My Friends

Lust is habitually late more often than not, due to all-night sexual activities. All that changed when he met his wife, Chastity. When they met, she was a professional pleasurist. Her specialty? Everything! A former nun, she trained at the Paris Academy of Sensuality. There she learned how to please another in every manner imaginable way and to please herself. Once Lust tasted the delicacy called Chastity, well, as they say, how ya gonna get them to eat a meat burger after they’ve had filet mignon? No one can compare to Chastity. Lust became monogamous. They live in Bel Air and have triplets.

Gluttony was at some party over indulging as usual. She woke up with coke all over her face and a killer hangover. On a positive note, that night, she did meet Temperance, a beautiful soothsayer. When they met, Temperance told her to call her the next day, after she washed the coke off of her face. Gluttony could only stare at the beautiful specimen of adulthood in front of her. Then someone shoved a mirror piled high and as they say, that was that. After she injected her hangover medicine called “Oh Crap I Did Do That”, she did wash her face. They met at a little café called Cistro’s Bistro. Love at second sight. They’ve been together for twelve years now.

Greed is being treated for ISS, Internet Shopping Syndrome. Neighbors heard him calling for help. Rescue workers pulled him from the avalanche of Amazon boxes that filled his entire three-story home. Most, unopened. During treatment, he met Charity and together they recovered over three million dollars from the returns. They donated it all to the ISS Foundation and various children’s organizations. Unfortunately, you can’t change the stripes on a candy cane. Greed was arrested for embezzling foundation funds and sentenced to forty years and to pay restitution. The need for treatment was never more evident than at his trial. During sentencing, Greed became angry and had to be restrained by six officers when the judge refused to give him more years. He kept shouting “Give me more! Give me more!” He was such a cute kid.

Surprisingly, Sloth showed up for the Save Our Theaters Charity Event hosted by Landerson Cooper. Sloth a child prodigy is an extremely talented musician. He can play any instrument and has never been trained. His mother always said, “He could have been the entire Philharmonic.” Indeed, he did not practice. That would be too much effort. No, he wasted his Greater Being given talents and lounged wherever the mood hit him. Park bench, the floor of a party, while driving it did not matter to him. He was a master at laziness. Then he met the twins, Diligence and Zeal. At first, it was just a three-way bromance. Then it blossomed into so much more. Let’s just say, at the three-way wedding, Sloth stayed up the entire time and stayed up that night, if you know what I mean.

Ready to commit suicide? Let Wrath overhear you say she gets angry. One night, she meets Patience an ER Nurse who patches her up after a road rage incident. They move in together shortly after. Talk about opposites attracting. Somehow, they make it work.

Envy loved Patience and hated that he could not have her. Now that Wrath and Patience were together, he had no chance. Over the years he has always wanted what everyone else had. Designer shoes, fancy food, the best of everything. A trust fund baby, he could have anything he wanted. Yet he always wanted what someone else had, until he had it. What no one knew was that he longed for everyone to envy him. Strutting like a peacock one night, he bumps into Kindness. Three years and four children later, Envy is not cured but he’s working on it.

Pride. What can I say about Pride? She grew up in a family of 12. Early on it was clear that the children would need to understand their place in the world. Every evening at dinner, the parents told them that no matter what else happens in life, they should always work hard and be proud of who they are, and remember family comes first. Pride took it to heart. She worked two jobs, studied her butt off, and became a renowned heart surgeon. Brilliant. Cold. Selfish. At a press conference, she met her. Humility was sitting in the front row in a sleeveless yellow summer dress. Pride looked down on her during her speech. It made her hesitate for a moment. Humility taught her how to love herself and still leave enough for others. They are more than friends. They are non-sexual soul mates. They understand each other. Happiness attracts good things. They both met fantastic partners. All four were married at the Cathedral of Saints on Delta Nine. All are happy and every year they get together on Pluto for fun and friendship.

They are my friends and I love each and every one of them. So now you understand why I can’t let you hurt them. I’m sorry but you have to die.