Never, Have I Never

My love life is officially dead at the moment. It is in the process of an emotional "celebration" of life to then bury it and forget it exist for the rest of my life. During the silence of loneliness, my mind was gathering all the memories I had with my dysfunctional relationships with guys. From my first kiss at 16, all the way to my last boyfriend who cheated on me by being with his baby momma. There were incidents in which I was the wild, rebellious full-fledged feminist under false pretense, and 12 long excruciating years of unhappy marriage, I tried to make it work each and every one. And yet I had an glimpse of hope, that someone would take me as his wife once again after my relationships collapsed.

But once again, the more you aged, the more it stays the same.

Remembering when I was in my 30's, the abandonment, the rejection, the humiliation of finding out the truth of their intentions, caused my self-esteem, my confidence and my spunk of life to dwindle periodically. There were times where the alcohol and some weed and some pills were my lone companions during my early stages of singleness. Where the show "Sex and the City" were my inspiration and motivation to "enjoy" my singleness when I was in my 30's. Instead, my reality was turned into "Tales from the Crypt" where the guys I met (before Online Dating) wanted the thrill of being with someone exotic for a few hours, but after the sun comes out, they go into their regular scheduled life where I'm left lonely, fooled and forgotten. Their words and promises where convincing, while their actions proved otherwise. And I'm the one picking up the broken plates, every time.

Never, have I Never: Had a Traditional Wedding

The one that friends and families gather at a big old church while I walked down the aisle in beautiful wedding dress that would be empowering, accomplished, valued, cherished and loved. Where my future husband will shed tears of joy at the sight of watching me walking down towards the altar. It is an event that I want to experience because it is the beginning of my life with someone that actually chose me and want to get to the next step. So, far I didn't have that. I got married in a small courthouse, didn't have a honeymoon and have to go to work the next day.

Never, Have I Never: Be Given a Dozen Roses.

Roses are symbols of pure passionate love and romantic affection. Most dozen roses are costly so they know who will receive these flowers. When someone, a friend or a co-worker, receives these marvelous flowers on a nice beautiful vase with a note attached to it or post that nice gesture on social media, I basically turn green with envy. Envy turned into pity, and pity turned into low-self esteem. And I wish I could have those things, at least one rose.

Never, Have I Never: Being Taken on a Night on a Town

Once again one of my friends told me, she had a blast with her boyfriend taking her to a 5 star fancy restaurant to then have fun at a comedy club to later go dancing the night away. Honestly, chain restaurants including fast food, that's all I'm worth. And I have to foot the bill, 95% of the time. And fancy restaurants are impossible while single. Being alone on a night or day on a town is awkward and discouraging. Staying at home will be fine.

Never, Have I Never: Had a True Connection

Chemistry has to be there, but if there's no connection, everything is fake. The chatting, their intentions, their whole goal. Connection is trust. Connection is respect. Connection is consideration. Connecting towards sex in today's world is easy. But connecting towards activities that enrich, motivate, grow each other, girl, that shit is rare!

Never, Have I Never: Being Provided Or Being Taking Care by a Man In Every Sense of the Word

I had been the Independent woman that could and for that, either, I'm fearful from insecure men or being taken advantage of my kindness and my small resources to lazy, broke guys. My past relationships have been, me, the breadwinner while I help them, motivate them to stand on their feet while I was losing parts of myself and some money in the process. But these guys got me fooled (shame on me) I left them hot and dry (shame on them).

Never, Have I Never: Had an expensive Engagement/Marriage Ring

While you Bridezillas complain about your ring isn't flashy or have the style you wanted, I was worth $65.00 on two rings. Two men proposed (Not on bending knee) during my life. One ended the relationship pressured by my controlling mother while the other I ended because he wasn't sure what he wanted in the future. Both men married later on, both were divorced, while I'm still with no ring but at least I'm grateful in a wicked sense of humor!

And last but no least and more important

Never Have I Never: Men Taking Their First Move.

If I like a guy, I used to go and try to have a conversation with the person, but it doesn't end on positive terms. This is just an example, I was in a singles group in a pub where there were a sports game on their big screens. There was a guy in the bar area which I liked so I grab a paper napkin, wrote my name and my phone number with his favorite team cheerleading on, and gave it to him personally. After 5 minutes and a trip to the ladies room, I came back at the table and long and behold the napkin that I wrote for this loser came back like magic. I felt humiliated. More humiliated were my so called single friends were telling me: "Maybe, he is married or have a GF" Instead of telling me: "It's his loss. You're better than him." or something encouraging to make that night a little bit nicer. But no, I left defeated, and left the singles group eventually. But waiting for a man to do the first move in a feminist world, requires courage, drive and intention that many guys today lacked. It was always and the normal that women hunt for their prey, and in many cases, they (the men) just look the other way and ignore it. It practically emasculates them. Doing this, and feeling rejected by the opposite sex causes our self-esteem to be crushed. Or in other cases you feel like a ghost or like you don't exist.

So right now 20 somethings, if you complained about every single pity stupid, vain reason meeting the opposite sex at least, be grateful! Be grateful you are going to be chosen to be a wife by a man who will bend over backwards for you to make you his queen in his life. Let him find you, let him take the first step, let him take care of you. Let him be the leader of your world. There's nothing wrong about him being the leader, what's wrong is stealing his power. Don't even claim to be the independent woman who controls everything and everyone. Be feminine, be protective or your treasure! Be faithful and loyal. Avoid feminism at all cost!

Never Have I Never: Slow dance, romanced and swept off my feet.

At least you have that chance of these things. I would do anything to get that feeling of being appreciated, protected and loved.