More Kindness

Drama makes me crazy! Seriously, it has to be different for me than for other (normal) women because when something happens around me or involves me, it is way too crippling! I have driven myself crazy for years by running in circles, trying to do what someone else has wanted me to do. I have had some success in pleasing others, but can’t please all & I have drained myself OUT. Don’t misunderstand, I take ownership of allowing others to puppetmaster me, this has been a choice I made. I just need to stop. I need to be me without the strings.

It has been fascinating to “watch myself” throughout this past year. You know the year, 2020, Global Pandemic, US Elections, the year was meant to break a person like me.

After having my final breast surgery (deconstruction) in November 2019, 2020 was off to a wonderful start.

The year, obviously, went differently than anyone expected. However, I feel like I made leaps & bounds finding myself, considering it all. For the first time that I can remember, I have actually been able to squeeze some of the drama out of my life. Well, I think I lessened it by at least 50%.

I knowingly & intentionally created my first boundary last year. It was strange, and I didn’t really like the feeling. After that, I created my second real boundary & my third! I will still move a mountain for my loves, but now, I am going to wear gloves on my hands & a back brace… because nobody knows what I need, like me!

I don’t know exactly how I feel about boundaries yet, but I am practicing them with my family here at home.

{Cassie & Mommy}

M: Cassie, stop barking at your friends

C: No! I don’t want to look at you! GETAWAY, NOW!)

M: Cassie! Seriously! You are embarrassing me in front of the whole neighborhood!

C: (My mom is HIDING from the World)

M: CAS! NO! NO! I am NOT joking!

C: (here we go guys)...

M: FINE. Treat.

C: (I get the last word) bark (lol)

{Jenny & Mommy} ***Cold Monday Morning***

J: I have to poop!

M: (I am not taking you on a walk) The backdoor is open, I will go with you.

J: I have to go poop!

M: Jenny! Let’s go outside.

J: (at the front door) I have to go POOP!

M: No! Let’s Go! (with a smile, happy voice, and calm arm gestures)

J: (Muzzle-to-hanging leash) I HAVE TO GO POOP!

M: (happy thoughts/happy feet ~ happy thoughts/happy feet)

M: Fine! I guess I need to get some steps.

J: I WIN!

***also Jenny*** I already pooped outback!

So my dogs don’t help me stick to my boundaries. I guess I can’t blame them, they have been raised by me! The past year would have been unbearable for me if it were not for this man by my side and our pack! I don’t want to think about how it would have gone without their company in this home!

I bought a lot of yarn in 2020! I started several afghans. Then, like many other things, I moved on. I tend to do that a lot. I will start something & then I will get distracted & move on to the next shiny object. Normally, I am way too insecure to admit to this, because I am scared that you might not like me. NUTS! Right?!?! I have this automatic fear that you are going to use my shortcomings against me and I don’t want you to criticize me… {I don’t even know you!}

This is important to me… Today is the first Monday of the year (January 4th). I am really excited because I have this afghan, it’s a Corner-2-Corner lionsbrand yarn {happy}, it is probably a third of the way done. Before I pick up a new project, I am going to complete my first afghan, ever!

I started a blanket in my 20’s, but like everything else, I moved on. I am excited to sit with myself long enough to complete this blanket and to start to enjoy my own company while experiencing the satisfaction of FINISHING an afghan! For crying out loud! It isn’t like I am trying to do a quilt, it is an afghan, NO EXCUSES! <3