One Date Diva: California Nightmarin'

I lived in Los Angeles for two years; you think there would be a ton of guys - only two crossed my path. In true Karyn Beach fashion, both were memorable for all the wrong reasons.

The Tongue Rammer

I went online and met a fellow writer. I didn’t find him attractive, but he was funny and smart. The attractiveness would come, so my girlfriends said.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve like cute boys. What does cute mean? It means cute to me! You might not find them cute, but I don’t care. If they are cute to me that is all that matters.

I was chastised by my girls because I didn’t find him attractive and was willing to write him off. As a woman, they told me, I should be able to look beyond appearances. Huh? No man I know of and no man I’ve dated has looked beyond appearances. You might not find me cute, but they did.

Steve and I were still friends at the time, so I asked him. “If you thought I was smart, nice and funny but you didn’t find me attractive, would we have dated?” No was his answer.

I needed a more definitive answer, so I called Dad. “Daddy, do I have to date guys I don’t find attractive?” He said no.

End of discussion. These chicks were wrong, but I’d give this guy a chance anyway. Why did I do that?

We met at Starbucks. His pictures did him justice and I still didn’t find him attractive. I also found him very arrogant. He walked me to my car, and I delicately avoided what was building up to be a very awkward situation. Luckily, the date ended without a lip lock.

I defended myself to my girlfriends, but they insisted that I let him down easy and in person.

We met again at Starbucks. He started telling me that he’d told his mother about me. She gave him advice about how to ‘win me.’ Apparently, he and mom had an extensive conversation about the woman who was about to blow him off.

Finally, I get my chance. I give him the spiel. “Our chemistry isn’t what it should be. I just don’t see us moving forward,” I begin. He abruptly jumps up and storms out. Seriously, it was like something straight out of reality TV! I guess I should have been glad he didn’t turn over a table. His exit was so dramatic that other patrons peered over their lattes at me. I slowly gathered my things and left. As I am walking, he comes up behind me, apologizing. I stuck to my guns. By this point, we are at my car, as I’m about to get in, he grabs me, spins me around and kisses me. Within a second, his tongue is tickling my tonsils, I push him back.

I don’t know if this swashbuckling act was part of his mother’s advice, but it didn’t work.

Ramming your tongue down someone’s throat usually doesn’t lead to love, or even lust.

The Church Boy

I went to West Angeles Church of God in Christ. While I was there, it was over 30,000 members strong. Dad always said to find a guy in church. This might have worked back in his day but now? Church is filled with married men and their wives. Many of these men are faithful but some of them are looking for a good Christian side piece. When a good-looking single guy shows up in the pews, single sisters will cut you for the chance to get at him. Seriously, a girl can get hurt.

The Bible says a man who find a wife finds a good thing. There is something to be said for laying at his feet or jumping right in front of them. You can definitely be ‘found’ that way!

My philosophy is different. The man who wants me, wants to be with me. I refuse to compete or jockey for position to ‘win’ some man’s attention. A lot of women would say that is why I’m single. Maybe they’re right. But what I am is happy. Happy is my goal. Single and happy is where I am now. If I get married, I want married and happy, not married and miserable.

I was in Los Angeles in September 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit. Between temp gigs, I had time to volunteer to sort through the mountain of donations we’d taken in for Katrina victims. Church Boy was there every day. He was my type: cute face, athletic, a little burly. We flirted daily. Friday was my last day and he asked for my phone number.

I gave it to him, and I didn’t get a number back, I got an explanation. He couldn’t give me his number because they couldn’t get calls in the halfway house. You see, he was a recovering drug addict.

Once he had my number, he had no problem using it. He called me several times. Each time, I talked to him. I didn’t want to be the reason he relapsed.

Yet, the more we talked, the more interested he became. “I need a good Christian woman like you.” I tried to tell him that his focus should be on recovery and building his own life. Finding a job, getting his own place, and not so much on getting a woman.

But he insisted on continuing the pursuit. It culminated one Friday night/Saturday morning. My phone rang after midnight. When you live away from home and you get a middle of the night call, you bolt up expecting the worse.

I looked at the phone and saw it was him, annoyed, I tried to go back to sleep. I had just gotten back to sleep when the phone rang again. This time, I turned the phone off.

The next morning, Marty was getting a haircut. It was first come, first service, so we were headed out to the groomers early. I turned on the phone and was greeted by five messages from the night before.

Message #1 – Church Boy wished I could come by his momma’s house and pick him up.

Message #2 – This time my suitor turned deejay. He said he was playing a song he dedicated me. It was the original version of If This World Were Mine, not the Luther Vandross/Cheryl Lynn version.

Message #3 – I pride myself on my musical knowledge regardless of genre (except Country), as good as I am with Old School R&B, I had no idea what the song he played for me was.

Message #4 – Just in case music didn’t get me, the Bible would sway the Christian girl. Only he couldn’t find the passage. This message was about 2 – 3 minutes of him flipping through pages of the Bible looking for this elusive passage.

Message #5 – He found it! Now Church Boy was wooing me with Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon), the only sensual Bible book. I got to hear about how my breasts were like two fawns.

Neither the music nor the Bible worked. As politely and softly as I could, I let him know that the union between him and this Church Girl was never to be.