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Now That I Am Older Than Dirt

by Kim Hastings 4 years ago in family / humanity / advice

And how did that happen?

Get off my lawn.

I was young just a couple of days ago. I'm sure of it. I know because I put on my boss medallion and went to a Ban the Bomb protest. I burned my draft card! It was right there under my AARP card.

Maybe it was more than a couple of days ago.

Ah, it isn't so bad. In fact, there are some things to be said for getting old. For example, I was blessed by some angels on my dorm room wall when I was in college...

I Borrowed Them From Charlie

Left to right, Jacklyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett, and Kate Jackson.

...and I got to drive this when it was new.

Street Cred, Anyone?

1976 Pontiac Trans-Am

Mostly, though, the number of candles on my birthday cake has brought wisdom. Things I thought I knew when I was young... not so much. Things I didn't know when my hair was dark and my face unlined have come to me. Here then, a partial list of things I have learned since becoming as old as a speed limit.

The Mattress Tag Warning is Fake News

You will not be chased into the corner of Hell and waterboarded if you tear off the mattress tag. Those tags contain secret messages from the manufacturer to the retailer. (It's a need to know thing, well above your pay grade.) You should feel free to remove the tag and use it as a facial tissue if you wish.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise DOES NOT Make a Man Healthy, Wealthy, or Wise

This is an old wives' tale started when we were an agrarian society. And, if your morning begins with the manual feeding of 2,000 chickens up you get! For most, though, nothing interesting happens until 9 a.m. and you're not going to have a creative thought until an hour after that. Stay in bed as long as you can. That way you won't miss late-night educational programming.

Much Can Be Learned from Late-Night Educational Programming

There's No Such Thing as a Lie When Your Wife Asks if She is Looking Older

This is covered by the Geneva Convention, paragraph four, line two. Your lovely wife is as beautiful today as when she was a dewy-eyed ingenue atop the high school Homecoming float. Remember, the lines on her face are mirrored by the bags under your eyes, and she doesn't mention those.

Most of Your Best Ideas Will Fall on Deaf Ears

How do I know this? Daylight Savings Time is how I know this. What could be wrong with this idea? When it is time to turn the clocks back in November, let's turn them back 1/2 HOUR, and leave them there forever! No one would feel the need to pile up sleep hours for a week before the change. You wouldn’t hear your co-workers whining about adjusting to something that has happened twice annually every year of their lives! Tell me how this wouldn't be better for everyone. That's what I'm talking about!

Karma is Real and She is a Hard Taskmistress

The year was 1983. I was in a car with my girlfriend. We stopped at a convenience store for a snack. In juggling the door lock, car keys, and Pepsi I spilled some soft drink on my shirt. She called me a slob, and immediately spilled barbecued chicken on her blouse.

Mmmm, Tasty

Mmmm, messy

So remember, the driver at whom you fly the bird in heavy traffic has a daughter. She will grow up to marry your son. Together they will, or will not, take care of you when you get old.

That's what I have for today. I'm sure there is more to say but it's time for Metamucil and my nap.


Berry Burst! Yummy!

So, be good to yourself and be good to one another. Except for the Millennials. Who can understand them?

Kim Hastings
Kim Hastings
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Kim Hastings

I am a four-time novelist from Tacoma who writes, virtually, every day of my life. I have written extensively for, and write Arts and Entertainment in the South Puget Sound area for I'm married to the lovely Jeri.

See all posts by Kim Hastings

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