Loving Him

To the outside world it was just a simple attachment. Boy meets girl, boy and girl become friends, boy and girl catch feelings, boy and girl lose feelings. The same old drawn out story. But to me it was much bigger than that. You see for years I spent my time alone wondering if I was even capable of love anymore. I had crushes, yes but I never really thought I could find myself actually loving someone. I kept things inside in order not to seem sad and desperate. I wanted people to believe I didn’t care about finding love. I hated the world, and hated the thought of having to settle down in some mediocre life with someone just to not be alone. And then I convinced myself that I was actually better off alone. Love seemed like a scam.

Until he showed up…

Then my eyes were opened up to a whole different perspective. That attention that everyone so desired and I thought I despised I began to crave. My heart no longer felt cold, my soul was no longer lonely. I spent so much time convincing myself that I didn’t want that warm and fuzzy feeling running through my chest until I had it and then I never wanted to let that go. I didn’t realize how much I compromised myself in order to keep my hold on those feelings. I didn’t realize how desperate I was to be loved. And yes I know I am loved but this was a different kind of love. This was in my eyes an extraordinary love for he was the first man I didn’t feel irritated by. He did not make me feel inferior for being a woman, or for being depressed. He never showed anger towards me when I went into my dark place. He was my light that somehow brought me out of there. The way he spoke to me made me feel safe and secure with myself and with him. The promises he made although now I realize were impossible seemed fathomable. The more we spent our time together the harder it was to see a life with anyone but him. My heart felt so full, my days seemed so much brighter. His voice soothed me, his laughter was music to my ears, anything he did just seemed to make everything so much better. I loved everything about him, even his flaws. He flooded my heart with these wonderful feelings. Feelings I did not want to let go of, feelings that in the back of my head I knew could come to an end but I needed to do whatever it took to not let that happen. Life was hard but it really didn’t matter because I had him supporting me. I held on so tightly trying not to lose this warm and wonderful sensation I hadn’t realized I lost grip of who I was. I played it off to everyone else because I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want people to take off my rose colored glasses and show me the red flags. I created this fairytale story in my head and I was beside myself trying to keep it going. To the outside world we only lasted a few months, no big deal. But in reality I loved him for such a long time. I had done whatever I could to not let my walls down with him but he did whatever he could to break them down. He bursted me out of my own bubble and showed me I was capable of love and capable of being loved.

That cold persona I developed had slowly disappeared and I became vulnerable. I still hated the world but I was more optimistic of it as I had him by my side. When it all ended and that happiness I so wanted to keep a hold of suddenly seemed to have disappeared I became scared. I lost myself in the depths of my own despair as I tried to figure out where it all went wrong and how I was able to lose my grip. Those walls that protected me before were no longer there and I was terrified. Terrified of having to go into the world alone, terrified of having to let go of everything we spent so long trying to build up together. Terrified of seeing the future that no longer had him in it.

It’s a strange sensation losing a love you somewhat knew wouldn’t last but really hoped it would. Because in the back of your mind you’re telling yourself that you were right. You knew this was going to happen because nothing good ever lasts. But your heart is screaming as it slowly breaks into a million pieces because even though you were slightly prepared for this outcome your desire for it to not happen was much greater. I don’t know when I will finally move on from this. But I do know and as irritating as it is that this was a learning experience. I learned I am not as cold hearted as I thought, I learned that I can be vulnerable and loving. I learned what to expect from myself the next time I learn to love again. I also learned that I myself still have a lot of growing to do. I also learned that the end of this relationship was both our faults. No one can tell me otherwise, I lost myself when it ended but as I slowly start to find myself again I realize that we both were in a strange place emotionally. We both forced ourselves to keep on our rose colored glasses. We both lost ourselves trying to hold on to something we didn’t think we could have.

Maybe this was a case of the right person at the wrong time. Or it was a start for us, a start to a new version of ourselves. We paved each other’s paths to finding our true happiness. I miss him dearly. But I hope he finds his happiness even if it is no longer with me.

To the world it is another drawn out love story but to me it was an epic love story that ended in tragedy.