My TOP 3 Polyamorous Lessons

I met a boy. And he was handsome, fun and intriguing. And unorthodox.

He presented me with the idea of open relating. The relating where it is not just you and your partner but rather a bunch of others, depending on your interests.

Many call it polyamory as well. As it is okay. However if you dig deeper, there are all sort of nuances these words present. As polyamory being only when you are in love with all of your partners, you don't really look for purely physical connections. Open relating encompasses to me more genres. Because there is swinging, there is polyandry, polygyny, those who are monogam-ish, and far more... all having different meaning.

But the lessons are often somewhat similar because in its simplicity, open relating takes everything you know about relating, everything you were brought up with and throws it out the window.

All of the 'you can love only one person', 'being intimate with another is cheating' or 'it is only one partner forevermore' - all of those get blasted and challenged. And ultimately redefined.

Open relating is like this ultimate social experiment of what LOVE truly is.

It is not for everyone. And there is no point for everyone to try.

BUT!

There are some incredible insights it can open you up to.

These are my TOP 3.

NUMBER 1 - ASKING RATHER THAN ASSUMING WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP

I have never realised how conditioned I am in approaching men. My whole internal narrative was about this particular sequence - you date - you become intimate - you move in together - you get engaged & married - you have kids - you grow old.

That is the automatic timeline we are brought up with. Never once are we asked how do we want our life to look like. What do we desire? What is really important to us? And also - HOW DO YOU WANT TO RELATE?

What is your thing when it comes to relating?

Do you actually want one partner or NOT? - Question I have never asked. The only way general public talks about it is cheating which always end bad because it is grounded in lying. No good.

What if you rather CHOOSE?

One partner or many? Would you like to have primary partner you live with and then others for dating? Do you want to be intimate with one person or more? Or one partner sexually and then very-close-nakedness-is-okay relationships? Do you want to be together all the time or you want months apart? Are you okay to say you love only one person or is that limiting to you? Do you want to live together or not?

What do YOU WANT?

It is a question monogamous relationship don't ask. I learned to ask in open relating. And it allowed me to define what the heck do I really want. Like really really want.

NUMBER 2 - SELF-RESPONSIBILITY IS THE KING

There is nothing more poetic that relationships where partners depend on each other! For everything! (Hope you note the sarcasm)

There is a healthy level of dependence on others and there is an unhealthy one! More often than not, monogamy perceives the partner as a provider of all - the emotional, the physical, the spiritual, the fun - layers.

Your partner is assumed to be there when you feel off, you feel sick, you want someone to hang with, to be there to support your growth, to support you in making meals or bringing cash home.. whatever it is. We expect so much!

I love that open relating has taught me self-responsibility. And understanding than not one person is capable of being there for me in all areas. They are only human, not super-human.

So take this example. I may feel like I need to talk some things out. But my partner has an important project due at work. So instead of being mad about him not being available, I assume self-responsibility. I can be compassionate to him because he is really trying his best and he is not able to be there for me. But that does not mean that I have to just shut myself out. If I don't rely only on one person, I tend to build a whole support network. So what do I do?

I either take time solo and journal or have a bath. If that does not sound right, I reach out to my friends, family or other lovers to be there for me.

In open relating, if one lover is not available, it is okay to reach to another. And the one busy is actually GRATEFUL for having someone else to take care of you when they cannot. Not pissed or angry, but grateful.

Open relating is a collective caring for one another.

NUMBER 3 - JEALOUSY CAN BE OVERCOME

I have seen many people believe that jealousy just happens to be and there is nothing to do about it.

I strongly DISAGREE.

Jealousy is an emotion. It is here expressively telling that something is aggravating you. So what is it?

When I started open relating, I had to be really honest with myself. I noticed that the jealousy has nothing to do with the other person. It is not about them. But about me.

The jealousy was a way to cast a judgement on them because I might have felt threatened that they will be better than I and will draw my partner away. But that was only in my head and it often is - my or your imagination of what will happen. No matter how many times your partner tells you that you are loved and you are safe. We all know too many stories when it went wrong to feel okay all the time.

And it is simple INSECURITY followed by COMPARISON.

I feel insecure next to them because when I look at me and the other woman, she is better than me. In some aspect that I perceive.

It might be her confidence, her looks, her style, her smile, her fun attitude to life. Whatever it is - this is what you want to pay attention to. Name it! What is the thing that you are jealous of?

And then bring it BACK TO YOU. How can you bring more of that to your life? How can you become as confident as her? How can you feel better in your skin?

THAT IS THE MEDICINE.

Once you sort it out for yourself, there is no more reason to be jealous. You will learn that you are as good as her. In fact, you will start to notice the beauty of each of your flavours and their uniqueness. And you will learn that you are the ONE AND ONLY that is as you are. PERFECT. If your partner walks away, it has nothing to do with you. They just chose. You offer your UNIQUE SELF, in all of it. And that is all you can do.

If that is not enough for someone, you want to leave them too :)

.

And that my friends is what I have learned. Just a snippet of it but profound lessons that have forever changed my life.

Thanks for reading xx

Thank