Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

We all make mistakes. Big, colossal, regretful, shameful mistakes. I once was so hungover that I spent 10 of the most nauseating minutes of my life in a bathroom trying to throw up only to do it on the counter of a doughnut shop 30 seconds after exiting said bathroom. I definitely regret that. I also regret wasting five years on a guy that continuously gaslighted me, let's hope you can learn from my mistakes.

One time my Ex called me at 5 AM after a concert that he was just getting on the road home. He started talking about the drummer poured whiskey down his throat which I thought was code for a sex thing to be honest. He was this band is apparently famous for spraying the audience with pig blood. Yep, pigs blood you read that right. Nobody prepared me for this, what article in Cosmo is going to prepare you for that.

He started taking me to this new bar that served meet mead and I had one glass and I was fine but he then said I was going to be the designated driver for the night so I switch to some kind of homemade cream soda that wasn’t that bad. And he kept drinking the mead. He had six small glasses of at least four different kinds of drink. They were closing down the bar, mind you we were only there for two hours and we had already made a new group of friends that loved playing cards against humanity with my drunk boyfriend especially since he did not win and he did not play very well.

So as I got him into his car, he was one messy ass drunk bastard. It took me five minutes just to get his seat belt on because he kept getting distracted by my chest.

I’ve never driven his car before, he has a Prius and I would just like to say that I have nothing against the Prius cars but to be fair the first six months that you all have these cars you are dicks, I will get back to that in a minute. I digress, I shoved this boy into into the car. We were driving down the freeway and it had been less than ten minutes inside the car and he decided to roll down the window lean half of his body out of the window and scream Metallica rules. Then continue just screaming nonsense out into the night air at 9 PM. And then we hit a stoplight right down the street from his house there were no other cars around but we were not in the lane that was closest to the sidewalk; he jumped out of the car and ran to the sidewalk and sat down. I pulled the car over and he proceeded to scream he is being kidnapped. When I finally pushed him into the car, I held down his seat belt with my arm until we were in his driveway. I didn't think my night out would include me tackling him to the ground to bring him back in the car.

So when we get to his house I get him out of the car and I get him in the living room where he face plants on the tile floor. His parents come out of their bedroom on the second floor and look out from the landing at there are 22-year-old son temporarily snoring face against the tile and me standing over him just. Apparently I whispered to myself 'what the fuck'.

They came down and his dad woke him and helped him into the shower. His mom and I heated up some Tyson chicken nuggets to help soak up the alcohol in his stomach.

"I thought we trained him better than this." She said after apologizing to me for his behavior.

Want to know how he apologized to me? The next week, we went back to the same bar and he said I could get loaded and then we could go see the new Deadpool movie.

Sounds fair right?

I went to the bathroom once we got to the bar. I came back out and he had already chugged two glasses of mead and in less than 15 minutes was too far gone and ordering a third glass.

It was like Groundhog Day, and I fucking hate that damn movie.