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My Husband's Ex Is Stalking Me On Tiktok. Here's The Easiest Way To Not Make This An Issue.

And why human nature is the biggest part of relationships.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished 16 days ago 7 min read
Image created on Canva

One day I woke up, went on to TikTok, and found a little old notification I wasn't expecting.

You see, I only use my personal TikTok account for watching videos and liking content. And for indulging in crystal lucky dip videos. Guilty pleasure. 

It's for that reason I felt surprised to find a notification at all. 

I didn't have any videos for anyone to like. I didn't have anything for anyone to snoop around and see. Yet, someone had been checking out my profile. It was my husband's ex-girlfriend, the last one he had before dating me.

I knew her. We were friends. Hence why it's so awkward. 

Their breakup was messy, and she never held back from bashing his character online. It's been over ten years since the two of them were an item. 

For her to come mysteriously popping up on my TikTok was weird.

But here's the thing about exes; they can do damage to relationships they aren't in. They can create wars between people who were happy and content before re-entering the fray.

If I let it, this ex would do the same. 

Nope, not on my watch. Here's what I did, and what I recommend you do too, faced with an unwanted ex.

Don't tell your partner the ex is sniffing around

Ok, so I already broke my first rule for this problem. 

I told my husband. 

I showed him the page where her name appeared, with the photo, so he could see I wasn't making it up. 

And so he could the situation for his own eyes, without any taint or opinion of mine sugarcoating it.

He didn't care. He laughed and kept going about his business. His response was exactly what I hoped for. He doesn't spend a minute thinking about the past and his reaction told me that.

But I knew this would be his reaction. Some partners don't have the same attitude to their exes, and rightly so. 

A friend of mine has a restraining order against her ex. Another friend, now a distant friend, moved states to get away from her ex. 

Their reactions would be rightly volatile.

A reappearing ex might cause more problems if your partner knows about it. And considering she was having a snoop around my non-existent TikTok account, there was nothing to see, it doesn't always warrant telling your partner.

It's not that you're hiding it. But giving any attention to it might cause other problems to fester.

Don't blame your partner for having an ex

It could have been very easy to blame my husband for his ex. I can't blame her, right? 

Well, I can inside. I can get angry at her, but as I don't have her right in front of me, I could take it out on him. 

He's the one who introduced her into our relationship as a problem. He made her part of our baggage. 

It's his problem, right?

That's such an unfair and knee-jerk reaction to something I can't control. Nor is it something he can control, either. It's not like he called her up and asked her to snoop so I will find out. 

And if that were the case, I have bigger problems than the ex.

What did my partner do to deserve this hate? He's an amazing husband and has always been good to me. He's done nothing wrong in this situation and I can't, won't nor believe in blaming someone for having a past. Or an ex. 

It's part of being human.

This irrational blame would only serve to validate any motives the ex has in the situation. If she wanted to come around to destroy my relationship, I was giving her everything and more.

Don't waste your time analysing motives


Why did his ex come snooping around my TikTok? 

I don't spend my spare time doing that. Why would she do that to me? What possesses a person to do that? 

What is she trying to gain from stalking me?

I could keep going with the questions by the way. I have a million of them. More than I care to admit. And as someone who analyses and writes about relationships for a living, I would feel justified in continuing to do so. 

But this isn't going to get me anywhere. Why? 

Because I won't ever get the answer. Whatever answers my analysis brings will only be my assumptions based on my own thoughts and feelings. They won't be true, nor will they allow me to come to any smart conclusions, based on fact.

Essentially, I'm setting myself up for failure. Assumptions make an ass out of you and the ex.

Don't feel the need to tell them where to go

Sure, it's tempting to call the ex and tell her to shove off. Leave me alone. Leave my husband alone. Stay out of our lives. 

That's another kneejerk reaction that's irrational and isn't going to get anyone anywhere.

People can snoop with or without our permission. Telling someone to stop being inquisitive about other people's lives is telling them not to be human. Or not to act on human instincts. 

It's the reason why social media is as successful as it is; you can be in people's lives without being in their life. 

We've always had this side to life too. Gossip. Newspapers. Magazines. Reality TV. You can't pretend to hate this behaviour when you engage in it yourself. It's pretty hypocritical.

If I did skip all consideration of human nature, I would look like an irrational bitch for telling an ex from ten years ago to go away. 

It would make me look like I had a big problem. If I posted this situation on Reddit, no one would be on my side. 

And for good reason, too.

Whether you mean to or not, calling them out on this behaviour makes you look like you have an invested interest in them. 

I don't, in this situation. I don't care what she's up to or what's she doing or anything like that. 

If I cared, I would try to befriend her or stay part of her life. But I haven't done those things, and those actions speak louder than words.

Do put yourself in their shoes

I don't blame the ex for looking at my profile. 

It's not that I'm interesting or worth snooping on. Trust me, I don't have that type of inflated ego. It's just so easy to snoop on people nowadays, thanks to the easy access in a small device that fits conveniently into your palm. 

It's quite easy to alleviate boredom by looking up people you used to know. She could have done this whilst sitting on the toilet for all I know.

I pretend like I haven't snooped on people I used to know but of course, I have. I've often wondered what has become of former friends, especially when I'm writing something about the relationship I once had with them. 

I wouldn't say it's a hobby. But I can't deny what that inquisitive feeling is like and being unable to not go along with it.

And when you go to snoop, it doesn't always mean you're missing that person. Or you want to hurt them in some way. We read into these actions way too much, more than we should give them credit for.

Don't get petty and write this article

Revenge is not cool. 

What I'm doing is not a cool response either. Dignifying her behaviour with any social commentary only lets her know I'm thinking about what happened. 

If you want to stay an enigma in this situation, someone who appears to have no cares in the world, don't do what I did. Don't take to the online world and tell them you saw them. 

It doesn't work the way you want it to.

I broke this rule because I'm 99% sure she won't read this. And if she does, I don't care. I didn't write this to validate her behaviour. I wrote this to help people who feel like a nosey ex is coming to ruin their lives.

If you're one of those people with that normal fear, let me put you at ease. An ex will only ruin your life, for the most part, if you let it. In situations like this, the only way an ex can come for you is if you give air to them.

You only have so much to give to people like this. Keep going about your life and spend your precious energy on things you care about.


About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

Writes about romanceships (romance + relationships) | Loves to talk about behind the scenes of being a solopreneur on The Frolics | Writes 1 Lovelock Drive | Discover everything I do and share here:

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