Okasan

I don't know what to say sometimes. Words do not describe the depth of feeling that I understand when I think about you. My memories are convoluted and maybe, I am confused. But I wear many faces and adapt to the complexity that you showed me. Your intuition is uncanny: I did not realise until you presented me with looming death.

I often wonder what your past was. How did you live and how did you survive? I cannot relate to the way you suffered because I know...you sacrificed for me to live. But then I resent you, perhaps wrongly. At what point does your sacrifice become my sacrifice? And how do I know who I am to you and you to me? Is there a line?

It doesn't really matter, I don't think. As life seems to ebb and flow, so too does my mind. I feel ecstatic with electric pulses that formed for the first time in your womb. You carried me within and I cannot imagine what that means, to someone like you. When I broke your back and took your legs, you did not complain. You waited to regain.

Rebel with a cause. Unapologetically, you ask me why I am strange. And I would hold a mirror to your face. Because clearly, you forget who you are. You abandoned your home to fight for freedom, yet you chain yourself to unchartered grounds. They say history repeats itself and I am telling you - you make history, Okasan.

The greatness of your power...I fear the wrath that exudes when you strike this world with anger. Deep wounds that demand attention - over and over. Relentless. Matched only by your passion to hope. For better, you grind...stretch your being across vast plains, to water arid lands where most people would only know to pray.

I cannot but stand in awe at your beauty, your ability to give and sustain vitality. In spite of splintering pain that picks at your skin so gradually that no-one notices, but me. Because I feel you. And I know you. Somehow I live by you in spirit. No matter where you go, I linger for you. For Love and All.

It brings me comfort when I remember that subtlety is vast when it's colour is grey. That shadows are formed from stark opposites merged. I think you taught me how to see. To see multi-dimensions and appreciate the world as it is - unsimplified and integrated. Individually replicated by itself.

I don't know the rest of the story. But I anticipate more. I hesitate to take bold steps when fear and control threaten existence. And I laugh at myself sometimes because I cannot distinguish whether I am bad or good. But I find myself questioning the nature of our love when it is hard, and I am freed once I find the other side.

Is this punishment for your deeds? Because I cannot bear the burden of understanding that it is so. God is cruel and God is kind. It all makes sense in and amongst the nonsense, to the discerning eye. But we are tired and lazy. Life is soft and still or hard and fast. I just don't know where you choose to put yourself and if I stand beside you. No matter, I will walk along.

I don't know how things go. But I know they will. I am ready for the day that you are no longer here, physically. Because I have been with my thoughts and my body. And I watch you as you struggle and thrive. We are fine. We have each other. And I love you as you love me. Forever.