My Journal

Dear Journal, 12-23-21

Hey, It’s me, the real me.

This is a just going to be words I put together of my struggle and how I have been feeling. To be honest I’m not feeling the best. I have been feeling useless, a horrible and lazy wife. Useless, a bump on a log, A big baby! I’m just depressed. There are many out there who have it worse than me, but this is me…..

The doctor told me I have Golfers elbow, which sounds like a simple thing. It’s not. I can barely do anything without crying in pain. Sometimes I don’t have the strength in my arms to do anything. I barely can do my chores around the house without my arms being on fire. I can’t drive it’s too painful and I just don’t have the strength. I can barely do anything all day and just be completely worn out. My arms feel like they ran a marathon constantly. This causes me to not be able to do anything, and my whole body gets worn out. I hardly cook. I can barely clean. Even folding simple clothes takes a lot on my arms. I can barely hold my own phone to text or just glance on fb to see how everyone’s doing. It’s been going on and off for about a whole year and a half! I can’t take this anymore. I cry when no one is looking because I feel so hopeless and useless. Even typing is a bit too much, my arms are just shaking, but I have to let out my feelings. I talked a little to my mother in law and she’s sweet. But it just don’t help she tells me that’s its nonsense to think that. “You do your best” “You’re a sweet little wife.” It helps but it doesn’t at the same time. I try my best to do what I can do but I just feel like it’s not enough. I just feel so useless! No one wants me to overdo it so they try to help but it just makes me feel like a big baby and makes me feel even more useless. I can’t even open a bottle. I can barely carry groceries. The pain is so much or I just don’t have the strength. Is this really Golfers elbow? If you don’t get treated it can be permanently damaged, and loose all motion. I am trying my best the only thing my doc gave me is, arm exercises and take Ibuprofen. But once you have pain in your arms no pain meds will help, my doctor even said that… so still useless! The exercises don’t seem to help much either.

It’s nice to have support but it also hurts. People can say something and not even know you’re the reason why. My husband fell into an unhealthy diet before we met and before this all Golfers elbow started I tried my best to cook healthy things to get his healthy diet back up. But since I barely cook now my husband’s diet hasn’t been the greatest. We have been eating out. Everyone keeps mentioning his diet and how he needs to eat healthier. Well them not really realizing it, it’s my fault. Because I barely cook and he can’t cook well, he really doesn’t even have the time. It don’t help that he sometimes comes to a messy house. He’s not too picky but to me I feel like I haven’t been doing my part. I worked till I couldn’t work no more so I had to quit. I thought about getting another job to help with our financial needs but my husband won’t let me because he knows I can barely do house chores. He knows I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Which is very sweet but again it makes me feel so useless. When I can’t do anything I just struggle in silence, and it’s really starting to get to me. I try not to openly say how much pain I am in cause I don’t want it all about me. But I have to let people do things for me because I just don’t have the strength.

I am trying dry needling. My In-laws paid for the appointments and we all are hoping it works and I can get back to normal. It’s supposed to help the muscles heal where it’s causing the pain. I suppose we will see. I really hope it works! I can’t handle this much longer… I jokingly said to my family that I just wish I could just cut my arms to get rid of the pain completely. Wishing I could just buy new arms….