My journey to coming out.

It was the summer of 2016. I knew there was something very wrong with my life. I was angry. I was angry at the world. It didn't matter what people did around me I was just mad. Everything annoyed me. I was not a fun person to be around at times. But then there were moments of joy and happiness. I needed more of those moments. I needed my life to be about that. I need to make a change or I was likely headed towards taking my own life. I know, that's hard to hear but it's true.

A few months prior to making this decision I had broken up with my girlfriend at the time. Remember, I was still my former self at that point. She did nothing wrong. I just started to feel like change was coming and I needed a fresh start. But, I had no idea what that meant. You see, I had known I was trans for years. For the longest time, I had no idea what it was. I found myself longing to be a woman. I related to women so much. I hated the macho crap that most males have to endure. I wanted to be soft, silky and yet strong. Most of the women in my life were very strong. I saw them struggle against the patriarchy. It was wrong. I knew that they were so much than what they were allowed to be. They were the strength that I desired. They were who I wanted to be.

As a kinky person, I was accepted more for who I really was. Years before I had decided to wear lady's underwear. I loved how it made me feel. I told myself that it was a kink or a fetish. It's true it turned me on but looking back now I think it was more about me seeing myself like what my brain was telling me. I did cross-dress a bit but it was more about just feeling good. I remember sitting in high-powered meetings at work and wondering if I was the only male wearing panties. I like to think that I wasn't. It made me smile. What's important here is that this worked for a while. It allowed me to hold back on what was coming because I was scared of it. It scared the breath out of me. How would I ever tell people that I was really a woman? That male crap kept pulling at me. I'll be considered gay. I'll be a sissy. All of that is crap but that's how my brain was working at the time.

That summer my girlfriend and I had planned a trip to Yellowstone National Park. I had always wanted to go so plans were put into motion. Then we broke up. I quickly realized that needed to go anyway. I needed to get away. I needed silence and nature. So, the decision was made. I was going. I didn't realize how much the trip would actually mean to me until I got there. I was just excited to get away and to go on an adventure. I had even just traded in my car for a new one. Off I went on my vacation in my brand new car!

I remember the drive being so therapeutic. I went from familiar sites to it slowly changing to terrain that I had never seen in person. Minnesota was a lot like the northern Ontario landscape that I had loved growing up. After that, I hit the plains and that was beautiful in its own rite. The wheat waving in the wind was like driving through the ocean in a car. It was so mesmerizing to see it. I had music playing and when I tired of that I listened to comedians on satellite radio until I was laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes. This was what I needed. I could feel the stresses of life melting away and I didn't miss people at all. It was just me and the open road. Soon the landscape changed again and I knew I was starting to get closer to the mountains. Then suddenly, there they were. Way off in the distance I could see them and I stopped the car and got out to take pictures. I had never seen them in person. TV does them any justice. It's a feeling. I cried. Such beauty.

The rest of the drive was nothing short of spectacular and to be honest it was hard to drive at times. There was so much to see and so much to feel. I was alive again. I was so excited when I pulled into my campground and got out to see that my site faced a mountain and it was nothing short of spectacular to wake up and see every morning. I could see why people would want to live here. The beauty was more than I had ever experienced in my life. It just felt right. This was the best decision I had made in a very long time in my life. I was happy.

I had done a lot of research prior to arriving here. I knew what I wanted to see and do. What I wanted to do most is to get as high as I could. I wasn't exactly in good shape. I did prep some at home but I knew that I had to be careful. I found a hike called "Bunsen's Peak". It was a moderate to difficult hike so I decided to give it a go. A lot of people had posted saying that it was worth the hike. To be honest, when I drove up to see it for the first time it didn't look much look like a mountain. I did know that I wasn't mountain climbing as at the top of those peaks was snow. This was near the end of June and it was quite hot. The snow was not something that I was interested in. This would do.

The hike was quite easy at first. Just a trail through the trees to get to the base of the climb. Once I started heading up the peak I was made acutely aware that it was much harder than it looked. There are switchbacks going up. You are basically scaling the peak crossways with a more gentle elevation change than going straight up. I stopped at every point the path changed directions to back the other way. This was hard. I didn't want to quit though. I needed to make it to the top of the peak. I pushed on. I pushed myself hard. My legs were on fire. It was hot and humid out and was very glad that I had brought lots of water with me. I stopped at times to take pictures as the beauty was incredible. I was getting closer to the top and it started to motivate me to push harder and I did. Soon the peak was in sight and I pushed on.

Getting to the top was amazing. I was met with a rangers station and a sign that told me what elevation that I was at. Attached to the rangers station was a book where you could sign it, date it and say where you are from. There were people from all over the world on there. I soon put my backpack down and started to explore and I found a spot to sit and take the views in. I'd like to explain it but it's so hard to explain. All that I can say is that it was awe-inspiring and the most beautiful scenery that I had ever witnessed in my life. I sat in the quiet and let my body catch up to my brain.

I remember feeling emotionally overwhelmed at that moment. My mind had quieted and it suddenly hit me. I needed to come out as trans. I suddenly felt as if I could accomplish anything in my life. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I started to bawl. The emotions poured out of me. I'm crying as a write this now. It took quiet and the beauty of nature to clear the loudness of my mind to get to this decision. I didn't even question it. I "had" to it. I needed to find happiness in my life. I had lived my entire life trying to please others and by being something that I wasn't.

None of this meant my life was horrible. I had happy times. I had raised three children despite being an angry person. I had done good things like coached youth and showed them how to have fun and be an adult. Those were all great but in my heart, I wasn't happy. I was hiding because society told me that it was wrong. They still do in many ways. Trans people are convenient jokes to comedians. We are punch lines in movies. It's changing but it's got a long way to go. I came out because eventually the heart wants what it wants or it withers away. I knew at that moment that I didn't want that. I wanted to thrive. I needed to live my life authentically. There, on that spot in Yellowstone, I made the decision to blow up my life. It's been good and bad. But, this is me.