I’m writing this to let you know how you changed me and the effect you had on me and you continue to have on me.
At first, I realized how great of a brother you are and I guess where the initial attraction started, once I got talking to you more, I fell. I struggle with God and with finding a boy that will genuinely care for me. One of my favorite things to do is have deep conversations, so when we had deep conversations about God, even though they weren’t that long, I was even more attracted to you because you were so intelligent and so helpful. I assumed nothing would happen because nothing ever has gone right. But then something happened. You asked me to hang out. I was hopeful that something would happen, but I knew nothing would ever happen.
My parents said I couldn’t hang out with a boy alone, and I wasn’t planning to go inside, but you invited me in, and my anxiety got the best of me. I went in and you were so welcoming. I had no clue what was going to happen. You kept giving me signals, but I was so nervous because this has never happened before. I started to believe that maybe something good might happen for a change. You were so comforting, and I genuinely enjoyed our “small talk.” I remember it still, all so vividly, when you first put your arm around me. I was so confused what was happening. I didn’t question you because I thought you were a good guy. A little time passed, and then it happened: you kissed me.
That was my first kiss; this was when the nerves turned into butterflies in my stomach. I was so happy just lying there with you. Even though my thoughts were all over the place, that didn’t seem to matter because I was there with a guy that cared about me and made me feel comfortable, and I never wanted it to end. With all of the shit I had been going through, at that time didn’t seem to matter. When you kissed me and then kissed my forehead, or when you tried to go further and then respected my boundaries, that was it. That day was the happiest day of my life.
I found out later that at the party, you kissed someone else. That seems like such a dick thing to do, but I didn’t even care. I was still stuck in a happy state. I kept thinking to myself, “he is the perfect guy, he loves God, he is attractive, he genuinely cares about people, and he actually cares for me.” After Megan found out and she told me, she was uncomfortable with it. It hurt, but she said she just wanted to see me happy. You had such a huge effect on me. I kept thinking about you. With everything that goes on with me, for the first time in what seems like forever, I was content with where I was.
But then everything changed.
My friends helped me come to the painful realization that you didn’t actually like me...This broke me...Not just because I “wasted” my first kiss, not because I disobeyed my parents, not because I was a bad friend to Megan. But because you convinced me that I was wanted. All I ever want is to feel wanted by a guy. Not in a desperate way, but I want to have a connection with someone that cares for me and be connected with them on every single level. You had me convinced that I was actually worth something to someone, that I wasn’t just a pity case. Because you initiated it, you invited me, you sent the signals, you invited me inside, you held me, you kissed me, you made me feel special, not just unique, but as if I actually meant something to you. I had no warning that it was just a “hookup.” I’m not sure if you knew I had feelings for you, and you took advantage of it because it would be “easy,” or if you were actually attracted to me a little bit.
But it doesn’t even matter anymore because it’s not going to change what you did and how you affected me. After my friends helped me come to the realization, I cried. On the way home, I cried while driving until I could barely see the road. I went inside and screamed into my pillow. How can my emotions cause me this much physical pain? How could someone do this to me again? What kind of person does this to someone? The crying didn’t stop there, and it wasn’t just crying. I would sit in the shower just staring at the ground, hyperventilating. Everything seemed like a lie. I didn’t know what to think or what to say or how to move on from such a happy point. I was so mad at God. How could he have let this happen again? Why does God keep letting people hurt me? This is when one of my biggest waves of depression hit me.
I didn’t understand any of this. What about me makes people want to hurt me? The answer is nothing. I have done nothing to deserve the pain and the heartache that people like you put me though. Even if hurting me wasn’t your intention, that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. That doesn’t mean I cried less. That doesn’t mean I thought about you less. For some reason, you had this effect on me, and contrary to popular belief it’s not just because you were my first kiss. But I think it’s because I’ve been hurt a lot by boys, manipulated, used, but never led on to this point. I’ve never been hurt like this. You really had me convinced that you were a good guy. I heard what other people would say about you, and I would just brush it off because you really did persuade me to believe that you weren’t like the others, that you were different, that you were good.
I still thought about you a lot, and as big of a mistake as it was to go into that house, I wouldn’t change anything. I honestly thank God the most because out of this, Megan and I have become so close. She is one of my closest friends, and she puts a smile on my face whenever I see her because she cares about me, and I realized how much of an amazing person she is, how forgiving of mistakes she is. Megan is one of the biggest blessings in my life because I know that she will be honest with me because I honestly believe she wants me to see me at my best and be the best version of myself.
So technically, I have you to thank for giving me such an amazing, strong, and beautiful best friend.
But even when I am with Megan, no matter how happy she makes me with her just being herself or how distracted I am, a lot of times I can’t help but get reminded of you and the effect you have on me, because while I may be over you, and I may have forgiven you, I will never get over it, and I will never forget the pain and the hurt that you caused me and still do to this day. And I know I will feel this way for awhile, and I guess I have you to thank for that as well.