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My Friend Loneliness!

by Maurice Bernier 5 years ago in humanity / single
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How I Met and Friended Living Alone

Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash

I have reached a point in my life when I must accept what is.

Way back in the year of 1956, a happy baby boy was born in the month of February. When he was born, he had no bills, no taxes, no worries at all except where he was going to get his first meal. He came into the world and people took care of him, hand and foot. The more he screamed, the more he got. He had plenty of people around him. He had protection in every form possible. He came into the world alone and was welcomed with open arms.

Yes. The star of that birth was yours truly. It must have been a great time because my parents, Mom and Dad, were extremely happy about it. I was introduced to people who I hardly remember. I have vivid memories of my paternal grandfather who I loved so much but did not spend enough time with because he died when I was 19. I was only able to see him up until I was nine and hadn't seen him until he was in repose at a funeral home.

As I look back at my life, I did what I had to do, things that I had planned to do very early. I would not let anyone get in the way of my plans. I went to school straight to college getting three degrees and a postgraduate diploma as well. I studied to become a teacher. I taught for nearly 40 years. I stayed out of trouble. Never went to jail. My level of legal problems never even rose above a parking ticket.

I went out on dates but was never happy. I did meet one lady. We never went out like I should have. She died before I was able to build up the courage to ask her out. My huge loss. Children? Nope? I don't have any. I listen to my friends talk about their families. I am truly happy for them. I am glad that they have a family of their own. They have children and grandchildren. I am happy that they have all of that. But, I live alone.

I sometimes hear songs that just repeatedly play over and over in my head. At times like this, I can practically hear Frank Sinatra singing "My Way."

And now the end is near

So I face the final curtain

My friend, I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I've traveled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way.

It kind of sums up how I feel right now. I am alone. I did all of that other stuff. I have nothing else to look forward to. Sometimes, I just sit and wait for death to come up from behind, tap me on the shoulder and say, "Come with me, Maurice. It is time to go." I would go. Please do not misconstrue anything here. I am NOT saying that I am going to harm myself. I am merely saying is that one day, death will knock at my door and I will have no other choice but to answer it.

Regrets, I've had a few

But then again, too few to mention

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exception

I planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

Oh, and more, much more than this

I did it my way.

Did I work hard enough in school? Have I shown my family all my love? Why wasn't I be more open to a lost love? I will never have answers. Just regrets to last me a lifetime-mine. I really miss all of them. In recent years, it was tough burying my parents. I am still dealing with it.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out

I faced it all and I stood tall

And did it my way.

I know that I had my fill of mistakes. There were some things that bothered me and there were things that didn't. I cared about the ones I did and didn't give a rat's behind about the ones I didn't. I still don't. Still, I have moved on alone. I like to keep things to myself. They say that it is not good to do so, but I don't like coming off like a whiner. I don't like to be seen as a complainer. Life dealt me lemons at times. I just accepted it and moved on. Sometimes, I would go to isolated spots and just reminisce about the past and where I think I am headed. When you are alone, the answers do not come easily if at all. I have accepted that, too. Still, however, Sinatra still sings in my head every day.

There are times when I wake up and the biggest disappointment is that I woke up. I often wonder, "What is life going to deal me today?" Then, I have to get up to find out. It is not delivered to your door like a package. You have to go through your day to find out.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fails, my share of losing

And now as tears subside

I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that

And may I say, not in a shy way

Oh, no, no not me

I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got

If not himself, then he has not

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words he would reveal

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way

Yes, for now, there is nothing I can do except wait for death to call upon me. When, not if it does, I will be ready to go. I've done everything I set out to do. There is nothing else left. I am done.

Sung by: Francis Albert Sinatra

Songwriters: Gilles Thibaut, Claude Francois, Jacques Revaux, Paul Anka, Sean Carter, Jimmy Kendrix, Chuck Stanton

© Warner Chappell Music France, Jeune Musique Editions, BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Songs Music Publishing

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About the author

Maurice Bernier

I am a diehard New Yorker! I was born in, raised in and love my NYC. My blood bleeds orange & blue for my New York Mets. I hope that you like my work. I am cranking them out as fast as I can. Please enjoy & share with your friends.

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