MY STORY

Ok real talk time… I used to think I had some kind of disorder where my brain released too much serotonin. I have just been a naturally high energy, happy person kinda forever but especially in the last few years. Near the end of high school I “found Jesus” and I lived my life with enthusiasm. I felt so much love and joy. Since high school I served an 18 month mission for my church, I lived in NY for a year having the time of my life. I moved to Utah in September to live with my best friends and start a new adventure. I’ve definitely experienced hard things throughout life but for the most part I’ve always been amazed at how blessed I am and loved living.

Everything seems perfect and free and fun and simple right!?? Now for the real talk part because we all know that life can’t just be easy and perfect. Hard things happen to all of us. Btw I’m scared out of my mind to talk about this.

On October 25th I went to a Halloween party then met up with a boy later that night. I was with him for 30 min.

We can all have an involuntary flight or fight response to dangerous situations.these responses are out of our control. In some traumatic situations like a bear attack or often with sexual assault our survival instincts take over and another common response is to freeze. Our brains try to disassociate. That night I froze. I eventually started pushing back harder after my initial attempts were ignored and was able to leave. I was crying before I got to my car. I’d never had sex before that night. I don’t remember much of the drive home; I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I didn’t know where to go. One of my angel friends knew I had been with a boy and when I texted her she woke up to check for my text. We went to the hospital and were there through the night for about 10 hours answering questions; Having them examine me and take pictures and DNA swabs everywhere and just waiting for the next person to come in and make me tell all the details of my story. I didn’t even fully understand that I had actually been raped until the nurses and advocates listening to my story and performing the tests told me that is what had happened. They gave me medication for the next couple days to help prevent pregnancy and STIs. A police officer came in to get a report and I decided that week to go forward with attempting to press charges. On Thursday October 28th I went to the police station to give my official statement. Another time telling the details of my experience and answering questions about the most vulnerable and traumatic experience I’d ever had. It’s now been almost 9 months. My case is still being reviewed. It’s likely this boy will never see a day of court for this case. I’ve recently learned how normal this is for the victims of assault to be the only ones suffering consequences. Only about 20% of rape or sexual assault is reported. Of those only a small % is accepted by attorneys to actually press charges. That means that on average in the us; out of 1000 sexual assaults (reported and otherwise) only 13 cases are even sent to a prosecutor & 7 end up being convicted. So 993 of those 1000 perpetrators go Unpunished, walking away with no consequences. By that point those 7 victims of reported cases that are actually accepted, are each likely out a good $200,000 and the perp potentially serves 1-20 years where they are likely to only learn habits that will keep them even farther from being contributing members of society. Is anyone else feeling frustrated or angry yet?

A month or so back a friend reached out to me just catching up and let me know that on social media I looked so good, like I was glowing and having so much fun. I’ve never wanted to add to the fake comparison aspect of social media so At first this comment made me feel guilt for making it seem like I was thriving online while the reality was that I’d been going through absolute hell and had in fact been fighting for my life through the ptsd, depression and anxiety that had seemed to take over my life. I was drowning.

After some thought however I was proud. I fought HARD for all of those happy moments that others were seeing on Instagram. I was drowning, but through mine and my friends efforts, I managed to find some joyful and almost fun moments to document. All the times I seemed happy on Instagram were times I’d noticeably felt some relief from the constant brokenness and hopelessness that had become my whole life.

It’s gotten easier. I’ve finally started feeling things like anger rather then just despair and shame. I don’t spend every day wishing I could die. I almost always want to live and go forward. I want to fight even though so many moving pieces make it seem hopeless.

I have a lot of things I’m still figuring out. I’ve had a lot of other let downs and heartbreak and disappointment in the last few months that have given me the feeling that the world is against me and I’ll never catch a break. But I’m surviving and healing. That’s a cool thing about humans and life; even when you’re still getting beaten down, you can heal from other wounds through the new beatings.

I’ve learned a lot recently about the psychological effects of trauma, About sexual assault and rape, About healing and coping, About rape culture and victim blaming , About myself and my own reactions to being outside of my window of tolerance. I’m still learning. I’m still struggling. Dating is hard. Socializing is hard. My relationship with God is hard. Focusing and working are hard. Self esteem is hard. Self care is hard. Friendships are hard. Opening up is hard. Trust and vulnerability are HARD. Physical touch and intimacy are hard. Forgiveness & healing are really hard. I don’t know how to get through it all yet. I don’t even know if I will get through it or what it looks like on the “other side” whatever that means. But I do know that there is something for me to fight in this world and I’m learning every day. I don’t want anyone to feel this. I can’t do much to change the world and it’s problems or our justice system, but I want to share what I’ve learned about ways to stay safe and heal and fight against rape culture.