by my choice in overnight accommodations, -cheap as it was.

"Here we are ladies and gentlemen, last race of the evening so place your bets!..." He went on to name the horses and as my horse's name came up I felt that icy alley breeze creep up my back. "...Destiny, Moral Code, Cool Breeze..." Jesus... M.C. stood for moral code. I’d have considered this longer had the race not begun.

"And they’re off ladies and gentlemen!!!"... It has begun.

My horse was fast. Watching that animal I felt all the ominous signs that had led up to this event deplete. He was well conditioned and cleanly making his way through the pack. They rounded the corner into their last lap, MC was in the lead. "Go you ironic bastard, GO!" I screamed, jumping to my feet. They made their way through the start of the final leg and I got a familiar chill... As I glanced back to the line the man in the shadows was there, piercing through me with focus.

The horses were flying around the track and it hit me. I dug the black book out of my coat pocket and flipped it open… the page was blank. How? The clattering of hooves began to intensify again as they made their way back toward me as I frantically went through page by page. I looked up to see that the man in the shadows was no longer looking at me, but the ground.

My eyes darted back to the horses coming around the last turn and as if in slow motion MC’s left knee began to buckle. Immediately the announcer pounced on it, “ OHHH MC is DOWN folks and it is not looking good!” It was over just like that. I sat immobile and watched the other horses finish their race as the lucky break became a fleeting memory… The man in the shadows was gone and I wouldn’t see him again. I stood up and a combination of ease and self awareness slowly crept over me. I left the tracks that day for the very last time.