My Life Needs No Embellishments

So, one night I was staying up late watching the remake of the Nightmare on Elm Street. I’ve never seen the remake, but I love the original movie so much (not the sequels) and decided to give it a chance.

That was my first mistake because the remake was terrible. Oh my god it is an awful piece of mad grab for cash garbage.

The second mistake was watching the Witch. I didn't like the Witch in theaters but decided to give it another chance. Which was my third mistake because its terrible. That is definitely going to be another article because I have at least 1,000 words for that abomination.

But I love horror movies, especially the classics, so I must try to watch them all. And Supernatural, that show got me hooked on horror movies; and Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. I mean . . . DAYUM.

But I digress.

Before I could make another horrible movie choice, I had to pee desperately. And when I stood up that's when I heard a noise.

Not the creaking of the house but a footstep. Just one.

I froze in my place for a second, I mid-stretch and my eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Fuck no." I whispered to myself and eyed my bat that I had left by the front door from when I was teaching my cousin how to pitch.

I looked around but couldn’t see anything suspicious.

I tiptoed over and grabbed the bat.

Because why would I look around for an intruder without a weapon to defend myself? That's the first mistake of people in horror movies.

Then, I heard something hit the roof of my house.

All of my horror movie and Supernatural training had prepared me to not be that dumbass in the beginning that thinks "oh that's nothing" and not investigating the dark room before they get butchered by an escaped prison psychopath. I grabbed my baseball bat and started walking around the house while holding a batting position.

I still had to pee. And badly. Tension makes you really have to pee.

So, I slowly made my way to the bathroom and saw the shower curtain was closed. I was the last one in the bathroom hours ago and left it open. I heard another noise like some kind of clawing against the floorboard.

That was when I heard the outdoor sensor go off by the bathroom and I realize that I left the window open. I run forward and slam it shut then ripped the curtain open and saw this looming shape in front of me. I couldn't make out what it was because the bathroom light was turned off.

So, naturally I started shrieking like a banshee and swinging my bat at the figure. It fell over and I stood panting and victorious that I had protected my home and family.

I stood there panting like I had just ran a mile, feeling pretty good about how I reacted in this situation.

Suddenly! The light turns on and I look up to see my mom in the doorway in her pj's and she looked down at my kill. Then she pinched the bridge of her nose and walked back to her room.

And that's the story of how I beat up her black long night shirt that she usually slept in. Apparently the cat had peed on it so mom had washed it in the tub and hung it up to dry.

It was not my finest moment, and in hindsight not the smartest either, but it happened and it taught me a couple of things. First, to get glasses because I am truly blind as a bat with a blindfold. Second, to not watch horror movies at midnight.