...on the corner of the page

I sit down with pen in hand to write a letter to you. It's been too long, so much has happened. There is so much I want to tell you, so much I want to know but when I put pen to paper the words aren’t there.

So many images flash through my mind. Memories of happier times. I remember the way it felt to put my arms around you. The way you looked at me and the way you changed me. These are so fresh in my mind despite the passage of time. I wonder if you ever realized the effect you had on me.

I am who I am because of you. I am grateful for the time we had and I can’t help but wonder what might have been had a couple choices been made differently. I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I shared many of my firsts with you and I hope they meant what you claimed they did. I hope you meant the words you said.

You meant so much to me during the short time we shared and I think in some ways I may have meant more than I realized to you.

We loved each other. We hurt each other, though I don’t think either of us really intended to. We were young and naïve (as much as we believed otherwise). I’ve grown and I’ve changed but you’re one I’ve never forgotten. An impression imprinted within me that forms the pattern going forward. What I think I know and what my body knows and how that plays out today.

I don’t know if you think of me but I hope that if you do it’s with a smile. I think of you with fondness and a bit of sadness. I wonder where life’s taken you and if our paths will ever cross again. Did you let go of chains you carried? Have you stepped up for yourself or do you keep repeating patterns? Is it weird for me to still feel connected despite the fact that I wouldn’t claim to know you anymore?

We’re connected by the past, a shared piece of time. Adolescent love and heartbreak. The magic of the moments that we hope will last forever - though they never do. The earth keeps turning, life keeps moving, and we go along making choices (or we get dragged along reluctantly...)

At the present, I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing and I have no idea what the future is going to bring. Maybe we'll see each other again, maybe we won't. Maybe all we had is all we get in this lifetime. And maybe whatever happens is exactly what needs to happen for each of us. What I do know is that you left footprints on my heart and I will never forget that. I will not forget what we shared and what it meant at the time. And with time, the ache will fade, the lessons will stay, and the magic of a moment lives on through memories.

I’m sorry for any pain I caused you and if I failed to hold strong when you reached for me. I’m sorry I let my own pain get the best of me. I hope that you know I never wanted anything but the best for you. I tried to understand… and I know more now about life and living and the magic it encapsulates. Hang on to the good times, hold on through the tough times, keep the lessons, heal the wound. Express love in abundance.

So much time has past and I stare at a blank page while a tear drops off my face, leaving a small mark on the corner of the page. I am at a loss for words…