Mononuclear Monologues

Mononuclear Monologues

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

Mr. Clean Dirty! // Establishing a Beachhead // Tongue in Groove // Cracker // Spelling the Alphabet // STD // Sam Crow on the Danger of Tiger Woods // School of Hard Knocks // Drag Queen & the Statute of Limitations // Close Encounters // Notes on Sarc(h)asm // Sex, Stereotypes & Clothing // Gum Up the Works // The Evolution of Politics // Best Laid Plans (A Shameless Literary Plug)

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This is your roving reporter Anne O. Nimity and I’m down at the police station where I have just been speaking with Officer McGruff. Having recently heard of the untimely demise of the Pillsbury Doughboy, which sad event is still under investigation I asked for a statement. The overcoat bedecked K-9 Officer was quoted as saying, “Don’t you worry, we’ll take a bite out of crime!” In any case, in my own ongoing investigations I have uncovered facts leading me to make this special new report tonight which I have titled:

MR. CLEAN – DIRTY!

In a shocking development the FDA has released information that Mr. Clean may be dirty. The fifty year old two fisted grime fighter, long an icon for clean living, was implicated last month in a plot to spread a stain on the pristine character of the recently departed Pillsbury Doughboy (PDB) in an effort to supplant his position in the advertising world. Friends of the bald buff icon stated that Mr. Clean had been falling into a funk due to his slide from popularity and often flew into a jealous rage whenever he heard PDB’s signature giggle. Pillsbury, the penultimate “White Hat”, was recently found with a hole poked clean through his belly and a subdural hematoma on his head. Reportedly Mr. Clean’s fingerprints were discovered on the flour spotted rolling pin found near the body. A Magic Eraser had been utilized in an attempt to clear the DNA evidence. Clean stated that if the grime sticks and he goes down for this he won’t be alone; those trying to wash their hands of this would be called to task. Mrs. Doughboy was too racked to make a statement but said she would rise to the next occasion.

An unidentified source in the Proctors office said that Mr. Clean was known to Gamble. Further, it was alleged that Clean and his cohorts were spotted in a clandestine meeting under the Golden Arches. Ronald McDonald was heard stating to the icon “You deserve a break today.” An unidentified subject, reportedly a juvenile female carrying an umbrella, was heard commiserating “When it rains it pours.” Other reported attendees were the Energizer Bunny, the Jolly Green Giant, and the Michelin Man.

Having heard it through the grapevine that the Jolly Green Giant was directly involved in the cover-up and had given some peas black-eyes this reporter tried to elicit a comment. Jolly was quoted as saying “Sorry, I’m in a hurry. I have an appointment at Jiffy to pop my corns.” However; Sprout, Mr. Giant’s ward, told this reporter that he had overheard Jolly being told by Mr. Clean that the Pillsbury Doughboy had caught them baking more than flour into his cookies. Also, that the Energizer Bunny was allegedly the power source behind the throne. At this point Mr. Giant grabbed Sprout and climbed up the beanstalk.

Having heard that Energizer was on a visit to Kellogg Cabin, this reporter stopped by. Tony the Tiger answered the door and, upon being queried, advised that Mr. Clean had used Scrubbing Bubbles to frost his flakes with crystallized meth. When asked if this had caused him any heartburn the striped figure stated “No. They’re grrrrreeat!” Upon this pronouncement the flaky feline nearly fell on top of the Energizer Bunny who was patiently marching in little circles nearby. Luckily the feline landed on his feet and the Bunny was able to march out from under the tabby tummy none the worse for wear. Mr. Bunny, long known to march to the beat of his own drum, when asked for a quote tilted his sunglasses and said “It doesn’t matter how hard you try to stop me – I’ll keep going and going and going.” Upon this pronouncement the fluff-tailed pink guy turned and marched off to the accompanying “boom, boom, boom BOOM!” of his drums. Startled by the unexpected decibel level of this final boom I turned just in time to dart out of the way of a pile of debris erupting from the wall behind me. Another resounding BOOM reverberated as a huge hole appeared in the wall accompanied by an eddying cloud of dust and flying mortar. Through the concealing dust screen I could see what appeared to be a large pitcher shape retreating down the hallway. I took off in pursuit following the trail of sloshed sour grapes. Given the purpling effect on my shoes I decided to just SHOUT IT ON OUT and yelled “HEY KOOLAID!” at the top of my lungs. With a last liquidy slosh the figure turned the corner at the end of the hallway and disappeared from sight. As I approached the turn I was waylaid by Snap who threatened to make my ears Crackle and Pop if I didn’t immediately vacate the premises. Deciding that I would rather keep my rice crispy I departed.

In a final attempt to uncover more information about this nefarious scheme I visited the home of the Michelin Man. Mr. Man was quoted as stating “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks onto you.” His only other comment was simply “I’m just plain tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night after the Mrs. told me my rubber was dry-rotted and we can expect a retread soon.” I’m certain the tire industry is breathlessly awaiting the blessed event.

Further developments will be reported tomorrow after Mr. Clean is arraigned on suspicion of having “Rolled the Dough.”

For the TIMES BEING:

Anne O. Nimity

ESTABLISHING A BEACHHEAD

Any of you guys live near the ocean? Maybe a river or a lake? If so, I’m sure you’ve probably at some point taken a date from dinner and a movie to dancing … to the shore. A long walk on the beach is so romantic. Take off your shoes and walk along the edge of the water where the surf can lap softly around your toes. Put your arm around your girl and walk quietly along listening to the whisper of the water and the calls of the birds. If you’ve planned the timing right there’s a gorgeous full moon bouncing luminescent rays off the gently rolling surf. At some point you stop and put your arms around her waist, stare into her eyes, maybe use a soft touch to gently move an errant lock of hair back from her forehead… At this point you may have used a sappy line such as “All the wondrous beauty of Mother Nature can’t compare with the luminous beauty I see when I gaze into your eyes.” Come on guys.. admit it, you’ve tried this approach. Or, if you’re not given to the sappy romantic stuff maybe you say something closer to “DAMN BABE! YOU ARE SMOKIN’ HOT!” Whatever works for you man. DON’T LET HIM KID YOU LADIES! He has the same goal at this point as that of the ALLIED Troops during the Invasion of Normandy on D-Day during WWII… HE’S CONDUCTING AN AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULT WITH THE AIM OF ESTABLISHING A BEACHHEAD. Let’s face it guys. Honestly, isn’t BEACHHEAD what every guy hopes happens at the end of that romantic stroll along the shore? If you brought a blanket along you may even get some serious WOODWORK done.

If perchance your attempts to establish a beachhead happened to occur while the sun was still up – lunch, matinee, miniature golf, romantic stroll - you were then engaging in DAEWOO: The act of attempting to engage in sexual relations in the daytime. A good synonym for DAEWOO is NOONER. Dating couples tend to engage in Daewoo as often as several times per week - sometimes several times per day. With married couples Daewoo occurs most often during the first five years of marriage but this is variable from couple to couple. Some couples enter a Daewoo clause in their STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS; however, in the latter years of marriage – approximately 10 years and higher – Daewoo tends to happen surreptitiously – most often at motels that charge hourly rates {sometimes even with one’s spouse}.

TONGUE IN GROOVE

Tongue in Groove: What a wonderful phrase. It’s a personal favorite of mine. As such, I have made up my own personal “Little Johnny Joke” especially for this term. You may have heard of Little Johnny before, or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter. Little Johnny was created by some comic who’s name is lost in either the mists of time or the fog of alcohol in order to encapsulate the idea of a pre-adolescent boy in the process of discovering his own personal versions of ‘Universal Truth.’ Or maybe he just reminds me of my little brother: No, that can’t be it. I was the little brother. Regardless, for your perusal – here’s the joke: Oh, before I forget. One slight caution. Due to sexual innuendo this joke is rated PG-13. And, forgive me, it’s kind of long, but I hope, in the long run (pun intended), worth it:

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Little Johnny ran into his big brother Billy’s room early one morning, all excited and jittery. Jumping onto Billy’s bed he proceeded to vigorously shake his brother awake while intoning “Billy! Billy! Wake up Billy!”

Attempting to rub the gummed sleepy-eyed gunk from his eyelids, Billy sat up and yawned. “What is it, Little Johnny?” he asked, jaw popping.

Beaming as proudly as a Cheshire Cat that just caught the canary Johnny announced “Billy, guess what! I found out what it is that Mom and Dad do in their room at night that makes all that noise.”

This tidbit brought Billy awake in a flash. Popping up in the bed, Billy looked at Little Johnny’s shining eyes. “Oh really? And just what exactly is it that Mom and Dad are doing Little Johnny?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Little Johnny proudly stated “They’re makin’ furniture!”

“Furniture!?” said Billy.

“Yep. Furniture!” said Little Johnny.

“Ooookaaayy… Just how did you discover this Little Johnny?”

“Well, it was real late, an’ I hadda go to the bathroom you know…”

“And…?”

“Well, as I went past their room, I heard it.”

“Heard what, exactly, Little Johnny?”

“I heard the proof. Mommy said it herself. I ‘pacifically know they’re making furniture because I heard Mom tell Dad “It’s okay honey. You can finish with the tongue in groove.”

CRACKER:

From what I can find the term “cracker”, when not referring to a food item, historically suggested poor, white rural Americans with little formal education - i.e. rednecks. Many claim it merely means a white person from the Southeastern USA, most notably Georgia or Florida. However, we all know how language evolves through the years as culture and technology changes. If such were not the case the word “GAY” would still mean only happy and carefree… In general the term cracker, while occasionally perfectly acceptable, is most often utilized as a racial slur against the Caucasian race. This has been a fact for well over two hundred years.

Originally the term CRACKER was applied to white slave owners by their blacks and stood for Caucasian Racist Assholes Can’t Kill Every Runner.

However; with the abolishment of slavery and the gradual but painful easing of racial tensions in this nation the term was revamped in the time of Dr. Martin Luther King to mean:

Can’t Rednecks And Coloreds Kindly Employ Restraint?

Still, regardless of the great strides in interracial relations and the fact that we now have a black man as President of our nation, the term cracker is still utilized most often as a slur. It is now most often used to state: Caucasians Really Are Cracked Kinky Emo Rednecks.

Regardless, in either case the term “Cracker” is generally preceded by the word “Stupid” along with some other choice terms as in: “Stupid Fuckin’ cracker gonna get his’self cut!”

SPELLING THE ALPHABET

Here’s a question you may have heard before: How do you spell the letters of the alphabet? Who here has had that question come up? My eleven year old was studying his spelling words the other day - personally I think this third grader has a better vocabulary than me based on the list he brings me every week. However; that aside, he stopped for a moment and asked me “Dad, how do you spell “F”? I said “You mean the letter F?” He said “Yes.” I gave him the old nonplussed look – the one with the head cocked to one side, eyebrow slightly raised, quizzical/puzzled look … Suffice to say - I looked at him strangely for a moment. “You spell F F.” Then I got to thinking about it. Letters don’t have spellings do they? Letters are what you use to spell words. They’re aren’t words themselves. You spell the letter A with nothing but a freaking A! But, I decided to look just for the hell of it and pulled out the Websters. No, I don’t mean a list of acronyms used when netsurfing. The actual hard copy on paper Websters Collegiate Dictionary. Remember the book that tells you how words are spelled! The one that you can only use if you know enough spelling to find the word in the first place… Guess how you spell the letter F… F is spelled E-F-F! Freaking amazing! The alphabet is a set of 26 words, each with their own spelling. Who’d a’thought it? You realize how you spell fuck? “Eff-Yew-See-Kay…!” Well, tell her I had a good time last night.

How about the word ‘Sky’? “Ess-Kay-Why”…. I know what Kay-Why is. I could have used that last night when or eff I saw Kay. Why? Why not? If you really need to ask I’ll let her tell you.

Eff-yew-see-kay-aye-in-gee Ridiculous!

STD:

You’ve all heard of STD’s, am I right? I thought so. STD is an abbreviation often mistakenly interpreted as being related to sex and having unsanitary medical implications. In reality STD stands for “Stupid Teenage Drama.” and, trust me, that’s a subject on which I’m an expert. By the way - For an explanation of the term STD seek the input of any parent of a teenager in today’s modern society be it here in the good old USA or elsewhere… kids are kids the world over and drama is forever.

Given the ease of electronic communication in today’s society - what with the advent of cell phones for voice and the ever popular texting along with the internet and its instant messaging and MySpace - parents of today’s teenagers have to be especially careful of STD’s. Since it is virtually instantaneous for a vindictive young basta…, uh, person,…, to simultaneously spread vicious rumors of any and all sort to the entire school, town, Nation, WORLD, GALAXY!… Sorry.. got carried away for a moment there. In any case, as I was saying: STD’s can easily now lead directly to LSD. No, nothing to do with dusty angels or acid of any sort. LSD is actually “Lasting Situational Drama.” LSD’s occur when your teen finds him or herself embroiled in a rumor-mongering war that can lead to sudden eruptions of violence and fits of hair-pulling. Note the short haircut {{take off hat and display top of head…}} I myself - as the parent of a teen - am well familiar with this situation and have found myself on occasion drawn into these STD’s to the detriment of my overall emotional well being and mental health.

By the way: I was chatting the other evening with a police officer with whom I am acquainted and the discussion turned to teenagers and kids in general. During the course of our conversation I told the officer that I was dealing with an STD situation and it had led me to have some problems with LSD. The next thing I knew I awoke in a rehab facility, handcuffed to a metal bedframe with a doctor trying to jab my posterior with a needle full of penicillin.

Sam Crow on the Danger of Tiger Woods

I was strolling down the cobblestone road the other day when I came across this guy just kind of hanging around in a corn field. He looked like he had a kink in his neck - or maybe just a stick up his butt. He was standing kind of like this… {{demonstrate by placing arms out to the sides hanging slightly downward with palms turned back, head dropped forward and leaned slightly to one side}}… Personally, if you ask me, the guy just didn’t seem to have enough brains to get out of the sun. You know how it is when you meet a stranger on the side of the road… one thing leads to another and we got to chatting about the weather. He asked if I had heard what sounded like something really heavy falling out of the sky earlier. Whatever it was had been followed by the godawfullest screech like a witch in water and it had stirred up all the dust, turning the road kind of a yellowish tinge. Having missed that event I said no but mentioned how my teeth were kind of gritty because of the big blow. Being of a kindly bent he gave me a piece of chest straw to use to pick out some of the dirt.

Well one topic to another and he mentioned that he missed the country club where he used to hang out on the golf course. Of course I had to ask if he preferred green tee… but he said chamomile was more his thing. {{“Aw come on”…, flap one hand in a sheesh type rejection signal at the audience…, “You know it’s funny!”}} Well, since we were on the topic of golf now I naturally, given the recent news spate, thought of Tiger Woods so I asked Sam Crow…, Yes, that was his name - Sam Crow – kind of a scary looking dude with too much eye paint…, if he was a fan. Now as soon as I mentioned Tiger Woods Sam kind of freaked out. He did this kind of double take… {{pantomime with eyes wide, mouth hanging open, jerk and bob head left and right while saying}}and screeched “Oh My! Don’t go in there!”

Weeelll, naturally I was curious so I asked him why not. Sam said the last time his girlfriend went into Tiger Woods her dog almost got eaten by a lion. And not to mention what all the bears do that make walking there a touchy project. ((drum roll… baaadumm bumm buummm)).

So of course I asked him why doesn’t she just stay out of Tiger Woods then? Sam kinked his head over to one side, bent his arm out at a weird angle and scratched his head, then he said,

Well, Dorothy’s female, don’t you know?

So I says I would presume so. To which he replies… Then the problem as I see it isn’t necessarily keeping Dorothy out of Tiger Woods, I worry more about how to keep Tiger Woods out of Dorothy.

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

Know what the SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS actually is? A learning institution tracing its origin back to medieval times when peasants were trained as arrow fodder…uh… battering ram experts. During the siege or attack on a fortified castle if the arrow fodder didn’t knock hard enough the boiling oil poured on their heads from the defending occupants of the castle tended to discourage subsequent attempts. You could always guarantee that students were highly attentive during Battering Ram 101 at the school of hard knocks.

By the way, this type of training still continues today with police tactical units such as SWAT who also need to be properly versed in the art of knocking hard. Note however, in today’s modern society boiling oil has been replaced by hot lead which is harder to dodge.

Another definition for school of hard knocks, as I recently discovered at a rather memorable dental appointment, would be in reference to a medical institution for anesthesiologists where they learn to properly administer Nitrus-Oxide or ‘NOX’ to patients prior to surgical procedures. Trust me, when that drill hit I could have used a little Hard Nox.

Still, the old adage of learning by experience is still applicable when it comes to the school ofhard knocks. After all, experience is the best teacher. That especially applies to sex. By the time I was in high school I always tried to knock it as hard as I could and believe you me, experience was definitely the way I wanted to learn about sex. Firsthand experience if you know what I mean. I’m not talking about a boy’s first hand-experience which usually occurs about age twelve when Cousin Bob tells him how. Nope, not sex with Betty Palmer and her five sisters. I mean the real thing.

However, back to school of hard knocks. Personally I like the word ‘knock’. It’s a real guy’s word. It has connotations not only for sex but also for sports, fighting, and drinking. All the male biggies. Think about it. Sex - as in knock her up; Sports - as in set ‘em up and knock ‘em down; fighting - as in knock his block off; and drinking - as in knock ‘em back.

Drinking! Another area wherein the school of hard knocks comes in handy. Yeah, when it comes to drinking it’s a hard knock life alright. So, let’s knock it off and go knock a few back. See you guys at the bar later. Have a great night! Thank you.

Drag Queen & The Statute of Limitations

We’ve all heard of the term Drag Queen, right? You can find them hanging around on street corners in New York and San Francisco all the time. Well, I’m here to tell you that the term Drag Queen can piss some people off – especially the Queen herself:

Occurrences like DRAG QUEEN are what eventually led to the feminist movement and have caused us to develop a more modern term designed to control the urge to DRAG QUEEN. STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS. Let me read you the legal definition:

The agreement, usually nonverbal and not always legally formalized, that occurs

between husband and wife shortly after - and occasionally before - marriage. It lays out his limitations. Following are some standard clauses (No, not Nicholas or Martha):

* Football Limitation: 1 day per week

* Guys Night Out Limitation: 1 night per month

* Trash Detail Limitation: NONE. Husbands are always on trash detail dude.

* Bikini Ogling Limitation: NEVER unless it’s the wife in the bikini

(Or you’re certain she’ll never find out)

Note: As stated, the above are standard clauses routinely included in the statute of limitations. It is left to the individual couples to add others at their discretion.

Here’s a little SUBNOTE in reference to drag queen as it relates to statute of limitations: Aside from claims made by residents of a particular New York City burrough, we don’t have regular real queens here in the U.S.A. like they do in England. George Washington made that decision. Remember him? Father of our country, popped a bunch of cherries at a young age and couldn’t even lie about it. He told Congress NO KINGS and consequently – NO QUEENS. Unfortunately, George forgot to consult with Martha first. Boy was she ticked off! After that George didn’t lie or lay for a while. I understand she added a special clause in George’s Statute of Limitations to the effect that no major decisions pertaining to the organization of government will EVER be made by a man alone again – his woman is ALWAYS to be consulted. Hillary had this clause copied verbatim for Bill.

Close Encounters

I was talking about old movies with my eighteen year old son the other day and brought up Spielberg. Remembering some of my fondest movie dates back in the 1980’s I stated that the man had been responsible for a huge number of blockbusters. My son asked if he sold firecrackers or if I meant Spielberg was a “head-banger.”

After I picked my jaw back up from the floor I readjusted my perspective to the 21st century and laughed. “No,” I said. “Spielberg is a director. He made some of the biggest movies of all time.”“Like what?” he says to me.“Like E.T. for one.” He looked puzzled for a second before he said “Oh yeah! That’s the wrinkly little dude who likes Reeses Pieces, right?” I said “See. You do remember.” “Of course Dad. That’s one of those lame rides you and Mom made us go on at Universal Studios. By the way, why didn’t E.T. have a cell phone? Seems to me his parents should have paid for unlimited texting and he wouldn’t have had such a problem phoning home.” Hanging my head I just said “Never mind. It was a land before time when dinosaurs still roamed and lost aliens weren’t issued cell phones with their welcome packets.” Know what his response was? “That sucks. Parents are the worst sometimes.” Gotta love teenagers. You know what I mean?

In any case, after listing a few more of the biggies such as ‘Jaws’ and ‘Back to the Future’ I happened to mention my favorite sci-fi flick of all time. Can anyone guess what that might be? …. Nope, not Star Wars…, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Brandon, that’s my son, says to me “Huh? What the heck is the third kind? And what were kinds one and two?” “It was a UFO movie,” I said.

Brandon gave that little teenage leer… You know the one I mean if you have a teenager at home. The little grin and the twinkle that says “We’re now on the subject of SEX!” “So…. Close Encounters, huh? Sounds like a UFO movie alright. Unidentified Fucking Object. I didn’t know you were into porn movies Dad.”

At that point I pretty much gave up on the Spielberg thing and decided to let nature and hormones take their course. Grinning I said to him “Of course. Close Encounters of the Third Kind is actually a movie about a sexual encounter with a hermaphrodite.”

“What the heck is that?” he says to me. Gotta love the education our kids are getting today. Doesn’t the public school system teach vocabulary along with biology and sex education? Sheesh! No wonder our society’s going to hell in a hand basket. Sorry, back to the point… Shaking my head I explained that a hermaphrodite was a person who was born with both male and female sex organs. “Holy shit!” he says to me. “Imagine the fun I could have with myself then!”

“MMMM, yeah,” I says. So, back to the movie: I told him that the directors placed sex into three categories, and hence, Close Encounters of the Third Kind. The three categories were straight, gay, and YEEHAW! {{Tick the categories off on fingers as they are stated}} “Come on Dad,” he says to me. “Sex has a lot more categories than just three…”

Stopping him I told him not to get nitpicky. After all every young mans first sexual encounter is with Rosey Palmer and her five sisters. However; masturbation being a perfectly natural and commonplace act, was considered straight sex and that bisexuality is just a subset combining the elements of straight and gay sex together.”

“Sooo…,” he says, “does that mean that bisexual people just have a more well rounded sex life?” Tilting my head to look him in the eyes I just said “I don’t know about you son, but when I talk about well rounded in connection with my sex life it better be referring to some nice tits.” Gotta admit, Brandon got a laugh out of that one. Chuckling myself, I told him that despite the movie there is still professional dissension on the question of “The Third Kind” because some supposed experts claim that hermaphrodism just allows for one partner to be a perfect match for a bisexual person on the prowl regardless of what they’re in the mood for.

NOTES ON SAR CHASM

(Not to be confused with SARCASM)

FYI: Sar is the youngest member of the Chasm Clan. Personally I always thought the sense of humor displayed by his parents in naming him “Sar,” while undoubtedly humorous in its way, was slightly misplaced.

In most of my dealings with people I pride myself on striving to attain the high ground - moral or otherwise. ** For those of you who know me - No cracks from the Peanut Gallery - Cracked peanuts are suspect as a food source, especially if you’re allergic. ** Now those of you familiar with the state of Florida – that being the state in which I reside which bears an uncanny resemblance to the state of confusion where I maintain a vacation home – know that the only hills in Florida are the dirt mounds located at the construction sites. Those piles of dirt and debris, while numerous and easy to locate as there are on average three or four per city block, don’t tend to pile as high as the level of bull puckeys I could stack up in any local cow pasture. This unfortunate lack of geographical diversity abounding in the state of Florida tends to make it difficult for me to actually achieve the high ground but, regardless, I still strive for it. This point leads us by its circuitous route (i.e. not direct, round about - for those of you who care…) to my problem with Sar Chasm.

It is in the nature of every Chasm I have ever encountered to dwell in a depression, some deeper than others. Thus, while Sar Chasm isn’t a bad guy personally and it usually isn’t really his fault, it just so happens that every time I have dealings with Chasms in general I invariably find myself dragged, sometimes kicking and screaming, into a deep depression. Being in a depression makes me humdrum and my humming isn’t much better than my singing which I have it on good authority sounds like a drunken cat with a piano on its tail. As for the drums - my wife won’t even allow me near them anymore – that is if she hasn’t gotten a good enough bid on e-bay yet to get rid of the entire set.

This unfortunate tendency to be laid low by the Chasm’s in my life (Sar Chasm as well as the rest of the Chasm Clan) conflicts with my ongoing struggle to attain the high ground for which I strive so mightily. It is my continual hope that if ever I actually achieve the high ground the perspective thus afforded will allow me a way to view life from on high which does not involve injecting, inhaling, or imbibing in illegal narcotics of any sort. Especially injecting – needles scare me. Unlike a former president who shall remain nameless, inhaling doesn’t bother me so much. I used to smoke cigarettes but gave it up for the associated weight gain (good thing I needed to put on a few pounds). Besides, those methods of achieving a viewpoint from on high lead to legal troubles and Bubba and I don’t get along (note the “EXIT ONLY” signs on the jean pockets)…

So, to sum it up for those of you who are having trouble meandering along my path: My problem with Sar Chasm is that Chasms tend to make me go down while I’m trying to get it up.

SEX, STEREOTYPES, AND CLOTHING

Anyone notice how a few years ago television networks decided to jump on the interracial relationship bandwagon? It became the “in thing” to show that you were “cool” with interracial couples; thus all the newer shows have at least one interracial couple. It used to always be a white girl dating a black guy but that has turned around also. More and more on television shows you see white males dating black females although the reverse is also still popular. One Tree Hill has joined in and taken on two birds with one stone by introducing the age inappropriate interracial romance between the young black basketball coach “Skills” and his best friend’s older white mother. This whole scenario type – once absolutely forbidden has become the norm rather than the exception and I’m certain Archie Bunker is rolling over in his archived can. That’s all fine. I don’t personally have a problem with it – date whoever makes you happy; but I do think the networks are overdoing it in that it doesn’t seem quite as prevalent in reality as it does on the tube. Still, If you don’t like it, change the channel.

That aside, the newest cause for television networks to espouse and prove their tolerance and modernity is the question of gay couples – be they either lesbian or homosexual. It has become fashionable in the last few years for the female protagonist (in sitcoms especially) to have the “gay” best friend – the flamboyant snappy dresser who likes to arrange flowers and dispense advice in a preppy, I’m so happy voice. This trend has spread throughout all areas of television and movies to the point where the gay person – never even hinted at in the past - has become a common character in all kinds of shows from sitcoms to hard drama. This trend toward openness is somewhat more realistic in that it is also more widespread outside of television, especially among our younger generation. I have four children - two young adults age 20 and 21, a 16 year old, and a 9 year old. My 16 year old son is constantly telling me about his gay/bi-sexual/lesbian acquaintances at school who seem to comprise a much larger percentage of the adolescent population than ever before – especially young women who think being “BI” is cool. Several of the recent girlfriends seem to not understand why their boyfriend would be upset if she flirts with another girl… It’s definitely a thing with today’s teenagers. While some of these self avowed bisexual or gay teens are undoubtedly “for real” I don’t personally believe that they all are. It seems to me that a fairly large percentage of them just think it’s “COOL” to be seen as such. This is more prevalent with the girls than the boys but maybe that’s because, despite this trend, even today people will either ignore or smile at two women dancing on the floor at the local bar but let two guys get out there and they’re still likely to get assaulted outside by the local intolerant redneck… This just points out the basic double standard that still holds true amongst heterosexual males in general: Straight men love to picture themselves in a “threesome” – but that mental picture always includes themselves with two women. The same guys who don’t see any problem with asking a woman to be willing to have another female involved in her sex life will puke at the mere suggestion that a straight woman may like the idea of having a threesome with herself and two men. None of the old “good for the goose is good for the gander” in that perspective. What’s the difference at the root of the matter? I can’t quite fathom it – you expect the woman to be all right with introducing lesbian trends but will kill at the very idea of a second male in your own bedroom. DOUBLE STANDARDS.

I was at my local public library yesterday and went into the “Young Adult” section – i.e., the section where books that are supposed to appeal to teenagers are kept. I was looking at the new books there and picked up one to read the synopsis on the back cover: As far as I could tell the only point of the synopsis was that there was not enough gay and lesbian friendly literature on the shelves so this book had been written to correct that. That’s really about what the plot line said. I have no idea what the story line of the book is supposed to be but I’m certain that if I were gay it would be on my “MUST READ” list. Whatever. My personal opinion, as someone who is straight and happily married but has several friends who tend to lean in other directions shall we say, is that unless you want pornography as opposed to literature why should the sexual proclivities of the characters matter at all? If it’s germane to the plot that’s fine but is it the whole plot? Clive Barker tends to have homosexual protagonists in his books and he’s been on best seller lists for many years. Christopher Rice (son of Anne)has recently become popular and has several books published and his characters also tend to be homosexual. So what? Their sexual leanings are not the main point of the plot and the stories are good. Overall the same rule applies here as what I said about the television programs – if it bothers you don’t read it.

You may not believe this but the above ramblings/rantings/ravings/etc. started because I was watching ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ tonight and he had L.L. Cool J as a guest. L.L., whom I happen to like as an actor, apparently has his own clothing line out now and that got me to thinking about some of the popular trends with today’s younger generation. Since they seem to be very up front with their sexuality I thought maybe someone would do well to combine that with the fashion industry:

Here are some ideas for new clothing lines: How about EXIT ONLY jeans for the basic heterosexual male? The back pockets of the jeans could feature this term prominently - one word per pocket. This would get the idea across without being too offensive. For those who wish to be more provocative you could include a small picture of a hand “shooting the bird” on the pockets underneath the words. For the more flirty/teasy type this could be accompanied by a muscle shirt with the legend SERVICE ENTRANCE IN THE REAR. Admitteldy this would probably be more likely to be worn by the gay population; however, a self assured straight guy with a sense of humor could get away with it. For the females who prefer more traditional sex we could go with the EXIT ONLY theme on the back pockets and have it accompanied on the front by the legend MAIN ENTRANCE running up the top of one thigh, across the tip of the zipper/button area and down the other thigh. This would outline the groin area and could be done in various sparkly colors with little designs such as butterflies … For those women who have more open ideas about their sexuality the EXIT ONLY on the back pockets could be replaced with “ALTERNATE ENTRANCE” possibly accompanied by the SERVICE ENTRANCE IN THE REAR tee shirt. Back to the gay male: The prior ideas could be reversed and combined: How about putting the MAIN ENTRANCE logo on the rear pockets and outline the groin area with the legend EXIT ONLY. We could even switch out the muscle shirt for a pocket-tee or polo shirt and include a tastefully small gay pride flag on the pocket to complement the SERVICE ENTRANCE IN THE REAR legend.

For those of you who absolutely hate all the above ideas we just print a tee-shirt with the design on the back which will consist of the words KISS MY displayed prominently in large letters over a downward pointing arrow.

GUM UP THE WORKS:

Note: All material prefaced with the word SCENE are suggestions on actual physical actions to be taken by the person delivering the monologue. All other lines are to delivered orally. BTW, if you find a place that delivers good oral… give me the number.

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SCENE: Pull a piece of Bazooka BubbleGum from pocket and slowly open it. Pop into mouth, chew liberally. Unfold and peruse the comic. NOTE: Consider using two pieces for a larger bubble effect.

Remember Bazooka Joe? You know, the guy on these little comic strips they have wrapped around Bazooka Bubble Gum? I always kind of wondered about where he got that eye patch…,

SCENE: Blow and Pop a Bubble… As large as possible. Wipe off any excess…

Did he maybe damage his eye from popping a few too many pinks? Gotta be careful about who’s blowing Bubbles and make sure the blast area is clear.

SCENE: Pull damp wad of gum out of mouth and peer quizzically at it.

We’ve all heard of the term “Gum Up the Works?” Sounds kind of painful to me. Isn’t this stuff supposed to be for oral use only? Nobody better be sticking any Gum Up My Works… Hell, I don’t even swallow this stuff… Hmm, seems to me I remember hearing that same line somewhere recently… Oh yeah. That was my wife last night in bed. Oh well, that’s what I have a girlfriend for. In any case, in reference to ‘Gumming Up the Works.’ Here’s the way I found it defined in my phraseology book:

SCENE: Pop gum back in mouth. Open up small spiral notebook and flip several pages. Extend arm out and peer myopically at pages. Put on bifocal glasses to aid in reading fine print. Adjust on bridge of nose.

Ah, here it is: GUM UP THE WORKS: An unfortunate side effect of forgetting to spit out one’s snack prior to engaging in oral sex

SCENE: Tilt glasses and peer over them at audience. Use “Oriental Accent” for following:

Confusion Say: He who not want to gum up the works should spit out chiclet before engaging in lickety split.

SCENE: Flip notebook closed and insert back in shirt pocket. Remove glasses and do same.

SPECIAL TIP: When “Gum Up the Works” has occurred it may be possible to remove the offending material by attempting to have it adhere to the tip of one’s penis upon insertion into the applicable bodily orifice…Warning: The Surgeon General DOES NOT recommend this method of gum removal as it may be hazardous for the orificer – especially if the orificee is anally retentive.

By the way my girlfriend paid me lip service last night to the spirit of Gumming Up the Works and Oh MY GOD! There’s a term I hope to hear again!

The Evolution of Politics

I was watching a presidential address to the nation a few nights ago on CNN and ruminating on a few things that I felt I should share. So, for those who care about such things, here is my political thought for the week:

Charles Darwin should have noted that, on a galactic time-scale, the evolution of species is a temporary phenomenon. It appears that a species stops evolving when its survival no longer depends on it…, or when a political action committee takes over. That explains Rush Limbaugh and Barack Obama. Can we maybe kick-start the process back up somehow?

Upon further reflection, and recalling the fact that the president just prior to Barack Obama was a perfect rendition of a trained monkey – albeit possibly an albino – I can’t help but wonder: Survival of the fittest apparently doesn’t apply to politics. Maybe because, in today’s climate, those fittest for office wouldn’t survive the evolutionary process.

BEST LAID PLANS

NOTE: This expansion of Best Laid Plans is merely fabricated . There is no such book or author to my knowledge.

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Best Laid Plans: A nonfiction book by Ben N. Dunne outlining a list of step by step scenarios to be followed by those hoping to successfully culminate a sexual encounter with a willing partner {generally, but not necessarily, of the opposite sex}. Alternate title: Woo and Screw. NOTE: The main target demographic of “Best Laid Plans” is young men approximately 16 to 20 years of age.

Following is a condensed encapsulated excerpt from ‘Best Laid Plans’:

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Plan 1: Hook up a Pro: (Key Words: Go Pro; No Tell Motel; Suck for a Buck)

Offer a substantial amount of money to a prostitute

Take her somewhere isolated or to a hotel/motel (preferably with an hourly rate)

Have your way {AKA “Get your rocks off”}.

Return your partner from whence she came

Remember: Do not actually pay for any services until AFTER they have been rendered.

NOTE: Plan 1 is not for those who are overly concerned with either the identity of, or the moral standards of, their prospective partner.

SUBNOTE: While it is always a good idea to utilize condoms when engaging in sexual activity it is especially imperative when implementing Plan 1 as the majority of prostitutes are not known to submit their partners to pre-coital health screenings. PLEASE PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

Plan 2: The Expensive Date: (Key Words: Classy Partner; High Budget)

1. Pick up your prospective conquest on time and in an expensive sports car

If you do not have a sports car any reasonably fashionable expensive car or sport utility vehicle will do. Pick-up trucks are discouraged as a means of transportation when first taking out a ‘woman of class.’

A. Ensure there is a small blanket or large beach type towel in the trunk or back seat

2. Take her to a popular high-end restaurant and allow her to order whatever she wants.

A. Keep up a light banter throughout the meal

B. Maintain regular eye contact with only the occasionally perusal of your

prospective partner’s physical attributes. (i.e. Look her in the eye most of the time rather than continually staring at her breasts or other anatomical features; however, ensure she occasionally catches your vision ‘straying’ so she is aware of your interest/attraction.

C. Discuss her likes and dislikes with only occasional references to yourself.

Allow her choice of subjects to steer the conversation

AVOID talking about (and/or comparing her to) your ex girlfriends

NEVER tell her she reminds you of your mother

C. Ensure the dinner drinks are of midlevel alcohol content.

Wine or champagne is generally a good choice to accompany dinner

If one is not familiar with wines the wait staff at most good restaurants are happy to suggest an appropriate drink selection. Do not be embarrassed to take such a suggestion. Willingness to accept suggestions of such a type shows quiet confidence.

3. After dinner pay the entire check. DO NOT split the tab with your date.

4. Take her to a popular night club.

A. Continue to slowly supply your prospective conquest with drinks of midlevel

alcohol content.

NOTE: Monitor your date’s alcohol intake… You want her slightly tipsy but getting her stumbling drunk is not advised

B. Pay attention to your date – do not neglect her for any acquaintances or friends

who may show up. Let her know your attention is on her. Definitely DO NOT ogle any other women while at the club no matter how attractive.

C. Be sure to ask her to the floor for at least two slow dances

5. Upon departing the club invite her for a walk on the beach. For inland areas a lake will work in a pinch

A. Take her to a deserted stretch of shore.

Without undue fanfare retrieve the blanket or towel and carry it with you.

While walking reach out and gently take her hand in your free one. Stroll ‘hand in hand’ along the edge of the water with fingers entwined.

Occasionally rub your thumb in small circles in the center of her hand as you hold it.

After a few minutes of walking stop and “Admire the Moon”

NOTE: If the moon is not visible one can look at the clouds or comment on the beauty of the water… etc.

B.Suggest the two of you “kick off your shoes.”

Carrying your shoes in one hand, retake your dates free hand and walk along the shore for another two to four minutes before stopping once more

NOTE: This step will necessitate placing the blanket/towel over one forearm in order to facilitate ease of carrying your shoes.

This second stop should be in an isolated location away from possible prying eyes. Privacy is a MUST (unless certain your date is an exhibitionist…).

C. Set the blanket/towel aside.

A handy tree or plant is a good place to set it. If none are available, drop it lightly to the ground nearby. Do not throw it down.

D. Place both arms around her waist. Look her in the eyes for approximately ten

seconds. Tell her you find her extremely attractive and sexy

E. If she does not pull back or object, kiss her on the lips

Should she part her lips during this kiss then engage in a “French Kiss” utilizing only light tongue penetration - don’t get forceful at this stage.

Break the kiss after twenty to thirty seconds and ask her if she is as turned on as you are.

F. Affect a slightly breathless tone when saying “Are you as turned on as I am?”

Note: Hopefuly ‘Yes’ will be the response. If not, scratch the rest of the plan, return to the car, and take her home.

G. Referring to previous: If she answers “Yes” begin lightly stroking her body in

increasingly intimate areas while maintaining eye contact.

Generally this should begin with both hands in the center of her back, progressing down to a light rub over her derriere, and back up to a feather stroke along the forearms.

NOTE: If the forearms get goose-pimples at this point that is a very positive sign

H. While gently holding your partners forearms engage in a second kiss. Slightly

more tongue is advisable but don’t be “sloppy.” During this second kiss, a surreptitious brush of a palm over a hopefully erectly taut nipple will usually bring desirable results.

I. Remove her shirt and bra.

If the shirt is a button up then gently - using only one hand if dexterous enough and two if not - undo the buttons one at a time.

When all buttons are undone carefully slide the garment off her shoulders.

A. A light brush of fingers and possibly lips along the hollow of her throat while

slipping off the shirt is encouraged.

B If the shirt is a pullover then gently grasp it at the bottom seam with both hands

and slowly pull it up and over.

C. Allow the fingers to gently glide along the sides of her ribcage while raising

the garment. Be careful not to snag any jewelry such as earrings or necklaces

D. Upon removal of the garment gently smooth her hair back into place while

lightly stroking the hollow of her throat. Use of two hands when undoing the bra is acceptable.

E. While maintaining an easy eye contact slide both hands around to where your

fingers meet in the small of her back

F. Move your fingers up slowly while just tracing their tips along the skin of her

spine.

G. Upon reaching the brassiere clasp carefully disengage it.

H. Slide the garment forward and off while allowing fingers to trace a feather

light touch along her skin. A gentle caress along the underside of her breasts as your hands pass is allowable.

I. Carefully set the discarded clothing aside. Avoid damage to her clothing.

J. Engage in another kiss. During this kiss allow your tongue to gently glide

around inside your partners mouth and entwine with hers.

NOTE: Without being actually rough it is okay to be slightly more forceful during this kiss to communicate the depth of your desire. You may want to clasp her behind the back and pull her more tautly against you. {It’s okay for her to feel the pressure of your aroused penis pulsing against her body at this time even though it is still covered}

Upon breaking this kiss at your leisure, lightly caress and suckle her breasts.

Alternate gently stroking her aureoles with a medium hard grip on the underside of a breast. Occasionally use a hand to lift one breast in order to stroke it gently with your tongue.

NOTE: The tip of a tongue just grazing the hardened tip of an aroused nipple is generally a good turn on as is a gentle “suckling” BUT for most women “slobbering all over their tits” is not. BE NEAT.

NOTE: The emitting of light moans by your date during this step is taken to be a positive sign of her sexual arousal. Do not let such sounds worry you.

By this time (if she has not already) your date should either begin to attempt removing your shirt herself OR she may ask you to take off your shirt.

Barring any unforeseen stupidity or possible interruptions YOU ARE NOW

FREE TO THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, GET NAKED, AND ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. BEACHHEAD.* may even be possible.

Spread out your blanket or towel prior to laying down: Sand in inappropriate places is NOT a turn on and can lead to unfortunate consequences.

***NOTE***: If at ANY TIME during the course of following the plan your prospective partner objects you should immediately desist in your actions, apologize nicely for any offense, and take her home.

Plan 2 is, of course, dependent on the weather as well as a number of other factors. Inclement weather plans for alternate locations are available in ‘Best Laid Plans’ as well as many other factor dependent scenarios. While the target demographic, as previously noted, is mainly younger males, Best Laid Plans is intended to be as all-encompassing as possible. The book includes plans/scenarios based on age, income level, likes and dislikes, etc. Please peruse the table of contents and check out the scenarios best suited to your particular situation. An index is also available at the back of the book to allow for easy searches based on key words & phrases.

Please note that the author and publishers first and foremost stress the Practice of SAFE SEX. Secondly, be it noted that while the book is geared towards male/female relationships it is adaptable for those of other preferences or lifestyles.

Be sure to check out Plan 27: Make Out Like a Bandit. This plan is geared towards couples who enjoy role-playing. Note: Plan 27 is generally for those couples who have a more established relationship and have built up a certain level of mutual trust. Plan 27 is not intended for implementation by newer couples who don’t yet know each other very well.

Check with your local bookstores to determine where copies are available in your area. Best Laid Plans, by Ben N. Dunne, is generally shelved under the “Self Help” section.