Sometimes throughout the days I feel like their are maggots in my brain,
It was late into the night when you visited me, my back to the the sheets and mouth open wide my snores a sounding call to your future nest. It was pitch black in the abyss that was my eyelids as the you approached the open cavity that was my nose. Your 8 legs tired from the journey a few egg sacks on your back carrying the future of your kind, you wanted a safe place for your young, and I was a victim of circumstance. Yet unbeknownst to me you so did crawl into my nose which alarmed me to an extent at the blockage of air making it's way to my lungs. You stay silent and still hiding in the dirty cave of bacteria as you waited for me to lull myself to sleep in my half awake state. This place just wouldn't do, so you made your way inwards determined to find the perfect location despite my fears, or at least the protests I would have if I was awake.
I remember holding you one morning pregnant as hell as the sheets smelled of embarrassment and the warmth as your resting belly swelled. You had wet the bed at 17 with me your fiance cuddling you in the bed, your cheeks rosy with shame as I helped change the sheets before saving on water as we showered together, a smile plastered to my face. If I remember correctly you my love, you had this amazing ability to feel both shame yet shameless at the exact same time. I remember getting to know you thinking well that’s not so bad you would wet the bed till you were 16, yet at the same time you were definitely cute enough to pull it off. I remember how embarrassed you were needing to defend yourself explaining it was only every once in a while and during those dreams where you think you were awake resting your cute booty on the seat, only to wake up in warm wet sheets. The thoughts that passed through my mind as you told me were simply, man she’s adorable when embarrassed I wonder how much I could tease. Yet at the same time the amount of shamelessness you had when you told me you were a female who was a male trapped in a female body had an air of bravery, a bravery I respected greatly in you. To me it didn’t matter if some nights we cuddled we woke up in a pool of blood and your face red with embarrassment, or the fact that despite being a guy you became cutely pregnant. Honestly to me you could’ve done or said anything and I would’ve accepted until you betrayed my love with disloyalty. Yet I’m not here to shame you in any way although perhaps it seems far from it, because we kept the protectors on our mattresses for the same reason you covered your face. You would hide your cute face ashamed of who you were and what you did thinking ten fingers could hide you from the world, you’d throw away sheets stained with guilt washing plastic keeping up appearances for people who never truly cared. Yet I was there loving you despite the skeletons, or shame with a smile on my face simply saying, “baby it’s okay because I’ll love you no matter how dirty you get.” Not saying that I was in particular fond of the more freaky things, but true love is more about accepting the scars that laid barren on your wrists, or knowing despite any mess I could shower you with my kisses. Love was despite any amount of pain or shame that I would hold you with a soft laugh saying, “Honey bun it’s okay, trust me it’s already a good day.”
So in my last Blog I vaguely brought up the concept of how everyone is broken, not to say that anything is inherently wrong with you. It's just saying that perfection doesn't exist, nor does the feeling of being whole truly exist. What I mean by this while you may feel satisfied or fulfilled to some extent in life as a whole you will always long for more internally and that's okay. The concept that you need someone else to make you complete, or money to bring you happiness or the the dream house or money to feel satisfied. In reality while those are nice things as well as amazing goals to shoot for without a doubt, there's a void inside you that can not be filled with those material possessions.
As someone whose had their heart broken 14 times the last one resulting in cheating and separation leading to an eventual divorce, I think I know a thing or two about heart break. So I will do my best to help you through any heartbreak whether it's happening at this moment, or the pain is coming along the way.
I'm 21 bear of a guy. Teddy bear or the bear is what most my friends call me an awkward cinnamon roll nerdy and open book. I'm told I'm an easy guy to get along but weird, my likes are anime, manga, webtoons, role play games, role playing and fighting games. I'm a writer working on getting my BA either in English or communications and work as an editor or eventual novelist. I'm recently Separated but working on getting divorced so just being honest there and always looking for fellow nerds to befriend. I'm a dork who loves to role play, write poetry and occasionally rant, life is hard but we'll get through it you know. I love topics in the fantasy variety, we'll discuss nerd theory along with philosophy or moral concepts and such. I'll occasionally rant about top ten best manga or webtoons, or start up a series about my wacky roomies. You can call me Blaze and hope we get along.