My beginning...

by Blaze Herrero 8 days ago in family

a little about me

My beginning...

I'm 21 bear of a guy. Teddy bear or the bear is what most my friends call me an awkward cinnamon roll nerdy and open book. I'm told I'm an easy guy to get along but weird, my likes are anime, manga, webtoons, role play games, role playing and fighting games. I'm a writer working on getting my BA either in English or communications and work as an editor or eventual novelist. I'm recently Separated but working on getting divorced so just being honest there and always looking for fellow nerds to befriend. I'm a dork who loves to role play, write poetry and occasionally rant, life is hard but we'll get through it you know. I love topics in the fantasy variety, we'll discuss nerd theory along with philosophy or moral concepts and such. I'll occasionally rant about top ten best manga or webtoons, or start up a series about my wacky roomies. You can call me Blaze and hope we get along.

Alright I'm gonna say this once and let y'all know. Yes I am Divorced(sort of), I have a son and it's a tough subject but not one that's impossible for me to talk or write about. I'm here to help heal the wounds, write a little , maybe meet someone new honestly it's all up to you.

What happened was I fell in love early after a history of a depressing childhood traumas and never getting treated like number one I found a bunny who was as broken as me, she seemed to care about me.

We started off good as best friends who steadily got into a relationship, eventually got engaged and had our darling baby boy. I was the best daddy bear I could be working hard for that bacon, going to college, making time for cuddles and love. Cooking before I left and when I came back, laundry, cleaning staying up with the little rugrat, trying to make time for her to get time with her friends and family.

But real talk I made a mistake one year into my marriage when we stopped making love for a while due to being parents and a hectic schedule I role played to control my urges. For those of you who don't know what role play is well it's creating a character to adventure and live a fake life through whether it's action or fantasy or romance. A lot of younger people or creatives will go and do this to relieve some stress, and my cup of poison was smut role play. I never got attached it was with one person and no pictures y'all know the rules it's a business transaction, but she felt cheated on it hurt her because to her it was basically sexting. So upon finding out I swore off role play, friends and dedicated myself to never hurting her again.

So we're okay for awhile I cut off my friends we invest a bit more in our relationship and we have a lot of good and bad days. Our relationship wasn't bad but at the same time it wasn't too good. I am too nice I have a hard time of saying no to people and it leads to a lot of people walking all over me, this stems from a childhood of trying to be a good boy afraid to get in trouble. Or more so afraid of all the bad I ever did coming out all at once if I got in trouble once. I grew up with, "I grew up with if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all." I took this to heart since in my youth I had a temper which lead to many fights and violence, I didn't want to see red, or hurt those I cared about with my repressed rage. I saw my parents and my grandparents and knew I didn't want to drink or do drugs or let my anger control me. There's too much pain in life to keep giving out this pain and rage, the world needs more niceness and so I went from grizzly to teddy bear.

This didn't sit well with my spouse due to a neglectful mother who let insults on her parenting roll off of her like water to a hippo's back, my spouse developed a knife tongue to pierce this ice queen. But when you marry a teddy bear there is no need for a knife like tongue, suddenly you didn't do the laundry correctly turned into you're a failure of a person. You didn't wash the dishes the best way so you'll never amount to anything, you turn your socks inside out so one day I'll leave you. If you ever fuck up I'll take our son away and the cops or courts will always take my side because I'm the girl. Yet she was attacking someone who didn't want to fight back who had no need to fight back, he was a teddy bear who wanted to love her and never lose her or his darling baby. I didn't want to hurt her I'm a pacifist, but I also knew i could destroy her with my words, I could break her bones. That inside this fluff a monster could come out and hurt anything I held dear, so despite being an emotional bear who cries during kids films i stayed silent. Or I stepped outside to get some air maybe rant to a friend until I was ready to talk things out, it was hard because she's the type that hated people leaving. She wants you to stay on the bed while she yells at you like a mother getting after a child for the most ridiculous or silly things. Yet in an actual pinch I could think rational I could be there when she freaked out and worked things out with her in a pinch, and vice versa for her. For better or for worse we were a team.

The problem was we were so young when we fell in love, we were young and married with a child. Hopping from family to family just trying to get independent, life was good but it was hard living check to check. I was happy and ignorant just satisfied with being with her and our darling son, but she grew up being more intelligent than everyone. She grew up feeling trapped in the wrong gender, with suicidal thoughts and depression lurking around the corner. So to help things get better she invites her friends back into our lives, she makes promises and asks for trust... It was here that we messed up and before we knew it things would spiral.

Over time she gets attached to an old friend of hers from high school,He's a lot like me in the dorky nice guy way, they both promise me that they are nothing but friends. Deep down I knew it was more than that, deep down I knew it was becoming more than that and I couldn't stop it. This had happened once before with a friend she made in college, which lead to sexting and mild cheating that led to fights. To lonely nights that we had just gotten over and she starts again this time with a guy right down the street. This is where being a nice guy starts to suck, I feel guilty for my own past mistakes, I'm worried she's going to leave and take our son. So I give in I try to be the best husband I can be watching our little one, going to work continue cooking and cleaning along with cuddles. I try to trust her despite her time with him growing, despite the faces she'd make while texting him, despite how fast our sex life was dwindling. Making love became a chore for her, it didn't leave the same feeling it used to, and even started to hurt. Her body and mind was bit by bit rejecting me and making room for him leaving me brokenhearted, alone and frustrated in so many ways. She asks if we can get into a poly relationship to solve everything, that having a boyfriend or extra as she called him at the time to help watch our son and occasionally sleep with. That adding him to our relationship could even out everything solving all of our problems if only I'd trust her and allow it. I tired so hard, so hard to say yes and make her happy, I just wanted her happy to not leave and be happy. Yet life doesn't work like that and not everyone is built for that life, I myself know she's not property or someone I own yet my heart was hers and I couldn't share her.

So she starts cheating with a friend going to his house and cuddling, and sexting, she wanted permission at first but didn't care after awhile. Then tells me she's in love with her best friend but doesn't want to leave me. Forces a poly relationship, we fight I make her choose between four years of love or new fling. So I in turn take our son away and try to go on as a single dad for awhile cheated on betrayed I felt this was the right thing to do, especially since it was the only way to keep him through the court system. But during this time she calls me, we fight, she shows remorse and asks how to make things better. I tell her there is no way to make things better, that its broken and we're broken that I moved on and me and our son are doing better. It's a lie because its a mask to make it seem like I'm strong but inside I'm crumbling so she convinces me she'll change that deep sown she regrets hurting me and she wants to make it right. In her mind however it's a hostage situation and she will do anything to get him back, she will lie and cheat and stoop as low as she needs. So she pretend to move out of her bf's, to change to want her family back to love me and care, that without us she's cutting vertical now because she needs us. So after a month I give in and trust in her resulting in me losing everything, I lost her my son my car and my cat. My family who told me I was stupid for trusting her to not trust in her then threatens to throw me on the street because that's how pissed and hurt they are. They can't look at me for losing their grandson so I'm left broken losing literally everything all at once. Yet my best friend from high school heard about all of this and without hesitation tells his fiance I need a place to stay. Someone I haven't talked to or seen in two years suddenly no questions asked takes me in without a second thought.

After she takes our son choosing the fling, I don't see our son for months uses him, while she uses him as hostage piece trying to get me back again for a poly. So I put up with it it's not hard to pretend to love her because deep down I still did. After months of her threatening to take him away again and again lying to her new family about me, I finally get the chance to see him for his birthday. My roommates helped me come up with a plan to get him back by getting him and running and settling things with him in my possession. I'm desperate as I turn into her willing to do almost anything to get my missing piece, my darling sweet bean back. So i get to the party in which I'm treated like shit, like a piece that doesn't belong seeing as he "perfectly replaced" me was all so painful so when I can I try to get my son back.

Adrenaline course's through my veins as I run as fast as can getting into the car a wave of safety crashing over me before glass shatters over us.Her boyfriend breaks the back windshield over us clawing at my back and tearing into my shirt as he cussed me out. She jumps into car threatens to kill herself to get back at me, she's hanging out of car like a psycho on while driving. She is shouting things like she would've given me Christmas's or Easter's or any day I wanted that I didn't have to do this while she tears into me biting and cussing.

We stop as we didn't want to hurt her or "kill" her, I call the police, police believe her, don't listen to me. They take my son away when they had no legal right to, hand cuffs me and treats her like a queen before driving her back to her boyfriend's personally. Meanwhile back at the party there are reports of assault and a stabbing as her new family tries tries to blame it on me, keep in mind I hurt no one and had only the thought of getting my son back.

I lose all faith in the justice system, talk to lawyers, it's hard for dads to win in court especially when they big hairy bears, they look scary despite being made of fluff. My ex is fairly attractive I think, because everyone wants to swoon over here and help her hurt me, been fighting for him but not working to well. She thinks with all of her mind that I wanted to murder her and refuses for me to ever see our child still using our marriage to keep her way.

So I go back to my passion and start writing, broken for a bit just trying to fix myself to be the best person I can be for my son. I found good roommates luckily, good friends and just doing my best to be a good bean. To this day I still don't drink, or smoke, or hurt people as the way of the teddy is to take the hits and give hugs.

All I want is to find a sweet bean, have a family and grow old rocking in chair drinking lemonade. Someone I can love with all my heart and loyalty and right back. Sorry for the rant and if you're reading this cool id not that is fine too, if this scares you I'm not worth your time and I can't do anything about it. But if you stick around then awesome we'll bond like no other. I put this on here because people eventually ask and it hurts to tell this more than once y'know. Yet it's apart of me now and its part of my history so I must learn form it and continue to evolve into the person I'm meant to be.

Blaze Herrero
Blaze Herrero
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Blaze Herrero
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