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I once knew a girl who walked as if she were dancing on clouds. Every ounce of her was bright and beautiful. Not once did she have a problem with anyone… ever. She lived across the street from me, as children we would play together but as time went by our paths went separate ways. I never really knew what she did, but I was quite certain she was wasting her time. Her lifestyle seemed to so frivolous, she never seemed to focus her time and energy on anything deemed important. I remember spending my time at the library watching the world go by as I tried to keep my grades at a 4.0 gpa average, doing just what I was told to do by every adult I knew while she... didn't. And for the longest time during my highschool years I hated her and her carefree attitude. I remember watching her in school floating through the halls with no care in the world. I would have never admitted it then but I was jealous. My life was so full of stress trying to stay at the standards everyone held against me. I'd stand in the mirror and watch this darkness loom over my shoulders slowly consuming my body meanwhile across the street there she was this girl shining brightly and enjoying every second of her life... Every inch of my being wanted to find something wrong with her. I wanted to know that she wasn't as perfect as she seemed but from where I was standing... She was perfect.

Her whole persona screamed hippie. She wore beautiful sundresses, flower crowns on her head and lovely crystals around her neck. There wasn't a time in which a smile left her face. The fact that she seemed to never get upset angered me more. Thinking back at it now if I hadn’t focused so much on hating her I could’ve learned a thing or two from her a lot sooner than I did.

There was this one day where I had a full blown melt down outside of my house, I had just taken a practice test for the SATs and I hadn’t done so well. I was beating myself up all day, I felt so stupid and worthless. I remember my mother telling me to get over it and to take out the trash. As I threw the bag into the trashcan it ripped and the trash went everywhere… I lost it. Nothing felt right so I just sat at the steps of my house bawling my eyes out.

“Hey” a soft voice appeared from the distance, I remember wiping my tears and slowly looking up at this girl with a bright colored dress and shoes covered in flowers staring down at me with a soft smile. A bright light seemed to beam from her face ,

“Hi,” I answered, trying to hide my puffy face as if I hadn't just made a spectacle of myself. “Do you want to go for a drive?” was all she said. I looked back at her confused, we hadn’t hung out in years yet there she was acting as if we were friends. Her eyes were filled with empathy rather than judgement. I stood up and glared at her “why would I want to go on a drive with you?” I asked.

She snickered and shrugged “You seem to need a distraction”. I scoffed at her for a second, but she was right. So we left. We got into her 1998 black Lexus, another thing I was jealous of and drove off. The car ride stayed quiet. I leaned against the window and just watched the world pass. I could hear her softly humming to herself as she drove. “Where are we going?” I asked her after driving for ten minutes. She smiled softly “the beach” she said. “I’m not dressed for the beach,” I said. She shrugged “doesn’t matter” she said. She was in a bright sunflower dress while I was in jeans and a t-shirt. I sat back and stared out the window again. What the hell am I doing? I asked myself. Although I was slightly nervous for just leaving home on a whim, being in that car with her seemed right.

After arriving at the beach she began walking away from it. “The beach is that way” I remember telling her as she walked the other way. My anxiety grew even larger. She giggled as she twirled around and stared at me. “Just follow me dude.” she said before turning back around. I was terrified but I did as I was told, what else was I to do? She was my ride home. We walked for a few minutes before finding ourselves at the bottom of a small hill. “I’ve never seen this part of the beach before” I said as we started walking up. “Yeah. not a lot of people know about this part of the beach. Everyone just follows the signs.” she answered as she began to walk uphill. “But the signs are important,” I said following her. She giggled “sometimes” she said. I remember thinking that not only was she carefree but she was careless. At the very top she plopped down and took a deep breath with the largest smile on her face. I sat down next to her “How are you so… you?” I asked her. “What do you mean?” she asked. “You’re so carefree, you don’t seem to worry about anything” I told her. She continued to smile as she looked out to the distance. “I worry,” she answered. I looked at the direction she was looking, in the distance you can see a group of people playing on the beach. “Why don’t you show it?” I asked. She continued to watch the group of people on the beach below us. The waves crashed and the sun burned my face. She took a hot minute to answer my question. “You see those people over there?” she asked as she pointed. I nodded in confusion, why were these people important in any way to my question? “Do you think they worry about anything?” she asked. “Probably.” I answered. “Do you think that they would be enjoying each other’s company if they were to be constantly talking about their worries right now?” she asked. I looked over at the group, “I guess not” I answered. “Exactly.” she said. I stared at her as she stared at me, “I have depression” she said softly while picking up a handful of sand and letting it slip through her fingers. “Really?” I asked her in complete shock. She nodded her head and stared off into the distance once more. Suddenly her carefree expressions changed and a feeling of worry filled my chest. Did I break her? I thought to myself as she bit her lip and stayed quiet. She looked down with a serious look on her face “I taught myself to ignore my worries because... what's the point of keeping them around?” she said running her fingers through the sand. I blankly stared at her, she was right. What was the point of letting my worries consume me? all I ever did was let my worries show and I felt nothing but loneliness. Every part of my being was focused on my future, I never tried to sit back and relax and enjoy anyone’s company. We sat quietly for a while, I felt the cold ocean wind flow through my hair. “So how long have you had it?” I asked her. She snickered “My whole life I guess. But it wasn’t confirmed until a few years ago.” She said leaning back. “Do… Do you take medication?” I asked. “And this is why I don’t tell anyone. ” she said. I stared at her in shock “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…” I stuttered. For the first time in a long time she seemed angry. I made her angry. Of course I made her angry. “I know you didn’t mean to, but this is why I keep things to myself. I’m more than my depression” she said standing up and wiping the sand off her legs. “Life is stressful enough without having everyone worrying about what's going on in your brain...” she said looking down at me. “I get you,” I said softly. I stood up next to her as she stared at the group of people who were now lounging around the beach. Her attitude seemed to change, she now seemed to have some sort of weight on her shoulders pushing her down. I stared at her from head to toe. I felt as if I was looking at a whole different person. “How bad is it?” I asked her. She shrugged, that seemed to be her answer to everything. “Sometimes it gets to me. The worries make me want to end it all. But then I remind myself that there are still other options.” she said. “Like what?” I asked. “Like coming here.” she said. “I’m sorry” I said. She smiled “For what?”, “judging you” I said. She chuckled “it is what it is. Now can you stop staring at me?” I smiled at her, how was she so strong? She took a deep breath and let out a large sigh “Let’s go get shakes” she said before running down the hill with a giggle. I turned back over at the beach, I took a deep breath and followed her down.

That day was one of the best days of my senior year experience. It was the first day I let go of all worries and insecurities and just lived in the moment. After that day she would force me to put down my books at least once a month and head up that hill then get shakes afterwards. She taught me how to be a teenager and enjoy life. On graduation day she wore so many leis she looked like a flower; it was the happiest I had ever seen her. I was so excited for what was to become of us. But, sadly she took her own life a few months later. As much as she tried to stop them, her worries became too much. Alongside her body was a note that although had no name on it I know she had left it to me.

“I ran out of options” was all it said.

I hold our beach trips close to my heart and on the anniversary of her death I head up that hill on my own in a bright floral dress and I write down a list of things I could do to make my life better. Wishing everyday to have her walk up here with me and be able to remind her that there are always options...